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Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Victoria
Victoria came through very strongly for me today. We'd had enough in this one meeting. Two co-workers were actually mocking me! How childish!
(I work in a terrible environment where no one works together. I HATE it! As an example of how high stress this job is, we hired someone to be the Executive Office Assistant this week. She started Monday and then never came back from lunch on Tuesday! No call or anything. Just decided it was too much for her.)
So... In this meeting where once again, I'm getting my tasks reprioritized and given more work to do then humanly possible with NO appreciation for what I AM and HAVE been doing. When they started making fun of me I was shocked. I didn't even understand what they were doing at first because it was so off the wall.
I got so frustrated I almost started to cry. I left the meeting and tried to calm down but was so angry I was shaking. That's when Victoria stepped in. She REALLY CAN be scary sometimes. She's completely ruthless. She has no time for fuck ups or wishy wasby delays. She MOVES. She thinks faster, walks faster, talks faster.... She's VERY much in control and has no fear. She's how I made it through today.
(I work in a terrible environment where no one works together. I HATE it! As an example of how high stress this job is, we hired someone to be the Executive Office Assistant this week. She started Monday and then never came back from lunch on Tuesday! No call or anything. Just decided it was too much for her.)
So... In this meeting where once again, I'm getting my tasks reprioritized and given more work to do then humanly possible with NO appreciation for what I AM and HAVE been doing. When they started making fun of me I was shocked. I didn't even understand what they were doing at first because it was so off the wall.
I got so frustrated I almost started to cry. I left the meeting and tried to calm down but was so angry I was shaking. That's when Victoria stepped in. She REALLY CAN be scary sometimes. She's completely ruthless. She has no time for fuck ups or wishy wasby delays. She MOVES. She thinks faster, walks faster, talks faster.... She's VERY much in control and has no fear. She's how I made it through today.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
The Ghost and The Monster
I wrote something at work in the "midst" of this really intense feeling I get. I was trying to figure out what's going on with myself. (All names have been changed or taken out.) It's kind of a "stream of consciousness" piece so may be hard to follow.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
The Ghost and The Monster
This haunting feeling I get is seeping in several times a day. It’s now been attached to my therapist. I HATE it! It’s one of those emotions that stops me. But it’s not the emotion. It’s got to be covering something else up. I really want it to step aside. I don’t understand it and it’s not useful. I think it’s mainly attached to things that are related to recovery.
A therapist I saw years ago who I tried to be friends with
Old EDA Sponsor, Old EDA Sponsee and AA or EDA meeting
A Friend who "dropped" me
The therapist I saw before my current one - who was "difficult"
A therapist I saw a couple times, related to the last one
My nutritionist (less so --- wish I knew why)
My current therapist
Renfrew (people and place)
New Beginnings (old building)
Anyone I was in groups with
Certain websites (Castlewood, Renfrew, Pro-Ana / Mia)
Sometimes a certain co-worker
Starbucks
Book stores
Church --- some places inside the buildings (one office, the cry room, sometimes the book store, eating lunch at Nature’s Table, GriefShare, etc.) and people (bookstore volunteers)
Money
I’m really worried because it’s reached my current therapist to the point that I’m checking my e-mail every 5 minutes and trying to guess her schedule to see if I will “get” to see her longer on Friday. Do I need to see her longer? Yes / No. Do I need therapy at all? No ---- no one NEEDS therapy. It’s a luxury. But I DO feel like I NEED it. That’s a problem! I feel like The Ghost / Monster needs to be stopped, leashed, caged, taught a lesson or just killed!
It happens every time. I used to think it was my neediness and dependence on someone. Is it the attachment issues? It’s obsessive and ugly! It’s black and huge! It’s gaining strength and power. It seeps into almost every aspect of my life.
It seems to be some sort of projection or transference. I’m sorry to the people it lands on. I know it doesn’t have anything to do with them.
It starts in my abdomen but radiates all over my body. It’s very similar to anxiety and when it starts I think that’s what it is until it grows big again. It eats me up. I start by trying to calm down, sort my thoughts out and other things that generally work for anxiety but it never works. It grows to the point that I feel my heart beating, my limbs become cold, my breathing is shallow (quick or slow) and I’m obsessed with two thoughts. The first usually settles on something to do with wanting to leave / run from whatever I’m doing and live at a treatment center or do some sort of intensive treatment without having to work. The second thought is basically, “We’re Fucked!” because that can never happen again. Somewhere mixed in, is a thought that knows it wouldn’t work anyway. (It never has.) I end up frozen, eyes glazed over, with that rocking sensation and my mind wonders, spins, stops, takes on a life of it’s own. I am desperate and hopeless.
Is this my way of saying I don’t want to grow up? Am I really just that immature?
I’m soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. I’m losing.
____________________________________________________________________________________
(that was the end of my thoughts then a couple parts came out)
A little part said in response: Please don’t attack The Monster --- I hate it but … better not to be provoked. I don’t know how to make it go away though. I don’t know how to ask you to deal with it b/c it’s too much for me. I’m VERY afraid of this part (I guess it’s a part...). It’s RUINED so many things in our life. Please make it go away. Please! Please help us escape it! Help!
The Facilitator: I know we have to deal with this. Leaving it alone and running from it is only giving it more space. It’s like the abuser who sleeps. I have concern for the little ones. (We haven’t distinguished the different little parts much at this point.) Whether it goes away or becomes something else or calms down is irrelevant. We know it has to do something but are very conflicted on what or how. All we know is that it hurts us. We trust you, my Therapist. You need to be careful though because it’s getting bigger and has shadowed you. We thank you for ALL you do, even the boundaries you put in place that we don’t like – and may not admit again any time soon (That last part was from Mae). We know that broken boundaries fuel what has now gone from The Ghost to The Monster. I am not sure how or why we know that but it’s true. The Monster is very much enmeshed with most of us.
An observer type part or reporter: The work bell rang and I slipped right into, Mae. Bubbly, helpful, productive, friendly, brilliant…. I’m very distanced from her though. She’s like a mask. She acts rather independently and pretty “mechanical.” She’s got to be a performer. I like her a lot but with her often follows numbness or emptiness and more of that rocking / tingly sensation. (It’s similar to the headaches I get that don’t have the pain.)
It’s actually kind of nice to be able to see them (my parts) again. When Dad was here I couldn’t tell. I have no idea if knowing them is good or bad or helpful or hurtful in my mental health recovery stuff but this is just how we work.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
The Ghost and The Monster
This haunting feeling I get is seeping in several times a day. It’s now been attached to my therapist. I HATE it! It’s one of those emotions that stops me. But it’s not the emotion. It’s got to be covering something else up. I really want it to step aside. I don’t understand it and it’s not useful. I think it’s mainly attached to things that are related to recovery.
A therapist I saw years ago who I tried to be friends with
Old EDA Sponsor, Old EDA Sponsee and AA or EDA meeting
A Friend who "dropped" me
The therapist I saw before my current one - who was "difficult"
A therapist I saw a couple times, related to the last one
My nutritionist (less so --- wish I knew why)
My current therapist
Renfrew (people and place)
New Beginnings (old building)
Anyone I was in groups with
Certain websites (Castlewood, Renfrew, Pro-Ana / Mia)
Sometimes a certain co-worker
Starbucks
Book stores
Church --- some places inside the buildings (one office, the cry room, sometimes the book store, eating lunch at Nature’s Table, GriefShare, etc.) and people (bookstore volunteers)
Money
I’m really worried because it’s reached my current therapist to the point that I’m checking my e-mail every 5 minutes and trying to guess her schedule to see if I will “get” to see her longer on Friday. Do I need to see her longer? Yes / No. Do I need therapy at all? No ---- no one NEEDS therapy. It’s a luxury. But I DO feel like I NEED it. That’s a problem! I feel like The Ghost / Monster needs to be stopped, leashed, caged, taught a lesson or just killed!
It happens every time. I used to think it was my neediness and dependence on someone. Is it the attachment issues? It’s obsessive and ugly! It’s black and huge! It’s gaining strength and power. It seeps into almost every aspect of my life.
It seems to be some sort of projection or transference. I’m sorry to the people it lands on. I know it doesn’t have anything to do with them.
