Exiles

I've made some good progress lately with my parts. We all want to move faster though. We are anxious to unburden Pandora. She seems to be the forefront of almost every issue that comes up lately. I don't know how to proceed though and my therapist doesn't really know IFS.

In the meantime, I'm still learning more about my system. I'm getting to know my exiles better. I found a new part this past week. It's an exile; one of my Little Ones. They've all been sort of one chorus of voices for the longest time. They were too scared to separate. As I've been working through some of my harder past issues and making big steps to care for myself maybe they are feeling safer.

I can't help but be scared of them. It's a strange cycle. They are scared of me for locking them away so they all joined together to keep from being identifiable. I'm scared of them so I lock them away. Now I'm trying to break the cycle and it's hard when it's embedded in mistrust and abandon.

My abandonment issues have been front and center in the past few days. A friend (very good friend) of mine is in the hospital and very very sick. She's cut me out of that part of her life. I don't understand it. I'm trying to remember that it's not about me and she may just need different things than I do when I'm sick. Then I had a dream about my old therapist. She was such a problem for me and every now and then something happens to force all that pain back into my life.

I know its all connected. I know God's going to take care of all of this but I can't help but be sad, lonely and anxious at times.

Birthday

I regret I have not posted to my blog in some time. I apologize to anyone who was reading it.

Yesterday was my birthday and I took today off of work. Many people think this was to "play" but it's been a really hard day.

My anxiety level has been through the roof as one appointment led to the next. First was a visit to the Women's Doctor, something I've literally been avoiding for at least 5 years due to my previous sexual assault. (The appointment wasn't great but I avoided the physical exam for another week so at least I didn't have to deal with that.) Then I did a food experiential with my nutritionist, which is stressful in itself but I had to go to a restaurant that I've never been. I was running late and got lost trying to get there. Then I had an appointment with my therapist, that I was sort of looking forward to because I had lots I needed to talk about but I got derailed. I ran into a close family friend at the office and found out she's seeing MY THERAPIST! I don't like that. I don't want anyone I know to see my therapist. SHE'S MINE! It is this really weird, stressful dynamic. I don't want to hear about my therapist from someone else. I don't want to hear how she's different or has different rules for one person over me.

Now, I still feel sick to my stomach and have a headache from all the stress but I feel like my Birthday weekend is running out and I should be having FUN! I have to go to my terrible job tomorrow and I don't want to! All I want to do is sleep away this pain (physical and emotional) but then I will also sleep away my day!

My little parts (Rapunzel in particular) wants to watch the movie Tangled but I feel silly for that. I also worry it will make the headache worse. Then Victoria feels like we haven't accomplished enough this weekend (which is a lie) so wants me to get up and clean the house (which really DOES need it). Where is my sense of balance? Why can't I just understand what I want to do? I've been like this with food lately too. I have no idea what I want to eat at any given time.

I feel pretty messy right now. I want someone to tell me what to do or take care of me or at least tell me I'm okay!