Living Life

I have recenlty had the strange thought that I don't really want to LIVE my life as much as I want to HAVE LIVED my life. It's a very complex thought.

Last week, I had planned to go to a free concert. I can't think of any reason why I didn't want to go to it but I didn't. I felt trapped in thinking I had to go to this concert. I kept thinking that I would have a good time once I was there but then the thought became, "I'll be happy I went to the concert." I ended up not going. Who wants to do something just to have a memory of it? It's kind of hard to explain....

It's the same kind of thought when it comes to the gym or cleaning. I have the thought that I'll be glad I went afterward. Why do it if I don't enjoy it in the moment?

I want to LIVE my LIFE. I don't want to have a goal to have already done something. I understand things like the gym, cleaning or getting through a big project but not the everyday "fun" things like concerts, reading, etc. What does that say about my life?

Loving Me

I have a thought that is bursting out of me.

I’ve always really liked ONE thing about myself. My hair. I have GREAT hair. I don’t think I’ve ever had a bad haircut; it always looks healthy, shiny, styled. I just have great hair. It’s been the one thing in my life that I have never felt guilty to say I liked about myself. When therapists and nutritionists ask me to make lists of the things I like about myself, “my hair” always makes the list. Sometimes it’s the only thing that makes list and most of the time it’s the only thing I TRULY believe when I write it on the list.

Tonight driving home from the movie “Eat Pray Love” I realized something else I like about myself. I LOVE being smart. I like having knowledge. I enjoy sharing my wisdom with other people but it’s not necessary for me to enjoy it. I like my intellect just for me. I enjoy figuring things out, solving problems, putting things together and understanding complicated thoughts. My intellectual abilities enhance my life.

This isn’t a prideful or superior thing. (Neither is my hair.) I don’t think I am smarter than the rest of the people on the earth. (Nor do I think I have the BEST hair on the earth.) It’s simply a quality about me that I value. It’s a quality that I don’t feel bad for admitting I like in myself.

I’m not sure what else I like about myself. Two things at 28 years old seem like a pretty short list but I feel blessed. I’m blessed to have ANYTHING I like about myself. I’d like to grow the list. At times there have been more items on the list but not items I felt comfortable with admitting or believed to the extent I believe these two items.

It’s very calming to understand I like myself, even if for just two reasons. It gives me the same emotion as snuggling on the couch with my favorite softest blankets. I’m smiling. I’m at peace and I’m comfortable. Not because I am smart or have great hair but because I KNOW I am smart and ENJOY my hair. Because I am loving myself….

Dialogue - Flashback

I recently (2 days ago) had a flashback of the last rape I experienced. This doesn't happen often to me. I've been raped twice. At times I actually feel lucky that I can't remember anything (due to drinking or being drugged) of the first time. The second one is enough for me to handle. Both were traumatic (memories or not).

I decided a long time ago not to press charges. My thought is that one of the two lives involved has already been ruined, why ruin the man's life too. I'm told this is a compassionate view. I'm also told it's a codependent view. It is very much based out of the idea that I feel like it was my fault and he (both men) may not even think he did anything wrong.

I've recently come to realize that no matter what I call it, who I blame or how little I remember of it, the incident affected my life negatively.

One of my parts holds those events. I've written about her before. It's Pandora. She let the box open and everything spilled out. On Friday in the middle of shaking, remembering and reliving the event I didn't take the time to check in with any of my parts. Today they burst forward in the middle of church and demanded to be heard.

It started with a general sadness. I was deeply sad and lonely today. I could tell that The Monster was activated as he filled the place where my heart should be. It seeped into my body from my throat to my stomach. I began journaling just to observe The Monster. It's very hard for me to connect with this part or understand it. Here's what came out as I wrote:

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It is a chaotic, thundering, anxious storm of loneliness and despair. I want to curl up, sink into the floor, hide, scream, cry and die. It (The Monster) is very amorphous. It has no boundaries. It cannot be contained. It has access to everyone and everywhere. It is out of control. It is extremely reactionary. It's overwhelmed and over whelming.

I wasn't getting much from general observation that I didn't already know so I began to dialogue:
Me: What are you trying to do or tell me, Monster?

The Monster: There's too much packed away. You HAVE to clean some of this out. I can't hold it anymore. It's unrealistic.

Me: I don't know how to do that. It hasn't been working. Why aren't any of you releasing and unburdening the things you hold? I can't change what happened!

The Monster: You have to listen. You have to do something different.