It starts in my abdomen but radiates all over my body. It’s very similar to anxiety and when it starts I think that’s what it is until it grows big again. It eats me up. I start by trying to calm down, sort my thoughts out and other things that generally work for anxiety but it never works. It grows to the point that I feel my heart beating, my limbs become cold, my breathing is shallow (quick or slow) and I’m obsessed with two thoughts. The first usually settles on something to do with wanting to leave / run from whatever I’m doing and live at a treatment center or do some sort of intensive treatment without having to work. The second thought is basically, “We’re Fucked!” because that can never happen again. Somewhere mixed in, is a thought that knows it wouldn’t work anyway. (It never has.) I end up frozen, eyes glazed over, with that rocking sensation and my mind wonders, spins, stops, takes on a life of it’s own. I am desperate and hopeless.
Is this my way of saying I don’t want to grow up? Am I really just that immature?
I’m soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. I’m losing.
____________________________________________________________________________________
(that was the end of my thoughts then a couple parts came out)
A little part said in response: Please don’t attack The Monster --- I hate it but … better not to be provoked. I don’t know how to make it go away though. I don’t know how to ask you to deal with it b/c it’s too much for me. I’m VERY afraid of this part (I guess it’s a part...). It’s RUINED so many things in our life. Please make it go away. Please! Please help us escape it! Help!
The Facilitator: I know we have to deal with this. Leaving it alone and running from it is only giving it more space. It’s like the abuser who sleeps. I have concern for the little ones. (We haven’t distinguished the different little parts much at this point.) Whether it goes away or becomes something else or calms down is irrelevant. We know it has to do something but are very conflicted on what or how. All we know is that it hurts us. We trust you, my Therapist. You need to be careful though because it’s getting bigger and has shadowed you. We thank you for ALL you do, even the boundaries you put in place that we don’t like – and may not admit again any time soon (That last part was from Mae). We know that broken boundaries fuel what has now gone from The Ghost to The Monster. I am not sure how or why we know that but it’s true. The Monster is very much enmeshed with most of us.
An observer type part or reporter: The work bell rang and I slipped right into, Mae. Bubbly, helpful, productive, friendly, brilliant…. I’m very distanced from her though. She’s like a mask. She acts rather independently and pretty “mechanical.” She’s got to be a performer. I like her a lot but with her often follows numbness or emptiness and more of that rocking / tingly sensation. (It’s similar to the headaches I get that don’t have the pain.)
It’s actually kind of nice to be able to see them (my parts) again. When Dad was here I couldn’t tell. I have no idea if knowing them is good or bad or helpful or hurtful in my mental health recovery stuff but this is just how we work.
Monday, April 26, 2010
TV Time
I'm feeling the desire to get rid of my cable. I waste sooooooo much time zoning out in front of the TV!
Seem's so familiar!
I know it's sort of one of my coping mechanisms when things get crazy though.... I really want to be more productive and hope that if I don't have TV then I won't waste so much time. I would read more, work on my house more, etc..... At this point it's only in the contemplative stage but moving up in the process quickly.
I could save a little money a month, too. I would want to learn how to download certain shows though, too....
Seem's so familiar!
I know it's sort of one of my coping mechanisms when things get crazy though.... I really want to be more productive and hope that if I don't have TV then I won't waste so much time. I would read more, work on my house more, etc..... At this point it's only in the contemplative stage but moving up in the process quickly.
I could save a little money a month, too. I would want to learn how to download certain shows though, too....
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Sunday
Today, is full of more restless-ness. I had a slip and I'm not sure what to think about it. I'm getting ready to listen to Jen Nardozzi from Renfrew on the radio so I guess I'm not ready to give up.
I really hate it when my dad visits.... :(
Restless
It's late and I'm restless. I know this feeling. It's my parts all fighting for the front. Why do I have to DEAL with this? Why can't my thoughts just be my own? Why must they come from different faces, voices and attitudes? I like being able to get different perspectives of myself but it's exhausting! I just want to be able to function and have one voice in my head.... one opinion, one attitude, one self! I want to be able to make decisions without thinking in 100 different directions. I want to be able to have balanced emotion, reactions and energy levels. I want normalcy. YES! I want to be normal, even if normal means cookie cutter and the SAME as everyone else! I used to like being different and wanting attention for my uniqueness but not now! Not when it means I'm up at 12:11am because pieces of me are arguing in some far off imaginary place of my psyche so loudly that I can do nothing but stare into space and let them go at it. I'm wired! I have too much potential energy without any kinetic energy.
In physics, Potential energy is energy stored within a physical system as a result of the position or configuration of the different parts of that system. It has the potential to be converted into other forms of energy, such as kinetic energy, and to do work in the process.
The above definition came from Logic, I think. Or another part that strives to be perfect and precise.
I'm scared to let them all talk for some reason. I think that might help them feel heard and understood but I just don't have the energy to listen. I REALLY want to ignore them but how can I? They are me..... and if they ARE me why don't we all think the same? What will they show me? When will I get help understanding them? Who can actually help me in this journey?
Now I'm just babbling. I am going to try to turn off by listening to some music. It's too late to open all this up.
Speaking of opening up stuff... Pandora just slid into my head. Have I told you about her? She holds her box in the attic of my life. Is it possible that she only exists to hold that box shut? What have I done by taking it away from her? Where my other parts really trying to help her by sharing the load? She's a bit panicked and wants to go back to the way it was. Could her creation also coincide with her "death?" What if she has no other function? I know what's in the box and don't know why she's coming to mind with the visit of my dad.... She holds the rape in that box. I don't think my dad ever hurt me like that. But why is Pandora younger than I was when that incident took place? Why is she more of a zombie than a person? Why don't I trust any men? Is that true?
I'm so confused! I think my dad may have put me in an attic once, when he kidnapped me.... maybe that's her connection. I wish I could remember that time when he kept me from my mom. It's such a mystery in the family. It's such a cover up and not talked about. I have no recall of it. How could I have said I was kept in an attic but then find out that house had no attic?
I wonder if hypnosis would help us share all the thoughts and memories among my parts.
Too many questions for 12:33 am. God, please take it away for tonight. Give us rest and energy to clean the house tomorrow!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
We're Back
My father left town yesterday night.... it made an entire week he was here visiting. It was getting pretty bad. He's a VERY odd man! He's manipulative, immature, irresponsible and just plain out of touch with reality.
I have lived with the FEAR of having to support him in the near future since I was 10 years old. I really don't know another option, since he is not married, has no other children and absolutely NO savings. Just in the last week, he turned my life upside down. How can I possibly have him live with me for good!
My house is still a disaster from his stay here but I haven't had the energy to clean up. I keep looking around and reliving all the crazy shit he said or did. I REALLY need to clean it all up. How is it that a grown man can't clean up after himself? I mean... TRASH is everywhere! Who can't even throw TRASH away?
My parts were not safe with him here. I tried to bring Logic out to deal with his illogical-ness but despite her strength in supporting my other parts, she's not a "front runner." The stronger parts (Victoria, The Protector, etc.) will take cues from her but they are the real ones in control. This past week though, I have not really been able to differentiate between my parts. There has been this general haze of dissociation surrounding all my thoughts. (My therapist believes that is probably a good thing right now.) I've been very robotic and "fenced." One might call that closed off but it's a little different. I've been in survival mode and whatever part or parts that operate there just kind of put the other ones in a cage and set them to sleep so we don't get hurt. Can anyone relate to what I'm saying?
I've felt much chaos among myself and my parts. The parts that are easily hurt couldn't be fully protected in that cage so they would randomly awaken and cry out from the sting of my father's actions and words. That's when the system would go into panic and safety mode. A couple times the system wasn't ready for Dad's blow and the angry parts would retaliate. The anger is getting stronger. I can tell because I would never have talked back to my dad before. Or maybe the moderator is getting more tired or some part has decided not to close the anger off. Either way, there were at least 3 times that I YELLED at my dad. Then the guilt sets in.
As far as my ED symptoms go, I gave in a few times. It was very impulsive. When I found myself with a moment to purge (when dad was far enough away to not hear) I did. I felt better. It intensified the fog of numbness and that was okay for then. It was not a good time to FEEL. I'm not happy with these slips but I understand the need my system had to numb out.
Three incidents stick out in my mind from his visit. They were all small and seemingly insignificant by my brain has decided to recall them over and other. The Car, The Restroom and The Irritation.
