Games

I just wish I could take all my past, all my hurts, all my memories and scrape them out of my brain.  I want to be simple instead of complicated.  I want easy, denial, fun, carefree.  I’m not those things.  I seem to be so tired lately from everything.  I’m heavy and burdened and sad.  I’m confused and guilty so often. I sense there are a lot of parts activated.  I really WANT to do part work with my therapist Wednesday but I'm not sure if I'm stable enough. I want to address how I relate to other people because I feel like I might be hurting myself and others (mentally). I don't seem to be able to "play nice" lately (internally and externally).  I seem to find myself stuck in games that I didn't know I started with rules that I can't figure out and I really feel crazy.... Is that blending? I have done this for almost as long as I can remember. I play games with people but they aren't the fun kind. There is this intricate level system of tests but there is never any way to win. I never win and the other person never does either. I never understand the rules but I think it all centers around one question: Can I REALLY trust them?