Little Ones

My little ones are so important to me. They have endured such pain with their young understanding. I feel sorry for them regularly and I appreciate their care givers often. In my system these care givers are a mixture of protectors and firefighters. Every now and then the managers even provide resources to them. The system was designed in service of The Little Ones and other Exiles. Everything we do is to help, protect, comfort and entertain them. I love them DEARLY. Little Ones and Exiles, please hear me. I love you all! I will never leave you. I never WANT to leave you. Sometimes I need a little space though. I have other things I must do in the day and week so we can continue to stay together. You are ALL SOOOOOO important. I NEED your information but I need you to keep hold of it for a few more days. I KNOW how hard that is to do. You shouldn't have to hold on to it EVER. I would like to give you some help if I can. The Monster, The Historian and both Protectors have offered to help carry the load. If you want to temporarily give some of the information to them, they have promised to give it back when we need it and have time to review it with our Therapist's help. She can help and she is dedicated to do so. She said she wouldn't leave us even though other people have. Would you like to share a few things with them now? (They transferred a few pieces of the heavy load. Not everything of any single issue but enough to feel lighter.) Now, let's take a small restful nap before the holidays get too busy with people, energy, traditions, food and requirements. It's okay, just focus on the good in it all. We enjoy Christmas and family. I'm here and if things get "sketchy" we have PLENTY of options. I am an adult now and able to make my own decisions. Sweet dreams! :)

Sleepy

I had a very “PART DRIVEN” experience last night. I felt very dissociated, ashamed and embarrassed. I thought I was past a lot of this. I am shocked by my own system’s ability to control me. I didn’t want them to take over but I had no power to make my own decisions. I started to work with an exiled part during a therapy session. I thought I was getting close but then several other parts must have jumped in. The first thing I remember is a part screaming in my head. I had to concentrate not to start screaming in the office. Then I felt another part. I call the next part, Shutdown, because it LITTERALLY shuts me off like the flip of a switch. I didn’t realize it at the time but my therapist recognized the part. I suddenly felt extremely tired. I could hardly move and couldn’t keep my eyes open. A third part started to panic. I struggled for a minute while trying to gain control back but then I was lost. There was no Self left. I fell asleep (I think). It’s very “fuzzy.” I’m having considerable “fall out” from last night. It was so strange. I remember it like a dream and moments like a nightmare. I find myself dealing with some VERY strong feelings of shame and embarrassment. I’m not sure why. I have levels of shame far greater than ANYTHING that came from sharing my testimony recently in front of approximately 200 people. (WOW! I can tell strangers about the worst moments of my life but I can’t let my therapist see me fall asleep when I’m unable to deal with whatever it was my system was protecting me from.) I don’t even remember the last time I felt this embarrassed and ashamed… it may have been college when I got so drunk that I thought my friend’s desk chair was a toilet. THAT’S TERRIBLE! I think it has something to do with how I felt so extremely unable to control the situation. I felt like I was watching it all play out. I was at the mercy of my parts. That’s frightening. I soooooooooooooooo BADLY want to be OVER IT ALL! I believe this is the sentiment from the whole system. We truly want to heal this and want it to be gone. If that is a collective opinion, why do they all distract and step in when it is time to talk about it? I WANT to do this work but my body (parts) aren’t letting me. I know it “takes as long as it takes.” I respect the work takes time but I don’t feel like I’ve done much work…. This all seems like “pre-work.” My heart breaks for the burden my exiled part continues to endure. I know it is not the exiled part that is trepidatious. I can see her and she is eager for me to be near and hear her but I still can only see her through a fog. I do remember Shutdown telling me something about rest and preparation. He makes a good point. I am thankful for his information. I seem to be hearing that if unburdening the exiled part is a priority then self care must be a priority, at least while doing this work. I don’t hear this as judgment. Obviously, my system can function without the self care. My general distress tolerance has been pushed to the limit lately. I can live my life on “full blast” and ride it out. No worries. However, I cannot keep up this pace AND have what I need to work in this area with this part. It takes time, rest, grieving and reflection (at least that’s what I know today). I believe that is Shutdown’s requirement. This comes as I have been presented with the opportunity to sing with my church’s choir for Christmas…. I don’t want to say no…. but I want a break. I have the urge to drop all my commitments and spend the week curled up in bed with my soft blankets letting myself cry. I’m going to work on rejuvenation this week. I will practice better self care, even if only just a bit more. I want my system to be balanced, peaceful, loved and strong.