The Car:
I was driving in a parking lot of a big store (it may have been Target). My dad was sitting next to me. (First mistake.... apparently my dad is the best driver in the world so he feels the need to critique... I mean teach... me how to drive.) ;) I am not a confident driver. I hesitate and wait much more than just going for it. I had come to the end of a lane and was trying to pull out and drive to the right. A large truck had decided to turn into the lane I was pulling out of. That moment happened when neither driver could decide if we would both fit without hurting the other car. I stopped. The truck stopped. My dad yelled! He said, "Go go go go go, you need to go, go go go, he wants you to go first. You can't stop like that. GO!!!" I froze. My dad's relentless words and demands had caused my system to panic. Someone inside me yelled, "STOP DOING THAT! DON'T TELL ME HOW TO DRIVE. DO YOU WANT TO DRIVE?" My dad said nothing. I drove on. We were both silent. I don't remember where we went next but it was awkward. We both acted like it hadn't happened. After that he was less opinionated on my driving for about 2 days.... a lot of good that outburst did me!
The Restroom:
First, I had been driving my dad around all day and most of the week, as he did not know the area. We got to Walmart, which is NOT my favorite place to go, simply due to the crowds I generally encounter. (There always seem to be people in my way or people I am in the way of and they aren't generally nice about it.) We had to return a couple items. As we stood in line at customer service, I decided to go to the restroom. It was about 5 feet from where we stood. I told my dad I would be right back. He said, "Well, where will I meet you? I'll be done here in a few minutes and it will take you at least 10 minutes, probably more, before you get back." I thought, REALLY? Are you kidding? You can't let me pee, while we've been doing EVERYTHING you want to do? Instead I said, "We can just meet right here." He said, "But I could go ahead and get a few things instead of wait. What if you can't find me?" I thought, What!? Can't you stand still for 5 minutes? Are you completely disregarding my request to meet here? Instead I said, "If you get done before me and I can't find you. I'll just wait here." How disrespectful! I think the emotion I felt was hurt and maybe unappreciated.
The Irritation:
Driving, yet again. (You should probably know that I really don't like to drive in general. I avoid it whenever I can. My dream is to have a chauffeur.) I also had not eaten even close to enough food for my day up to that point. It was 3pm and I had only had a cliff bar. That's about 2 meals less than my body needs at that time of day. (My father doesn't eat.... Or rather, he eats almost nothing all day until he binges at night.) I had been craving Taco Bell (a guilty pleasure). I had just driven my dad to THREE places to try and find these special oranges that he likes. We struck out every time. I was on my way to Taco Bell at this point. I had already started planning a binge / purge and was plenty anxious about having to do that in front of my dad or figuring out how to hide it. I got in this tangled mess of driving where I had to make about 3 u-turns (something that totally pisses me off when driving). Due to my blood sugar extreme low, I got VERY irritated. I was on the edge of completely blowing up. I was talking about what was irritating me, I think, but I don't remember what I said. Then my dad said, "You know if you would breath more you wouldn't get so angry. Just a couple deep breaths and it will all just melt away." I thought, Is this really the time for that dad!? You had to bring that up now!? I'm actually irritated because you haven't let me eat all day and by blood sugar is dangerously low for the exercising and activity of carting your ass around all day. That's like telling a person in the midst of a heart attack they should exercise more instead of calling 911!!!!! I said nothing. I continued on my drive to Taco Bell. As the planning of my binge became entirely impossible with my Dad right there, I got even more irritated. I said, "I don't want Taco Bell anymore." I turned around and drove home. In silence. I made something at home to eat then fell asleep. I let dad pack up and do what he needed to do without my help.
I've made the choice to love my dad and continue in relationship with him but days like yesterday really make me re-evaluate.
Sorry if I have any readers that have been waiting for more information. Thank you for your patience.
I have lived with the FEAR of having to support him in the near future since I was 10 years old. I really don't know another option, since he is not married, has no other children and absolutely NO savings. Just in the last week, he turned my life upside down. How can I possibly have him live with me for good!
My house is still a disaster from his stay here but I haven't had the energy to clean up. I keep looking around and reliving all the crazy shit he said or did. I REALLY need to clean it all up. How is it that a grown man can't clean up after himself? I mean... TRASH is everywhere! Who can't even throw TRASH away?
My parts were not safe with him here. I tried to bring Logic out to deal with his illogical-ness but despite her strength in supporting my other parts, she's not a "front runner." The stronger parts (Victoria, The Protector, etc.) will take cues from her but they are the real ones in control. This past week though, I have not really been able to differentiate between my parts. There has been this general haze of dissociation surrounding all my thoughts. (My therapist believes that is probably a good thing right now.) I've been very robotic and "fenced." One might call that closed off but it's a little different. I've been in survival mode and whatever part or parts that operate there just kind of put the other ones in a cage and set them to sleep so we don't get hurt. Can anyone relate to what I'm saying?
I've felt much chaos among myself and my parts. The parts that are easily hurt couldn't be fully protected in that cage so they would randomly awaken and cry out from the sting of my father's actions and words. That's when the system would go into panic and safety mode. A couple times the system wasn't ready for Dad's blow and the angry parts would retaliate. The anger is getting stronger. I can tell because I would never have talked back to my dad before. Or maybe the moderator is getting more tired or some part has decided not to close the anger off. Either way, there were at least 3 times that I YELLED at my dad. Then the guilt sets in.
As far as my ED symptoms go, I gave in a few times. It was very impulsive. When I found myself with a moment to purge (when dad was far enough away to not hear) I did. I felt better. It intensified the fog of numbness and that was okay for then. It was not a good time to FEEL. I'm not happy with these slips but I understand the need my system had to numb out.
Three incidents stick out in my mind from his visit. They were all small and seemingly insignificant by my brain has decided to recall them over and other. The Car, The Restroom and The Irritation.
The Car:
I was driving in a parking lot of a big store (it may have been Target). My dad was sitting next to me. (First mistake.... apparently my dad is the best driver in the world so he feels the need to critique... I mean teach... me how to drive.) ;) I am not a confident driver. I hesitate and wait much more than just going for it. I had come to the end of a lane and was trying to pull out and drive to the right. A large truck had decided to turn into the lane I was pulling out of. That moment happened when neither driver could decide if we would both fit without hurting the other car. I stopped. The truck stopped. My dad yelled! He said, "Go go go go go, you need to go, go go go, he wants you to go first. You can't stop like that. GO!!!" I froze. My dad's relentless words and demands had caused my system to panic. Someone inside me yelled, "STOP DOING THAT! DON'T TELL ME HOW TO DRIVE. DO YOU WANT TO DRIVE?" My dad said nothing. I drove on. We were both silent. I don't remember where we went next but it was awkward. We both acted like it hadn't happened. After that he was less opinionated on my driving for about 2 days.... a lot of good that outburst did me!
The Restroom:
First, I had been driving my dad around all day and most of the week, as he did not know the area. We got to Walmart, which is NOT my favorite place to go, simply due to the crowds I generally encounter. (There always seem to be people in my way or people I am in the way of and they aren't generally nice about it.) We had to return a couple items. As we stood in line at customer service, I decided to go to the restroom. It was about 5 feet from where we stood. I told my dad I would be right back. He said, "Well, where will I meet you? I'll be done here in a few minutes and it will take you at least 10 minutes, probably more, before you get back." I thought, REALLY? Are you kidding? You can't let me pee, while we've been doing EVERYTHING you want to do? Instead I said, "We can just meet right here." He said, "But I could go ahead and get a few things instead of wait. What if you can't find me?" I thought, What!? Can't you stand still for 5 minutes? Are you completely disregarding my request to meet here? Instead I said, "If you get done before me and I can't find you. I'll just wait here." How disrespectful! I think the emotion I felt was hurt and maybe unappreciated.
The Irritation:
Driving, yet again. (You should probably know that I really don't like to drive in general. I avoid it whenever I can. My dream is to have a chauffeur.) I also had not eaten even close to enough food for my day up to that point. It was 3pm and I had only had a cliff bar. That's about 2 meals less than my body needs at that time of day. (My father doesn't eat.... Or rather, he eats almost nothing all day until he binges at night.) I had been craving Taco Bell (a guilty pleasure). I had just driven my dad to THREE places to try and find these special oranges that he likes. We struck out every time. I was on my way to Taco Bell at this point. I had already started planning a binge / purge and was plenty anxious about having to do that in front of my dad or figuring out how to hide it. I got in this tangled mess of driving where I had to make about 3 u-turns (something that totally pisses me off when driving). Due to my blood sugar extreme low, I got VERY irritated. I was on the edge of completely blowing up. I was talking about what was irritating me, I think, but I don't remember what I said. Then my dad said, "You know if you would breath more you wouldn't get so angry. Just a couple deep breaths and it will all just melt away." I thought, Is this really the time for that dad!? You had to bring that up now!? I'm actually irritated because you haven't let me eat all day and by blood sugar is dangerously low for the exercising and activity of carting your ass around all day. That's like telling a person in the midst of a heart attack they should exercise more instead of calling 911!!!!! I said nothing. I continued on my drive to Taco Bell. As the planning of my binge became entirely impossible with my Dad right there, I got even more irritated. I said, "I don't want Taco Bell anymore." I turned around and drove home. In silence. I made something at home to eat then fell asleep. I let dad pack up and do what he needed to do without my help.