Me: There are too many to listen to. Too many stories and too much pain. How do I ever have enough time?

~~~At this point The Monster was replaced by The Protector. I didn't realize it at first though.~~~

The Protector: Deal with the things that hurt and affect you the most first. You MUST spend time with us. It is the only way you will know us.

Me: I'm worried I won't be able to handle it. I'm worried my therapist (or anyone else) will not be able to help me.

The Protector: She can and will. You are the one who will really do all the work though.

Me (this is when I heard that it was The Protector): Hello Protector. I'm glad you're here. What happened with Pandora? Where were you?

The Protector: It's not her fault. I opened the safe. I let out the stories, images and past.

Me: Did you tell her? Did you warn her? She's scared. She's hiding. She feels like she failed.

The Protector: I did not. She would have never let me help.

Me: How can you say that was help? How can you call yourself a Protector? Who are you really? What about Pandora?

The Protector: I AM your protector. It's time to deal with it. I want the best for you. Let's talk to Pandora. She needs to know she did a good job.

Pandora: How can you say that!?!? I failed! My only job was to keep that hidden!

The Protector: That WAS your job. It killed you though. You did it very well all this time. You didn't and still don't know the whole plan. Your job was to hide it until the girl (ME) could deal with it.

Me (feeling genuine concern): I'm so sorry Pandora. I'm sorry you had to do that in the first place. I'm sorry you don't feel any other purpose or sense of worth.

The Protector: You are beautiful Pandora. You can rest. You will have another job. Remember how we made this chair for you? Will you sit in it. (Pandora had been huddled up in a dark corner hiding and crying. The Protector takes her hand and leads her to the chair. She sits down and continues to cry.) It's okay. I'll stay with you. We are okay now (addressing me). You can go back to the church bookstore.

Me: Can I?! This was a lot. How do I smile now? I'm blank.

The Monster: I know. I have to take this. I'll do my best but I'm almost at capacity.

Abuse?

I've been dreading seeing my step father. Today the feeling is more intense since I have to see him tonight. I generally always dread seeing him but it's been much worse in the past couple months.

It seems like every time I've seen him in the past couple months, he's done something to hurt me or the family. Examples: hit my sister just walking by because she didn't read his mind and do his job, refuse to see any of us because his pride was hurt, insult my mom multiple times, belittle my brother, cuss us all out....

Why would I want to spend any time with him?

I just got the "warning" call from my mom. I get them often. They always have the same basic script. "You should come over a little later than originally planned because something happened to piss him off and now he's in an even worse mood than normal." This is my mother's speak for 'I'm trying to minimize the pain he will inflict on you and get you prepared to deal with the hell that's about to ensue.' I'm not sure if she consciously knows that's what she's saying but she delivers the message well.

I'm honestly glad to have the extra 30 minutes or so to prepare but who should ever have to PREPARE to see their step father. I appreciate the information but at the same time it's almost not worth it. It just builds the anxiety and I usually end the call with asking if mom is okay.... Codependent, much? You see these messages from my mom never include the option to just not come or the glimpse of hope that she's actually told him what an ass he is and won't put up with it anymore.

Is this abuse?

Jumbled Up and Messy

Today's been hard. Harder than most days. (I feel like I say that a lot...)

I've been doing much better with my eating disorder behaviors. I haven't been binging, purging or restricting much at all.

I saw my nutritionist today. I've been waiting almost 2 weeks to see her. She's very helpful for me. She's changing her hours though and won't have any time available when I'm not working. I immediately became almost hopeless and felt abandoned again. I feel like I rely too much on her but what else can I do? I feel like I have to learn to rely on someone to regain faith in people. Everyone has let me down. I wish I could see her more but she's expensive and now our schedules clash. She helps me so much though. I'm worried I won't get to see her at all now. I don't know what to do.

One of the things I discussed with her today is the sexual assault I've experienced. It's not a topic I can speak of freely. I didn't even get into the details of it with her but it was still hard. We talked about how it's affected my food and eating. I've seen my nutritionist close to four years now. I had the eating disorder before the sexual assault but I began to wonder if the eating disorder would have been nearly as bad if the sexual assault had not happened.
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I'm debating on if I want to report the assault to the police. I heard of this organization called the Victim Service Center. It helps people who have been victims. As I've begun to think more and more about it, it's coming back. I've never really healed from it. I can't push it aside anymore if I want to be in recovery. I just don't know if reporting it will help me at all. What if it's just more pain without any justice or help? I would like it if the center could give me a grant to pay for therapy and nutrition counseling but I also feel like I'm steeling. I feel like my case isn't that bad and I don't deserve the money. I'm scared to tell my story because it hasn't helped the few times I did.

I found myself in a flashback today. (Probably because I was talking about it earlier.) I was shaking and crying and hopeless and wanted to die. I felt the same things I did that night. On one hand I feel like I'm over dramatizing it but on the other hand I feel like I was a victim. I really don't know what to do.
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I've been spending some time with a girl from Celebrate Recovery. I like her. We get along well and she's pretty easy to be around. Tonight, I'm not sure what happened though. I feel like I was too much for her to handle. Or maybe I was giving too much advice. Or maybe she was just dealing with her own stuff. After CR we had planned to have dinner but she left. She called me on her way out. I figured she still wanted to have dinner so I asked where she wanted to go. When I met her at the restaurant she was kind of upset. I listened and offered sympathy and advice when I could.