Attachment Success

I have this really awesome therapist. I’ve been seeing her for years now. The first time I saw her I bluntly informed her that I didn’t want to know anything about her life. I had just removed myself from a bad situation with a previous therapist. The previous therapist and I struggled with a considerable amount of “enmeshment,” transference and possibly counter transference. I may never truly know what went wrong in that relationship but I do believe she did not maintain the proper boundaries on issues I needed her to. I’m learning to realize the previous therapist is human and continuing to resent her for my pain is only hurting me. That therapist had been preceded by a therapist who had done the SAME thing and mixed things up even more by befriending me then rejecting me. (Or so it felt.) I have since, with the help of my current therapist, healed many of those wounds and come to a new understanding about relationships. By the time I walked into my new therapist’s office I was distraught and pessimistic about therapists in general. She has made all the difference, though. She has been incredible with creating the right boundaries and safe relationship rules so I can find safety and healing in her office. Recently, I feel like our relationship is changing a bit. Until the last few months it was been very separate. It has always been full of respect, nurturing, challenge, and encouragement but void of any of the therapist’s personal life. I lead a group where I see some of her clients and we have been very careful NOT to discuss them. Lately, some of the boundaries are softening and maybe even starting to shift. Last night we both went to an event where one of her clients / my friend was speaking. My therapist and I aren’t “besties” by any means but there was a bit more connection. She is a wonderful woman and VERY good at her job. I appreciate her as much as anyone EVER in my life. I rely on her to guide me into my self knowledge and confidence. Not generally in a dependent manner but I would definitely be sad if she left my life for any reason. I know I would survive though. And there’s the difference!!!!! When the two previous therapists were removed from my life, I thought I was no longer a valuable person anymore and would rather avoid life all together. When I initially started to feel this “softening” of lines with my current therapist, I completely freaked out! I refused to admit there was any kind of a change and jumped into denial. I did not want to deal with the same situation again. Much of this change though, I have instigated. I am “joining her circle” a bit professionally and am not willing to change my life’s direction to avoid her. (Plus…. Why would I?! That doesn’t make sense. I’m in therapy so I can break free of the control placed on me by other people not just shift the control to my therapist.) And trust me… it’s a very minor shift. I actually wonder if she even knows it’s happening….. but then I remember that she is very good at her job. Hhhhhmmmmmm. It started with a bit more information about her personal life, then maybe a text message when she previously would not have replied, then a story about her daughter. Next, she was offering me some direct and personal encouragement along with re-assuring me that she likes me as a person and enjoys our time together. Last night at the event, she solicited two hugs from me and chatted very casually on the way to our cars. I know this doesn’t sound like much but for me it is! And I wasn’t freaked out! It was perfectly fine and comfortable. (At least for me.) This is healing. This is a complex relationship that is WORKING! My abandonment issues in the past have led me to overly attaching to people. I tend to put people on a pedestal and let them replace God in my life. I have previously looked toward women slightly older than myself for approval and identity. I do not see my therapist in this way, though. I see her as someone I like very much but as completely separate from me. She does not dictate my life, choices, actions or identity. She adds to my life synergistically. I am very thankful to her and celebrate this as a victory in my recovery. No person will ever “complete” me, because I am enough just the way God made me.

Yoga Class?