I've made the choice to love my dad and continue in relationship with him but days like yesterday really make me re-evaluate.
Sorry if I have any readers that have been waiting for more information. Thank you for your patience.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Almost Died Today
I almost died today! Of all things I choked on some vitamins I was taking. I had to administer a self Heimlich maneuver and all .... can you imagine what the paper headline would say: "Young Single Woman Living Alone Died While Trying To IMPROVE Her Health With Vitamin Mishap"
Nothing else today.... That was enough. Dad is still here so it's not safe yet.
Nothing else today.... That was enough. Dad is still here so it's not safe yet.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Not Safe
My Dad is visiting. He's asleep in the other room. I don't feel safe enough to post much. I'm in survival mode so I'm not totally sure what's going on with me right now anyway.
I yelled at my Dad today. I was tired of him telling me what to do. It shut him up but I KNOW I will pay for that later. Some parts are rebelling while others are totally complying.
My therapist suggested that I try to give Logic a voice while he is here. Logic is a part of mine. It sounds good in theory but Logic isn't a part that acts without being ALLOWED.
That's all for today.
I yelled at my Dad today. I was tired of him telling me what to do. It shut him up but I KNOW I will pay for that later. Some parts are rebelling while others are totally complying.
My therapist suggested that I try to give Logic a voice while he is here. Logic is a part of mine. It sounds good in theory but Logic isn't a part that acts without being ALLOWED.
That's all for today.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
MAE
The craziest thing happened today. I recently got a hair cut. Not your average trim, either. I got 12 inches cut off and donated it to locks of love. So everyone at work is shocked. It doesn't seem to have phased me. It's actually hard for me to understand why people are freaking out so much. When Victoria is present, she totally doesn't get it and has said a couple cold things to people. She's relying on other parts to respond to the emotion of a hair cut....
So I was sitting in this meeting today. I wasn't prepared with my normal reports at all because there is nothing going on with the program right now. I walked in late, with no computer, clip board or even a pen. I sat down, reclined a bit and just observed. Victoria is generally the part that works in this meeting.... very organized, prepared, hard nosed, lay it on the line kind of personality. EVERYONE NOTICED THE CHANGE! Someone commented on my hair again and said something about how it's a new me. Then they started talking about how different I was and in what way. Then they gave me a new name. Now, it was all in good fun and joking around but they couldn't have been more right!
It WAS a VERY different part of me. They all decided to give me the name Mae (pronounced May). I think it's suiting for this part. I'll stick with it. Here are some of Mae's character traits:
-She's relaxed but poised.
-She's a good business woman and still very much in control and in charge on the things she knows best.
-She's smart and contemplative but also quick with decisions and opinions, like Victoria.
-She's observant and quiet.
-She's extremely confident but not cocky (like Victoria can be).
-She doesn't take shit from people and deflects insults with sarcasm instead of anger or other insults.
-She can laugh and has a great sense of humour.
-Everyone liked her ... much more than a couple other parts that have been in that meeting before.
She's AWESOME! I don't operate from her much but I wish I did. How did she get to be so calm and collected? She would be GREAT in social settings.
Who would have thought that my co-workers (who nothing about my parts or issues) would give one of them a name ... and such a fitting name! I want more of her around!
The oldest memory I have of this part is probably from around high school age (17ish). When I would visit my Dad in another state, I would sort of turn into someone else. These are the times I had a good deal of fun and people were attracted to me much more than other parts.
So I was sitting in this meeting today. I wasn't prepared with my normal reports at all because there is nothing going on with the program right now. I walked in late, with no computer, clip board or even a pen. I sat down, reclined a bit and just observed. Victoria is generally the part that works in this meeting.... very organized, prepared, hard nosed, lay it on the line kind of personality. EVERYONE NOTICED THE CHANGE! Someone commented on my hair again and said something about how it's a new me. Then they started talking about how different I was and in what way. Then they gave me a new name. Now, it was all in good fun and joking around but they couldn't have been more right!
It WAS a VERY different part of me. They all decided to give me the name Mae (pronounced May). I think it's suiting for this part. I'll stick with it. Here are some of Mae's character traits:
-She's relaxed but poised.
-She's a good business woman and still very much in control and in charge on the things she knows best.
-She's smart and contemplative but also quick with decisions and opinions, like Victoria.
-She's observant and quiet.
-She's extremely confident but not cocky (like Victoria can be).
-She doesn't take shit from people and deflects insults with sarcasm instead of anger or other insults.
-She can laugh and has a great sense of humour.
-Everyone liked her ... much more than a couple other parts that have been in that meeting before.
She's AWESOME! I don't operate from her much but I wish I did. How did she get to be so calm and collected? She would be GREAT in social settings.
Who would have thought that my co-workers (who nothing about my parts or issues) would give one of them a name ... and such a fitting name! I want more of her around!
The oldest memory I have of this part is probably from around high school age (17ish). When I would visit my Dad in another state, I would sort of turn into someone else. These are the times I had a good deal of fun and people were attracted to me much more than other parts.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Castlewood Treatment Center
I'm drawn to Castlewood Treatment Center. I can't help it! I hate this desire but it seems like such a haven for us. My parts need help! They are a mess and so new at all this. I feel so chaotic most of the time.
I KNOW I would learn soooooooo much from time spent there but treatment is ubber expensive and then there are all the bills I would still have to pay while away. I have the urge to MAKE my eating disorder (ED) REALLY bad so that I would HAVE to go into treatment. I know that's probably telling me something else about my stress level or some other part needing to talk but I really just want to go. I actually have dreams of just jumping in my car and driving to Castlewood.
I'm not eating dinner!
What would that really do though? All my problems would be here when I get back. Not to mention bank foreclosure, collections and no job. I'm just about to pay off my other two treatment centers that did nothing for me. The only way I could convince myself to go is if I was dangerously ill. I'm not, though. Damn!
I'm hurting a lot today. I'm frozen. I need to do so many things but my options seem to be: act out on my ED, go to bed or blog...
I KNOW I would learn soooooooo much from time spent there but treatment is ubber expensive and then there are all the bills I would still have to pay while away. I have the urge to MAKE my eating disorder (ED) REALLY bad so that I would HAVE to go into treatment. I know that's probably telling me something else about my stress level or some other part needing to talk but I really just want to go. I actually have dreams of just jumping in my car and driving to Castlewood.
I'm not eating dinner!
What would that really do though? All my problems would be here when I get back. Not to mention bank foreclosure, collections and no job. I'm just about to pay off my other two treatment centers that did nothing for me. The only way I could convince myself to go is if I was dangerously ill. I'm not, though. Damn!
I'm hurting a lot today. I'm frozen. I need to do so many things but my options seem to be: act out on my ED, go to bed or blog...
FREAKOUT / SHUTDOWN
First, a little background:
My father is a very damaged person. He's had a lot of weird shit happen in his life. Because of that, he's kind of a toxic person. I love him and have made the decision (several times) to continue in a relationship with him, despite the many friends and therapists who advise against it.
He's coming in town this weekend. He's scheduled to be here the same day I have therapy. For some reason that totally messes with my head and emotions. Today I talked to my therapist to figure out what to do. Do I skip a week? (Not what I want to do since the intense session last week.) Do I ask to see her for a longer period in order to have cushion room to ease in and out of the harder topics? Do I reschedule for a different time of the day or day of the week?
I ended up talking to her while at work to figure this out. We decided to have an extended period. Not good on the budget but worth the progress I've been making. I work in a high stress and no privacy job. After the call here's what I "felt." I could barley function so I sat at my desk and typed so it would look like I was working.