After I thought she was sort of done venting and being upset I started to tell her about what was going on for me today. I felt like she was frustrated by me. I felt like she thought I should be doing more for my recovery. At one point she asked me several things about if I had a sponsor, if I was working the steps, if I had an accountability partner and told me how that's the point of CR. She also sort of lectured me on why binging and purging is bad for me. (She's a recovered bulimic so I know she understands.) She told me I should do a different type of therapy. She said that she wishes I saw in myself what she sees in me. That sounds like a compliment and it was but then she started telling me that I should be using my spiritual gifts more to give back. She was telling me I should be a leader in CR and that I didn't need to sing in the band (which is what I want to do. Was she telling me I'm a bad singer?) When do I get to be "given to?" Why do I have to keep giving up and giving up and giving up? When is God going to fill into me! I know that's selfish, especially because I have so much and have been in therapy for years. I should have it all figured out right? So what does that say about me if I don't have it figured out.

I don't know what she was trying to say. Why did she say all that? Why couldn't she let me be sad and empathize with me? I wanted to share my story a little bit with her and get some advice on how to handle the emotions that have been coming up for me. I didn't want to get a lecture. I think I need a break from her for a few days. I've seen her 3 days in this week and talked to her almost every day. That's much more than I usually do.
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I can't sleep in my bed tonight. That's a tale tell sign that the sexual assault is really bothering me. I've got my stuff to sleep on the couch all set out. I slept on my couch for a week after the last incident happened. I could barely go into my room for days.

Recovery Again

So I'm back in recovery. I'm NOT thrilled about it though. I'm still very much on the fence and there is a strong pull to restrict. I ate 2 desserts yesterday and literally hated myself for it! I went to bed wishing I would die because of what I ate. I didn't purge it because I know ED is still running the show. I'm trying to separate and disobey his commands.

I have been eating disorder symptom free for almost 3 days.

My greatest fear is still that I will be alone forever. I was reading TIME Magazine today. The entire magazine is about Mother Teresa. I am fascinated by this woman. It says that she was not "called to be a wife." Maybe she was happy about that but what about me? I know God doesn't call us all to marriage but I want it soooooooooooo badly. But I often don't know why I want it.

My therapist asked me if I could be in a relationship while still in a relationship with ED? I don't know. The books and professionals say that you can't but empirical data has proven otherwise. Many of my friends with ED have been in good supportive relationships. What do you think? Can someone have a healthy romantic relationship while engaging in an eating disorder? Why or why not?

TERRIFIED

I am terrified TERRIFIED of being FAT, gaining weight, being the size my clothes keep telling me I am and just plain having any normal body size. This may seem odd to the people who know me, since I am well into the obese range of weight.

I've been binging, purging and restricting for 17 days now. I've managed to retain the equivalent of about 1 meal a day. I've "successfully" lost about 5 pounds.

As I laid in bed tonight it hit me. While terror may reside in sizes, weights and the mirror, my true anguish comes from the thought, "I don't want to be alone."

I have a new friend of mine (who's in recovery) to thank for that statement. She called me today and said those words at one point during the conversation. She was referencing something totally different. In the moment I felt a note ring in my body, like the feeling one gets when a cello solo resonates with a single expressive sound. In the moment I figured my heart was jumping in compassion for my friend. I didn't give it another thought until I was curled up in bed trying to get to sleep despite my growling stomach and dreams of food.

I'm not sure how I got that moment of clarity but I thank God for it. I began to cry, not your average couple tears on the pillow cry. I'm talking all out, scared the neighbors will hear, mascara everywhere, fetal position, gut wrenching sob. (FYI - I don't cry alone normally. I just can't.) That thought is my motivation for SOOOOOOOOOO much.

I'm reading a book (Life Without ED) for a therapeutic book discussion group. It's a great book but it's not helping me. I keep thinking about the lessons the author is giving but I fight the truth in them. I'm not sure what I want to do next. I'm tired of not eating. I LIKE FOOD! Now that I know the "why" in my relapse, what next? I feel like I need to get into see my Nutritionist or Therapist but what will that say about me? I can't even get myself to eat unless I pay a healthcare professional to coach me? I'm unsure of who is talking at any point lately. Is it ED or Me? Those two voices aren't any different any more or maybe my voice is just gone. Then I remember what the author said, "Whatever it takes." Am I ready to do whatever it takes? I know the "whatever" is never the fun side of recovery. I don't get to talk my way through malnutrition. If I could, I'd be cured! Talking about feelings and relaxation techniques are the fun side of recovery. "Whatever" generally boils down to eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full. I know I have to just BITE THE BULLET (pun intended) but even my cry didn't get me into the kitchen to make a meal or even drink some milk.

My current plan is to go to work without eating or drinking anything and weigh myself on the scale in shipping. Then I'll make up my mind what my next step is. How terrible is that!?

My fears are outweighing my better judgment and logic. I want to be a certain weight for my cousin's wedding. I hate weddings. It's just another reminder of how ALONE I am. And this one is with my entire family in a small city, while we stay in one giant house TOGETHER! (SAVE ME!) I want to show them I've lost weight. I want a boyfriend. I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE AND BEING FAT JUST KEEPS ME ALONE!