I’ve had an interesting dialogue of emotions over something that should be fairly simple and benign over the past months. I’m not necessarily worried about it so maybe that means I am operating in Self… or it’s just not an extreme response. I find it amusing. Each time I read the yoga schedule published by a local recovery center, I have a similar thought process… in parts it goes something like this: Pseudo-self: Oh, look, they are having yoga classes! The Dreamer: Oooooo, cool, can we go? That would be so much fun! All that time of loving our body and taking the chance to feel into how great our life is and will be! Pleeeeeaaaaaassssseeeee! It’s going to be awesome! Yay! Victoria: Let’s see what fits into our schedule. With all the running we are doing we need to be doing yoga. It will be good for injury prevention so we can continue to run. It’s good for developing other muscles and working our arms. Our arms need work. We need to make this fit into our schedule. (Then I look at the schedule and pretty much realize there is only one time that works well for me. I do this at least once a week! It’s as if I believe if I look at the schedule enough times it will change or I will magically see one that works when it didn’t before. The only feasible time is generally a Plus Sized Yoga Class. Thus starts the really interesting dialogue….) People Pleaser: PLUS SIZE!!!! We can’t do that! Logic: But I AM plus sized. Size 14 is technically a plus size and we are a 14 or 16. Amy: Oh my God! I’m still so huge! I’ve been running my ass off for months but it’s not GOING anywhere! I’m such a failure! I have to stop eating so much! I’m so ashamed. This is why we don’t have a boyfriend! People Pleaser: No, I might be plus sized but people don’t see me that way. Remember the woman at Macy’s. She tried to get us to leave the women’s department because she didn’t believe I was a size 14 / 16. Amy: Why is that? WE TOTALLY LOOK BIGGER! Restrict! Restrict! Restrict! Rapunzel: Should we gain some weight? I really liked what The Dreamer said. I want to go too. Angel Baby: But I want to be loved. Amy says that gaining weight is bad because then people don’t want to be around me. People Pleaser: Everyone, you don’t understand! If we go to the class we will be seen the way that Macy’s lady saw us. We will be a TRIGGER and INSULT to the REST of the class, similar to when we are around a bunch of obviously anorexic / underweight people who think they are fat. Don’t you remember, our therapist told us this could happen once, too. They will resent us then internalize their anger and start to feel guilty or ashamed themselves. I would HATE it if we hurt someone else. We CANNOT go! Rapunzel: Oh, I wouldn’t want to do that either! I didn’t know. We want everyone to have a good class and be happy and healthy. The Dreamer: But I still want to go… Victoria: This wouldn’t be good yoga anyway! It will be like the yoga I did in treatment which didn’t have any actual physical improvement or benefit. We will find a more challenging class. Self: We will go if we want to and the time works. It’s like a sit-com in here sometimes! I am actually getting “triggered” by the THOUGHT of a therapy yoga class. However, I want to say… I truly LOVE The Dreamer!!!!

Life Sucks

Eating disorders suck and so does my life! I want to be skinny and pretty and happy and sucessful but I am NONE OF THOSE THINGS! I'm alone, fat and a failure. My own therapist lies to me! Why would she do that? The only legitimate reason I can think of, is because I'm a pain in the ass. I'm not important to anyone. I'm difficult. I'm a leech. I'm someone people "put up with." How did I get to be such an ass hole? Why can't I change? I'm always in some kind of pain or dealing with some kind of trauma. I really don't deserve to live, nor do I want to anymore. I can't even have a successful eating disorder. I went about a week and a half restricting about 50% of my food and I didn't lose any weight. I couldn't do it anymore. I've eaten soooooooo much food today! I truly hate myself. I'm a fighter and a survivor but I just don't care anymore. The people that are closest to me have betrayed me. I don't like anything in my life.

Games

I just wish I could take all my past, all my hurts, all my memories and scrape them out of my brain.  I want to be simple instead of complicated.  I want easy, denial, fun, carefree.  I’m not those things.  I seem to be so tired lately from everything.  I’m heavy and burdened and sad.  I’m confused and guilty so often. I sense there are a lot of parts activated.  I really WANT to do part work with my therapist Wednesday but I'm not sure if I'm stable enough. I want to address how I relate to other people because I feel like I might be hurting myself and others (mentally). I don't seem to be able to "play nice" lately (internally and externally).  I seem to find myself stuck in games that I didn't know I started with rules that I can't figure out and I really feel crazy.... Is that blending? I have done this for almost as long as I can remember. I play games with people but they aren't the fun kind. There is this intricate level system of tests but there is never any way to win. I never win and the other person never does either. I never understand the rules but I think it all centers around one question: Can I REALLY trust them?