Soooooo stressed out my body is shaking, my heart is going to beat out of it’s chest, can’t see well, don’t want to breath, diarrhea, thirsty, don’t want to move… obviously can’t type well. (I made all sorts of typos -- fixed as of now.) Every muscle is tense.
Just got off the phone with Therapist. I don’t like having to talk to her at work. I don’t feel in control. How can I go from being in charge in the kick ass meeting to not knowing when to schedule an appointment? Back and forth, back and forth…..
Face hot, hands cold
Staring
Drifting away
Feel like I’m going to throw up
Brain not working
Who is this person?
What am I scared about? Dad? Having him here all together or having to see therapist while he’s here?
Impending doom … but from what?
I hate this anxiety…………………. It needs to stop
There are no safe places!
Job --- too much to do
Am I wrong? Am I messing up? Mike’s here. I have performance review Thursday
Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone
Hear everything
Want to be smaller --- disappear
Just want to die
Things don’t seem real --- head hurts
I’m moving so slow and don’t know how I’m moving at all
Not an option
Hungry … starving …
Screaming inside and crying
What’s wrong?
I hurt. I’m sad. I can’t deal. I need a break. Lord, help me. Take me away. Save me.
She is a healthy baby girl. ----- episode of House in my head and pictures of myself as a child.
Have to eat soon… can barley move, don’t want anything … can’t burden work friend with this.
Where do I go? What do I do? I can’t move. I want to die. I want to hide. Leave me alone!
Have to take a pill.
Last one……….ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Everything hurts
There were several "voices" or parts speaking in that mess but I have little understanding at this point who is who. They were going in and out or maybe there was just one that deals with that panicked state.
My father is a very damaged person. He's had a lot of weird shit happen in his life. Because of that, he's kind of a toxic person. I love him and have made the decision (several times) to continue in a relationship with him, despite the many friends and therapists who advise against it.
He's coming in town this weekend. He's scheduled to be here the same day I have therapy. For some reason that totally messes with my head and emotions. Today I talked to my therapist to figure out what to do. Do I skip a week? (Not what I want to do since the intense session last week.) Do I ask to see her for a longer period in order to have cushion room to ease in and out of the harder topics? Do I reschedule for a different time of the day or day of the week?
I ended up talking to her while at work to figure this out. We decided to have an extended period. Not good on the budget but worth the progress I've been making. I work in a high stress and no privacy job. After the call here's what I "felt." I could barley function so I sat at my desk and typed so it would look like I was working.
Soooooo stressed out my body is shaking, my heart is going to beat out of it’s chest, can’t see well, don’t want to breath, diarrhea, thirsty, don’t want to move… obviously can’t type well. (I made all sorts of typos -- fixed as of now.) Every muscle is tense.
Just got off the phone with Therapist. I don’t like having to talk to her at work. I don’t feel in control. How can I go from being in charge in the kick ass meeting to not knowing when to schedule an appointment? Back and forth, back and forth…..
Face hot, hands cold
Staring
Drifting away
Feel like I’m going to throw up
Brain not working
Who is this person?
What am I scared about? Dad? Having him here all together or having to see therapist while he’s here?
Impending doom … but from what?
I hate this anxiety…………………. It needs to stop
There are no safe places!
Job --- too much to do
Am I wrong? Am I messing up? Mike’s here. I have performance review Thursday
Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone
Hear everything
Want to be smaller --- disappear
Just want to die
Things don’t seem real --- head hurts
I’m moving so slow and don’t know how I’m moving at all
Not an option
Hungry … starving …
Screaming inside and crying
What’s wrong?
I hurt. I’m sad. I can’t deal. I need a break. Lord, help me. Take me away. Save me.
She is a healthy baby girl. ----- episode of House in my head and pictures of myself as a child.
Have to eat soon… can barley move, don’t want anything … can’t burden work friend with this.
Where do I go? What do I do? I can’t move. I want to die. I want to hide. Leave me alone!
Have to take a pill.
Last one……….ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Everything hurts
There were several "voices" or parts speaking in that mess but I have little understanding at this point who is who. They were going in and out or maybe there was just one that deals with that panicked state.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Note to Pastor
Below is a note I wrote to my Pastor today:
Pastor
I know you get tons of e-mail so I'm honored and glad you're reading mine. I'll be as to the point as I can. We've met a few times in the church lobby. Most of the time when I have some burning question that comes from a very hurt place.
I LOVE your family moments. For whatever reason, the family moments I remember with my earth family have not been positive, nurturing or safe. I grew up in a Catholic family with an Irish influence. The first time I realized that you pray for the church as they process to communion, I wept. I couldn't believe a pastor would pray for a congregation when "grace" had always been another form of applying guilt to the misbehaving family member. Meals have always been rough. We ALWAYS ate together but never communed. Not surprisingly I developed an eating disorder.
I've also been diagnosed with half the disorders in that DSM book. I don't give them much attention if I can help it. There's been adjustment disorder, panic disorder, eating disorder, PTSD.... you name it. I know THAT's not who I AM. As you've been saying, "I am ... not myself." I sure HOPE not. I'm a very lonely person. I have tons of "issues" but there is one that has been weighing heavier lately. I am a survivor of "some bad things." Things that aren't important in detail, except to say they were EVIL. God could NOT have been there. I broke and part of me died because of "those things." I continue to ask the age old question ... Why? Could God REALLY have engineered and let those things happen? How can I trust, love and believe a God who abandoned me then? I've heard all the stories and read several books on this topic but it just doesn't fit. I don't want to depend on people for the things God can only provide but neither people NOR God have proven dependable. I struggle daily, hourly and sometimes breath to breath with this insecurity and pain.
I walked forward today and recited my wedding vows with God. I cried. Not for joy but fear and loss. Will that be the only time I say those? I don't want to hurt other people with my neediness. I desperately want to believe He has my best interests in mind and loves me and can provide. I've been a Christian for 12 years (from the age of 16). I volunteer in the book store and am a 1st responder but am I a hypocrite? I tell people things like "God is always with us" and "God will always take care of our needs" but I don't believe He does. I hurt more now than I may have ever hurt. I can't read my bible lately because I'm just so mad. I read the words and part of me thinks "Whatever.... maybe that works for someone!" I don't want to but how can I not? My life is mixed with periods of super productivity then complete frozen, inability to function.
I've done next to nothing to try to stay connected or find companionship because it never works out. I want desperately not to be alone. I want to be married and have children but at the same time I avoid relating. After so many years of falling when the bottom finally drops out, I don't think I will live through another abandon. I keep saying I need to do my own healing before I can be in a relationship of anything deep (man or woman, romantic or not) but when does that ever happen? I try to put God first and rely on Him alone but then life happens --- I'm an engineer working in a very demanding and terrible environment, and then there's my health and owning a home. I need some practical help here with priorities, maybe.
I don't really know what I need. I think I need hope, love and something to hold on to that doesn't make life harder. I need a BREAK but from what ... life? Please provide any advice you can. Sorry it was so long... I guess "to the point" and emotional pain don't really go together.
Tired,
Pastor
I know you get tons of e-mail so I'm honored and glad you're reading mine. I'll be as to the point as I can. We've met a few times in the church lobby. Most of the time when I have some burning question that comes from a very hurt place.
I LOVE your family moments. For whatever reason, the family moments I remember with my earth family have not been positive, nurturing or safe. I grew up in a Catholic family with an Irish influence. The first time I realized that you pray for the church as they process to communion, I wept. I couldn't believe a pastor would pray for a congregation when "grace" had always been another form of applying guilt to the misbehaving family member. Meals have always been rough. We ALWAYS ate together but never communed. Not surprisingly I developed an eating disorder.
I've also been diagnosed with half the disorders in that DSM book. I don't give them much attention if I can help it. There's been adjustment disorder, panic disorder, eating disorder, PTSD.... you name it. I know THAT's not who I AM. As you've been saying, "I am ... not myself." I sure HOPE not. I'm a very lonely person. I have tons of "issues" but there is one that has been weighing heavier lately. I am a survivor of "some bad things." Things that aren't important in detail, except to say they were EVIL. God could NOT have been there. I broke and part of me died because of "those things." I continue to ask the age old question ... Why? Could God REALLY have engineered and let those things happen? How can I trust, love and believe a God who abandoned me then? I've heard all the stories and read several books on this topic but it just doesn't fit. I don't want to depend on people for the things God can only provide but neither people NOR God have proven dependable. I struggle daily, hourly and sometimes breath to breath with this insecurity and pain.
