Big Step

I took a big step today in getting my parts to work together. My most damaged part has decided she wants to heal and is ready to move forward. I went to a place that is very triggering and used some new tools of creating imaginary safe places and containing this part so she doesn't have to experience the trauma over and over again. (I know I'm being vague but it's not safe yet to even share in this anonymous way.)

It worked pretty well. My first try at being in this place without completely checking out and dissociating or hurting myself proved possible. There were a few moments when my system threatened to spin me out of control but I feel some hope that life might be possible, even for me with my new multiple personalities.

D.I.D.

I was shocked this past week when I had to undergo an evaluation with my therapist in order to address an insurance issue. My insurance company asked to review my case for medical necessity, which basically means they are trying to cut off coverage for therapy.

I've been through all kinds of emotions over this but I didn't expect the latest turn of events.

I've always said that I deal with a fairly normal level of multiplicity. I always believed I am segregated into parts but in a more normal way. After having to review the diagnosis with my therapist, I have come to believe I truly have Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.). I kind of always wondered since my parts seem to have totally different lives then me at times. Faced with the actual diagnosis on paper and being shared with other people is an entirely different story.

I'm not worried about the work I do with my therapist. I trust her and do not believe that will change. She was actually very reluctant to do this evaluation but I asked her in order to try to get further insurance coverage. I feel very alone though now. I don't guess it's a common diagnosis and fear that people will think I'm crazy. My therapist gave me the choice to not include it in the report, which was kind of her but if it's true then why wouldn't it go into the report. She also diagnosed me with a couple other things. The only one that shocked me was Borderline Personality Disorder. I can't imagine actually telling people I have this. I really feel crazy.

To make it even worse, many of my parts are very activated. They seem to be in some sort of uproar. Sure, I have lots of other stuff going on recently too but it's just not a good time. On one hand its kind of nice to have a name for my issues but I feel like a freak. I'm sorry if anyone reading this also has these issues. I am sure I would never even think this way if someone else told me the same thing. It's hard to look in the mirror at myself without feeling like I've changed in some sort of way. I know I'm the same person but I feel ... Shame. Has anyone else deal with this?

The final straw broke me when I realized my therapist isn't the only one who sees me this way. I went to a psychiatrist recently for some general anxiety issues as well as to see if she could help with the insurance issues. Without hardly any information from me and NONE from my therapist, the psychiatrist gave me the same basic diagnoses. How could that be? I don't even talk to her about parts. I hardly ever see her. It's actually been over two years since I've seen her and she ALSO thinks I'm crazy!

I'm very conflicted and worried about what this could mean. I always wanted to feel special and different but not in this way. I feel slightly lost and can't tell anyone. Actually I've tried to tell people but my support network seems to be all dealing with their own crises. Why don't I matter enough?

Hurting,
Us

Chaos

There has been considerable chaos in my system lately. I am growing more and more each day but I feel like there are so many things against me in this world. Not in a paranoid manner just a " life must go on" kind of way. At times it gets very disappointing and I find myself desperate and even entertaining suicidal thoughts briefly as I feel hopeless.

I have made some breakthroughs recently with my therapist but everything seems to be going so much slower. Im getting very frustrated. I find many of my parts are activated from everything going on. I have a bunch of external as well and internal issues arising, resulting in this chaos. Does anyone else get frustrated at the speed of your therapeutic progress?

I cant help but feel a bit desperate or reactive at this time. Maybe it's a Christmas thing too. There is always so much going on this time of year. I wish we could spread christmas out over the entire year or at least several months so it's not such a big ordeal!

I went to this group this past week that was very triggering on many levels for many parts. I can't seem to shake the effects of this therapy group, specifically the therapist. She, like so many other people in my life, crossed my boundaries and I felt helpless to change anything. I couldn't stop her. I'm angry at her but I just end up taking it out on myself or my friends. I want to yell and scream at her but I feel like I was the one that was wrong. Why do I internalize all of this sooooooooo much? I get upset and angry that I'm upset and angry!

How crazy is that!?! And the even crazier part is that I still want to go back! Is this masochism? Is it just what I'm used to? There WAS good that came out of the group too. Maybe I want to return for the good parts. I hope so.

I need to learn some better boundary lines if I go back though. I dont want to spend another week sad, anxious and irittable over it. So many of my parts were triggered that I still haven't been able to dialogue about it. All my parts are just screaming like a giant chorus of deamons. ... Not that my parts are evil but it's just this loud terrible sound of everyone trying to get heard.... Maybe a better analogy is like what you would hear as you want into a cafeteria or food court.... A loud mess of noise but no distinguishable words!