Enough

I'm truly drowning!  I can't pack anything else into my schedule and now a friend I haven't seen in years wants to stop by for the night.  I want to see her but I can't help wonder "why now!"  I've invited her multiple times before and now that she has a work trip here, she suddenly needs a place to crash!  NO!  But I said "maybe... if it's an emergency."  The problem is, I would like to see her.  I know this has "healthy boundaries exercise" written all over it.  I'm just so tired of saying no to things I WANT to do because I HAVE to say yes to things I DON'T want to do.  I just don't want to grow up! I do not feel in control of my life right now.  I don't enjoy things anymore.  Work, Family, Friends, Home, Cats, Me, Exercise, Food, Church, Vacation, Interviews ... it all seems like work!  Nothing is exciting.  I'm struggling with depression, for real.  I know it, I feel it and I just don't want to deal with it! It's too late right now and I still have a chapter to read for church with questions, clothes to pack for tomorrow and a testimony to write.... ha ha!  I'm going to bed! Screw it!  Oh, and I have to be at work early.  Something's gotta give or soon it's gunna be me! Enough!

Flirting and Parts

I had so much happen this week.  I went through a whole progression that I didn't quite know I had in me and am still trying to figure. Something happened with a man on a work trip was inappropriate.  He said something that insinuated a risqué sexual interaction between the two of us. I've suffered some trauma in this field so I freaked out.  I was torn by my parts, who all got activated immediately.   I had parts feeling ALL different kinds of things! Someone I trust mentioned that feelings of attraction are normal and natural. I wondered if all my parts were able to hear that statement.  I'm pretty sure they got the point.  At first I reacted mostly in fear, disgust and embarrassment.   I am still pretty confused.  I don't want to be with this man but I think there are parts of me that don't know that, don't care or don't know the difference.   I somehow went from feeling only bad things to something else.  I don't know what happened.  I suspect that I felt in control and my defenses were decreased.  I'm not entirely sure how that happened though.  Maybe it was the conversation with my parts.  I hope it was.  That would mean they are starting to trust me. Thursday, I was slightly mischievous.  I was "playful."  (I'm wondering if I was inappropriate... I hope I was professional.  I fear that everyone saw me and judged me.) I had fun.  The two of us sort of joked around.  He kind of made fun of me for a couple things.... I put my tennis shoes on and forgot my badge so he poked fun at me.  He was making fun of a couple guys in the plant with us too, but only so I could hear.  It was "our secret" sort of thing.  It was kind of like flirtation, I think but I don't understand....I knew there was nothing that would come of it but also felt myself wanting and liking the attention.  At times I still felt panicked, disgusted, embarrassed and guilty.   He decided he wouldn't go to dinner with us, which was an activity I was afraid of because there would be drinking and lowering of walls, so I felt safer.  But then I caught myself wanting him there.  I felt crazy!  I knew I would look good and knew he would comment on my appearance.  I wanted that.  I wanted him there to banter.   At dinner that night, one of the guys started talking about a woman he knows who wears 4 inch heals.  (FYI - I was the only woman... I was ALWAYS the only woman, even when the group was up to 20 people.) He said something to the affect of "Why would women wear heals like that?"  I said "Depends on if she's single."  It kind of just popped out of my mouth and that opened up an entire conversation about my dating life.  (I don't think of myself as witty or funny but I have been getting better at that and every now and then find people laughing at what I say.) The conversation was interesting.  It was fun (for a bit) to be the center of attention of all these men.  The only semi-inappropriate thing that was said.... I SAID!  I wished the other guy was there.  I thought it would have made it more lively.  I don't know what it is about him.  At the same moment I was glad he wasn't there too.  It might have gone a little too far.  In general I stayed in control of the situation.  I painted the picture I wanted for the group and then when the questions got too personal, I stopped it (it took two tries but I did).  