I walked forward today and recited my wedding vows with God. I cried. Not for joy but fear and loss. Will that be the only time I say those? I don't want to hurt other people with my neediness. I desperately want to believe He has my best interests in mind and loves me and can provide. I've been a Christian for 12 years (from the age of 16). I volunteer in the book store and am a 1st responder but am I a hypocrite? I tell people things like "God is always with us" and "God will always take care of our needs" but I don't believe He does. I hurt more now than I may have ever hurt. I can't read my bible lately because I'm just so mad. I read the words and part of me thinks "Whatever.... maybe that works for someone!" I don't want to but how can I not? My life is mixed with periods of super productivity then complete frozen, inability to function.
I've done next to nothing to try to stay connected or find companionship because it never works out. I want desperately not to be alone. I want to be married and have children but at the same time I avoid relating. After so many years of falling when the bottom finally drops out, I don't think I will live through another abandon. I keep saying I need to do my own healing before I can be in a relationship of anything deep (man or woman, romantic or not) but when does that ever happen? I try to put God first and rely on Him alone but then life happens --- I'm an engineer working in a very demanding and terrible environment, and then there's my health and owning a home. I need some practical help here with priorities, maybe.
I don't really know what I need. I think I need hope, love and something to hold on to that doesn't make life harder. I need a BREAK but from what ... life? Please provide any advice you can. Sorry it was so long... I guess "to the point" and emotional pain don't really go together.
Tired,
Title Origins
The title of this blog came from an e-mail I sent to my therapist recently. See it below:
Dear Therapist
First: My symptoms have gone down to purging about 3 times a week. I also stopped weighing myself. I'm eating fairly regularly - as in 3 - 4 meals a day.
I started reading the book "When Rabbit Howls." Once I write this e-mail to you, I'm going to put it away until we talk again, at least. I've been pouring over it. It's a book about Truddi chase - a woman with 92 personalities. A counselor in Renfrew suggested I read it when I was there. Four years later I got to it. I'm on page 86 out of 370. I'm becoming engrossed in it. The similarities between this woman and myself are staggeringly alarming. I read for half my day yesterday. I took notes as I went, after I realized it was almost like reading about myself.
Here are my notes:
All of the these things I DO NOT share in common with "Truddi"
-Truddi says she has very few memories. I have a good amount of memories and have not lost much time throughout my life. I have moments where time seems to speed up and slow down in the same moments. I only have a handful of incidents where I completely checked out, like the one when I was driving last Sunday evening, a few times when I had to look through the trash to see what I had eaten the night before, a couple periods in Renfrew and about 3 months I'm told I lived with my grandmother. I've been working on an autobiography off and on and it's pretty long so I must remember most things. At this point I don't remember what I wrote in it though. I think it's close to 30 pages typed and I don't really know how I filled up that much. When writing it my memories are not linear. I can't just write what happened from as far back as I remember to now. I write a few things and end up slipping them into the approximate sequence afterward.
ALL of these things I share in common with "Truddi"
-I feel out of control most of the time. Very distanced
-I have trouble finding "safe" places, even imaginary ones
-I run away from many people and situations
-I write LOTS --- journals and journals
-My "parts" are mean to me and yell at me sometimes
-I have enormous amounts of shame, guilt fear and anxiety
-I don't respond to meds
-I have severe headaches --- sometimes without pain
-I can go through several ranges of emotions within minutes
-I often want to disappear or "go away"
-I have intense "sexual uncomfort" as well as conflicting sexual preoccupation as a small child (I knew about sex at age 2)
-I have a near inability to truly trust or sustain relationships
-I have intuitively been drawn to dialoging
-I never really believed I have DID but Truddi didn't know until in her 40s
-I often get that "bigger than myself" feeling
-I often ask "am I crazy" or just believe I am
-I have layers of defenses
-My "parts / personalities / people" don't want their names shared most of the time
-I have much fear of punishment
-FEAR FEAR FEAR
-There is a sense that therapy = something bad is going to happen and I'm going to find out more than I can handle (this book has given me the same feeling - one or maybe three of my parts TOLD me not to read this book
-Truddi says she hates chairs and won't sit in one during therapy. She says they are confining. I think the same way about shoes, necklaces and having my hair down during therapy. I call it my "therapy posture."
-I'm extremely easily startled / very jumpy
-I keep window shades drawn - Have you noticed that when we are in Sandy's room, when you leave the room before session to do something I pull the shades down?
-I am perfectionistic and successful in the world's eyes - very much so for a 27 year old single woman
-I have times where I'm afraid to leave the house, leave my couch even --- this is very conflicting from the above statement
-I am always questioning the motives of other people and generally pessimistic --- I think people are only motivated by their own needs and wants, yet other days I recall having so many good thoughts about humanity
-I have incredible energy (when I'm not frozen) --- especially when I was in college. I used to get home at 3 in the morning then get to a 7 am class
-I don't trust or believe myself and can NEVER make up my mind in a timely manner
-I often feel numb and like there is some impending doom
-One of my parts knows about another one of my parts but will not speak about him. Both of these parts are very strong parts
-As a child I had places in my house I was scared of. I never wanted to be in there alone. I used to think there were ghosts in this one house I lived in.
-Since I was about 7 or maybe it was 9 I sense different parts of me
-My 1st grade teacher had a discussion with my mom and I about my "day dreaming." I used to sit in class just staring at the wall or ceiling I guess. My teacher told me that every time I would catch myself drifting away I would have to make a tic mark on my page
-I don't usually expect what I see in the mirror and it semi-changes from day to day
-I have the sense that there are things I don't remember in my life but ... what? when? who?
-I forget things within minutes --- I generally think of them again later but I have had to get myself to repeat things over and over until I get someone if I need to do something. Example: If I need to get three things at the grocery for a dinner I want to make. I repeat the three things over and over and over until I have them all in the cart.
-This has also lead to numerous lists and schedules. So many in my life that I could wallpaper my house at least 5 times over with them.
-I simply CAN'T memorize. I know my phone number and address and a few other things but can't memorize other things. I did well in math, with all those formulas but the only reason I did well is because I learned how to derive the formulas all the time. I've been trying to memorize scripture verses for years. I can't. I have much trouble with spelling too... which is kind of memorization.
-I second guess myself constantly and don't make decisions well
-I HATE to drive b/c I don't generally know where I am or where I'm going. I get lost EVERY time I go somewhere new and usually for a few more times after that.
-I have the sensation of floating regularly. Of watching myself.
-I'm always losing things that I find in places I didn't realize I put them. This has lead to a need for routine places for things, like my keys always go in the same spot. Before I had that I used to start looking for my keys hours before I left the house.
-I am hypercritical
-I can't remember dates (of almost anything, past, present or future - they just don't make sense)
-I have interest and aptitude in very conflicting things: ex: math and art
-Truddi says she has noticed "sporadic awareness that had been stirred up lately." I TOTALLY have that. I think this is the feeling I get when my "parts" want to talk. It's kind of an intense searching for what's just under the surface.
-The last item is the most interesting one: Truddi has trouble with sort of emitting energy. When she spends much time with electronics they sort of break or malfunction. She says in the prologue it's b/c people in general have a certain amount of energy and when more than on person is present the energy multiplies. I can't wear a watch b/c the battery dies and the time doesn't stay regular. I've gone through 7 cell phones in the past 2 years b/c they just break. I've "fried" every computer I've ever had, even the ones at work that have tons of anti-virus and can't even download anything.
I'm sort of piecing things together like a detective. If I have symptoms XYZ then I have disorder XYZ. I need you to help me with some elimination. I want you to tell me that I, beyond a shadow of a doubt, 100% do not have DID. Or I want you to tell me that you aren't sure and it's worth exploring. If you think I have it then that's fine to know now too but the thing I really want to know is if I DON'T have it so I can stop thinking I do, if it's not a possibility. Saying I DON'T have it is not saying I DO. I know there is this continuum in many issues but at what point does a person draw the line and decide there is enough proof then not? So if you do not believe I have D.I.D. then what explains all of the above? I'm sure there are many explanations but what fits the best? What fits them ALL? I didn't want to spring this on you during session without time to think about it but I really need to know what YOU think about all this. I just want to KNOW. I'm locking my book away for now.
Concerned and Inquisitive,
After I sent that e-mail, I locked the book away. When I talked with my therapist, we put the idea of DID away for good. My symptoms and behaviors are not multiple personalities but I think I had to be sure of that before I started really diving into my parts. I don't think there are many people that do this kind of therapy work so I feel it's important to share with the world.
Dear Therapist
First: My symptoms have gone down to purging about 3 times a week. I also stopped weighing myself. I'm eating fairly regularly - as in 3 - 4 meals a day.
I started reading the book "When Rabbit Howls." Once I write this e-mail to you, I'm going to put it away until we talk again, at least. I've been pouring over it. It's a book about Truddi chase - a woman with 92 personalities. A counselor in Renfrew suggested I read it when I was there. Four years later I got to it. I'm on page 86 out of 370. I'm becoming engrossed in it. The similarities between this woman and myself are staggeringly alarming. I read for half my day yesterday. I took notes as I went, after I realized it was almost like reading about myself.
Here are my notes:
All of the these things I DO NOT share in common with "Truddi"
-Truddi says she has very few memories. I have a good amount of memories and have not lost much time throughout my life. I have moments where time seems to speed up and slow down in the same moments. I only have a handful of incidents where I completely checked out, like the one when I was driving last Sunday evening, a few times when I had to look through the trash to see what I had eaten the night before, a couple periods in Renfrew and about 3 months I'm told I lived with my grandmother. I've been working on an autobiography off and on and it's pretty long so I must remember most things. At this point I don't remember what I wrote in it though. I think it's close to 30 pages typed and I don't really know how I filled up that much. When writing it my memories are not linear. I can't just write what happened from as far back as I remember to now. I write a few things and end up slipping them into the approximate sequence afterward.
ALL of these things I share in common with "Truddi"
-I feel out of control most of the time. Very distanced
-I have trouble finding "safe" places, even imaginary ones
-I run away from many people and situations
-I write LOTS --- journals and journals
-My "parts" are mean to me and yell at me sometimes
-I have enormous amounts of shame, guilt fear and anxiety
-I don't respond to meds
-I have severe headaches --- sometimes without pain
-I can go through several ranges of emotions within minutes
-I often want to disappear or "go away"
-I have intense "sexual uncomfort" as well as conflicting sexual preoccupation as a small child (I knew about sex at age 2)
-I have a near inability to truly trust or sustain relationships
-I have intuitively been drawn to dialoging
-I never really believed I have DID but Truddi didn't know until in her 40s
-I often get that "bigger than myself" feeling
-I often ask "am I crazy" or just believe I am
-I have layers of defenses
-My "parts / personalities / people" don't want their names shared most of the time
-I have much fear of punishment
-FEAR FEAR FEAR
-There is a sense that therapy = something bad is going to happen and I'm going to find out more than I can handle (this book has given me the same feeling - one or maybe three of my parts TOLD me not to read this book
-Truddi says she hates chairs and won't sit in one during therapy. She says they are confining. I think the same way about shoes, necklaces and having my hair down during therapy. I call it my "therapy posture."
-I'm extremely easily startled / very jumpy
-I keep window shades drawn - Have you noticed that when we are in Sandy's room, when you leave the room before session to do something I pull the shades down?
-I am perfectionistic and successful in the world's eyes - very much so for a 27 year old single woman
-I have times where I'm afraid to leave the house, leave my couch even --- this is very conflicting from the above statement
-I am always questioning the motives of other people and generally pessimistic --- I think people are only motivated by their own needs and wants, yet other days I recall having so many good thoughts about humanity
-I have incredible energy (when I'm not frozen) --- especially when I was in college. I used to get home at 3 in the morning then get to a 7 am class
-I don't trust or believe myself and can NEVER make up my mind in a timely manner
-I often feel numb and like there is some impending doom
-One of my parts knows about another one of my parts but will not speak about him. Both of these parts are very strong parts
-As a child I had places in my house I was scared of. I never wanted to be in there alone. I used to think there were ghosts in this one house I lived in.
-Since I was about 7 or maybe it was 9 I sense different parts of me
-My 1st grade teacher had a discussion with my mom and I about my "day dreaming." I used to sit in class just staring at the wall or ceiling I guess. My teacher told me that every time I would catch myself drifting away I would have to make a tic mark on my page
-I don't usually expect what I see in the mirror and it semi-changes from day to day
-I have the sense that there are things I don't remember in my life but ... what? when? who?
-I forget things within minutes --- I generally think of them again later but I have had to get myself to repeat things over and over until I get someone if I need to do something. Example: If I need to get three things at the grocery for a dinner I want to make. I repeat the three things over and over and over until I have them all in the cart.
-This has also lead to numerous lists and schedules. So many in my life that I could wallpaper my house at least 5 times over with them.
-I simply CAN'T memorize. I know my phone number and address and a few other things but can't memorize other things. I did well in math, with all those formulas but the only reason I did well is because I learned how to derive the formulas all the time. I've been trying to memorize scripture verses for years. I can't. I have much trouble with spelling too... which is kind of memorization.
-I second guess myself constantly and don't make decisions well
-I HATE to drive b/c I don't generally know where I am or where I'm going. I get lost EVERY time I go somewhere new and usually for a few more times after that.
-I have the sensation of floating regularly. Of watching myself.
-I'm always losing things that I find in places I didn't realize I put them. This has lead to a need for routine places for things, like my keys always go in the same spot. Before I had that I used to start looking for my keys hours before I left the house.
-I am hypercritical
-I can't remember dates (of almost anything, past, present or future - they just don't make sense)
-I have interest and aptitude in very conflicting things: ex: math and art
-Truddi says she has noticed "sporadic awareness that had been stirred up lately." I TOTALLY have that. I think this is the feeling I get when my "parts" want to talk. It's kind of an intense searching for what's just under the surface.
-The last item is the most interesting one: Truddi has trouble with sort of emitting energy. When she spends much time with electronics they sort of break or malfunction. She says in the prologue it's b/c people in general have a certain amount of energy and when more than on person is present the energy multiplies. I can't wear a watch b/c the battery dies and the time doesn't stay regular. I've gone through 7 cell phones in the past 2 years b/c they just break. I've "fried" every computer I've ever had, even the ones at work that have tons of anti-virus and can't even download anything.
I'm sort of piecing things together like a detective. If I have symptoms XYZ then I have disorder XYZ. I need you to help me with some elimination. I want you to tell me that I, beyond a shadow of a doubt, 100% do not have DID. Or I want you to tell me that you aren't sure and it's worth exploring. If you think I have it then that's fine to know now too but the thing I really want to know is if I DON'T have it so I can stop thinking I do, if it's not a possibility. Saying I DON'T have it is not saying I DO. I know there is this continuum in many issues but at what point does a person draw the line and decide there is enough proof then not? So if you do not believe I have D.I.D. then what explains all of the above? I'm sure there are many explanations but what fits the best? What fits them ALL? I didn't want to spring this on you during session without time to think about it but I really need to know what YOU think about all this. I just want to KNOW. I'm locking my book away for now.
Concerned and Inquisitive,
After I sent that e-mail, I locked the book away. When I talked with my therapist, we put the idea of DID away for good. My symptoms and behaviors are not multiple personalities but I think I had to be sure of that before I started really diving into my parts. I don't think there are many people that do this kind of therapy work so I feel it's important to share with the world.
More Than One
After this past week, I'm learning much more about my parts. This past week was the first time Victoria spoke to someone without me interpreting. Some sort of gate was opened.
My parts can definitely operate simultaneously. Often times they NEED to. One that doesn't have one ability is supplemented by one that does or is a filter for that second one.
Example: Victoria's not emotional so often times another part is "out" with her to make sure she responds appropriately to people's emotion. They sort of switch back and forth, like a dance. Or if that part isn't fully out, that part will be close in the background sort of coaching Victoria on an appropriate response when she just doesn't get what people are saying about emotional stuff.
My parts can definitely operate simultaneously. Often times they NEED to. One that doesn't have one ability is supplemented by one that does or is a filter for that second one.
Example: Victoria's not emotional so often times another part is "out" with her to make sure she responds appropriately to people's emotion. They sort of switch back and forth, like a dance. Or if that part isn't fully out, that part will be close in the background sort of coaching Victoria on an appropriate response when she just doesn't get what people are saying about emotional stuff.
Shutdown
I often find myself completely shut down. I can't do much more than sit and stare. Today, I hit the shut down. My therapist and I also call this a "freeze." It used to only happen when I was in some sort of traumatic situation but now it happens at least once a week, generally more. Time is sort of distorted during these shutdowns.
I guess it's my way of taking a break when things get overwhelming. I really wish I could just get up and clean my house! That's when I wish Victoria would take over. She's the one that gets things done. She's a good one to be in public. It's safe when she's the one operating. It's not always good though. She can tend to offend people I think, because of her lack of empathy and compassion or simple regard for other people. She's what you would call a severe type A personality.
I've pretty much come to grips with the fact that I'm not getting anything done today. :( I'm still not happy about it though. My head is killing me and I know I need to eat but don't want to get up.
I guess it's my way of taking a break when things get overwhelming. I really wish I could just get up and clean my house! That's when I wish Victoria would take over. She's the one that gets things done. She's a good one to be in public. It's safe when she's the one operating. It's not always good though. She can tend to offend people I think, because of her lack of empathy and compassion or simple regard for other people. She's what you would call a severe type A personality.
I've pretty much come to grips with the fact that I'm not getting anything done today. :( I'm still not happy about it though. My head is killing me and I know I need to eat but don't want to get up.
People.Personalities.Parts
Hello Readers:
FIRST A LITTLE ABOUT ME
I'm an Engineer in my late 20's. Since April of 2001 I have had an active eating disorder. It's laid dormant for short periods of time but never gone away. I'm currently in a better place but have slips every now and then. My eating disorder (often referred to as ED) is not the only mental issue I deal with, nor has it been the hardest to overcome. I've been treated for a myriad of disorders, including but not limited to: Adjustment Disorder, PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Disorder, Bi-Polar 2 Disorder. I've been Baker Acted, admitted into an Inpatient Treatment Center, enrolled in an Intensive Outpatient Treatment Program, undergone countless hours of therapy and seen Nutritionists.
The biggest thing you should know about me is that I WILL NOT GIVE UP on having a good life. I AM A SURVIVOR. I've fought to live too many times to believe that I don't have a purpose to fulfill here on earth. While many of my friends and treatment acquaintances have left the Recovery path, I continue on. It's not fun but it's the only worthy option for me. Do I struggle, slip and even fall? OF COURSE!
The second thing you should know about me is that I am a Christian (at least most of me is --- more on that later). I believe what the Bible says. I want and need my relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. The triune God is who continues to save me and protect me as a whole. I have plenty of struggles with faith as well, though.
PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG
I have found myself needing to "unload" often. As I am now entering into a great period of self discovery, I need to share it with someone. I don't want to burden my friends, family and other support groups all the time. I hope you will give me feedback and comment on my blogs. Me and my parts need to know we are not alone.
I've also seen much benefit in listening to other people's stories. I hope my blog can give you hope, comfort and validation.
MY RULES
I will not disclose my name or specific details about myself. I will not have pictures of myself on this blog. (I will also not use real names of people or have pictures of other people, as to protect identities as much as possible.) The names and specifics are not important. The feelings and issues are important. I need this to remain anonymous. I'm sure some people out there will want to find me and I haven't gone to huge lengths to keep that from happening but I ask for anonymity. With anonymity I can be honest which will make this blog much more powerful and useful.
I will not post anything I do not believe to be true. With that said, I do not claim to be an expert on everything, so I may believe something that is untrue myself. I will not lie to you though. I HATE it when people lie to me. I often find myself needing an uplifting story but cannot believe what someone is telling me. You can believe what I write. I would rather tell the truth then tell you something that sounds good.
WHAT IS THE INTERNAL FAMILY SYSTEM (IFS) MODEL
I cannot describe it in clinical terms but here is my best understanding. IFS is a therapeutic tool for learning about how one's self behaves, reacts and relates to her world. It can sound a bit crazy and I have many times wondered if I'm crazy. However, I've seen so much progress come out of it. If you want to find out more about it, the best website I know is actually a treatment center website. It's the website for Castlewood Treatment Center: http://castlewoodtc.com. Mark and Richard Schwartz have made huge strides in IFS. They may have started it. I know very little about IFS technically but intuitively I know it's powerful.
It basically says that we all have multiplicity, different parts of our self. Think about it.... are you different at work than with friends or with friends than with family or at church, the grocery or a night club? This is NOT Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) (also known as Multiple Personality Disorder) but I feel like it's related, almost a lesser version. I have lots of parts and I'm just now beginning to understand what they do for me. The first part that "came out" with a name and spoke to someone else was Victoria, hence my name in this blog. I don't know how many more there will be or if any more of them will "speak" to someone without me. One of the main differences I see with IFS versus DID, is the amnesia. I fully remember what Victoria said and how she acts. I believe people with DID have no or very little recollection of what their other parts do, at least at first. It sounds a bit science fiction at times but I've decided to accept it as me and work with what I can learn from these parts.
Please join me in this journey.
Let's Go,
Victoria 1st
FIRST A LITTLE ABOUT ME
I'm an Engineer in my late 20's. Since April of 2001 I have had an active eating disorder. It's laid dormant for short periods of time but never gone away. I'm currently in a better place but have slips every now and then. My eating disorder (often referred to as ED) is not the only mental issue I deal with, nor has it been the hardest to overcome. I've been treated for a myriad of disorders, including but not limited to: Adjustment Disorder, PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Disorder, Bi-Polar 2 Disorder. I've been Baker Acted, admitted into an Inpatient Treatment Center, enrolled in an Intensive Outpatient Treatment Program, undergone countless hours of therapy and seen Nutritionists.
The biggest thing you should know about me is that I WILL NOT GIVE UP on having a good life. I AM A SURVIVOR. I've fought to live too many times to believe that I don't have a purpose to fulfill here on earth. While many of my friends and treatment acquaintances have left the Recovery path, I continue on. It's not fun but it's the only worthy option for me. Do I struggle, slip and even fall? OF COURSE!
The second thing you should know about me is that I am a Christian (at least most of me is --- more on that later). I believe what the Bible says. I want and need my relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. The triune God is who continues to save me and protect me as a whole. I have plenty of struggles with faith as well, though.
PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG
I have found myself needing to "unload" often. As I am now entering into a great period of self discovery, I need to share it with someone. I don't want to burden my friends, family and other support groups all the time. I hope you will give me feedback and comment on my blogs. Me and my parts need to know we are not alone.
I've also seen much benefit in listening to other people's stories. I hope my blog can give you hope, comfort and validation.
MY RULES
I will not disclose my name or specific details about myself. I will not have pictures of myself on this blog. (I will also not use real names of people or have pictures of other people, as to protect identities as much as possible.) The names and specifics are not important. The feelings and issues are important. I need this to remain anonymous. I'm sure some people out there will want to find me and I haven't gone to huge lengths to keep that from happening but I ask for anonymity. With anonymity I can be honest which will make this blog much more powerful and useful.
I will not post anything I do not believe to be true. With that said, I do not claim to be an expert on everything, so I may believe something that is untrue myself. I will not lie to you though. I HATE it when people lie to me. I often find myself needing an uplifting story but cannot believe what someone is telling me. You can believe what I write. I would rather tell the truth then tell you something that sounds good.
WHAT IS THE INTERNAL FAMILY SYSTEM (IFS) MODEL
I cannot describe it in clinical terms but here is my best understanding. IFS is a therapeutic tool for learning about how one's self behaves, reacts and relates to her world. It can sound a bit crazy and I have many times wondered if I'm crazy. However, I've seen so much progress come out of it. If you want to find out more about it, the best website I know is actually a treatment center website. It's the website for Castlewood Treatment Center: http://castlewoodtc.com. Mark and Richard Schwartz have made huge strides in IFS. They may have started it. I know very little about IFS technically but intuitively I know it's powerful.
It basically says that we all have multiplicity, different parts of our self. Think about it.... are you different at work than with friends or with friends than with family or at church, the grocery or a night club? This is NOT Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) (also known as Multiple Personality Disorder) but I feel like it's related, almost a lesser version. I have lots of parts and I'm just now beginning to understand what they do for me. The first part that "came out" with a name and spoke to someone else was Victoria, hence my name in this blog. I don't know how many more there will be or if any more of them will "speak" to someone without me. One of the main differences I see with IFS versus DID, is the amnesia. I fully remember what Victoria said and how she acts. I believe people with DID have no or very little recollection of what their other parts do, at least at first. It sounds a bit science fiction at times but I've decided to accept it as me and work with what I can learn from these parts.
Please join me in this journey.
Let's Go,
Victoria 1st
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