I can't believe I was able to do that and not be traumatized!  It was great! Friday, the guy was back at work.  I walked into work Friday feeling different.  I felt confident, interesting and normal... maybe even cocky.   I caught myself behaving differently.  I don't think I ever thought he was terribly unattractive but I noticed (or changed my thoughts) that he is more attractive than not.  He's still too old and doesn't fit me well but I wanted to attract him.  I was taking my glasses off because I think I'm prettier without them. I was more aware of how I looked, careful not to slouch or put my hair up.  I had an urge to lean against him, as in sort of put my head on his chest. (which would have been TOTALLY inappropriate so I didn't but I was closer to him)  I wanted..... some kind of contact.  I wanted acceptance.  I think we were flirting. REALLY!  I could barely believe myself but it was FUN!  LOTS OF FUN! He would kind of push me over while were were walking down the hall. I would hit him back.  He would tease me.  I would give it back to him.  At one point, he asked me why I hadn't brought him coffee.  I playfully said, "I'm busy." The way my mom does with my step dad sometimes.  He said, "Well, get to it; two creams and two sugars; and look good doing it."  I said, "You got half that." I smiled.  He laughed and we continued on to the meeting.  Later, he got himself some coffee and I asked him where mine was.  He offered to get me some.  I said I was just joking but the point is he was paying attention.  I liked it. I'm still confused though and feel a lot of other things too... more negative things.  I am worried I behaved inappropriately.  Will I be seen as "girly" instead of professional?   Later in the day, I'm pretty sure I heard him talking to his girlfriend, fiancé or wife... although there was no ring.  It was even more confusing then. And a bit freed, knowing he had no intention with me. I don't think I was necessary attracted to him but something is waking up even more with the experience of flirting.  It's frightening though.  I caught myself fantasizing. Not just with him... maybe not at all with him but probably some. I don't know if it's him as much as me though.  It was like I remembered (without completely freaking out) how good flirting, relationships, men, and sensuality can feel.  It's exciting!  I want more of that.  I want to try.  I want to experience kissing, touching, hand holding.  There are parts of me that are REALLY sad that I don't have that.  Sometimes in a snuggly manner and sometimes in a sexual manner.   I'm a little freaked out but more just curious and excited but there ARE parts of me definitely freaked out.  Is there something wrong with the fact that this man is older, nothing like me and in general NOT FOR ME and yet, I feel like this.  Am I gross or sick?  Parts of me feel I am.  I'm conflicted. I'm working through a lot to parts, feelings, thoughts.  I feel like I need some help here.....  I'm going to attempt to dialogue more but I feel pretty blended at times... or maybe more like a tennis match, which I see as kind of the extreme version of blending. After all of that though, I had other thoughts.  I feel like his attention was pity or boredom or trying to be nice.  I feel like this kind of man (one who is completely wrong for me) is the only person who will pay attention.  I'm not pretty, good or interesting.  I must be skinny to get this kind of reaction from a "better" man. hhhhmmmm, I think my brain is done switching ... I'm exhausted!

Part Led Travel

I'm currently on a business trip that is NOT going well.  I wouldn't say "everything has gone wrong" but I WOULD say something has gone wrong in every part of my life. Travel in general leads to temptation with my eating disorder.  Travel for work is even worse.  I, almost immediately, felt the all to familiar pull to binging and purging as I sat alone in my hotel room. I unconsciously returned to food rules that I never even knew I had.  I started with obsessively drinking water. Then forced myself to go to the gym every day.  I then began compensating for snacks.  (You see, on these trips, the host company feeds us constantly!  Every time I would snack, no matter if I was hungry or not, I would force myself to remove something from my next meal.... I have "made it all up" and then some by the end of the day, though.) And I must must MUST eat less than the men I'm traveling with.  None of these thoughts are remotely consistent with all the work I have done to eat intuitively.  I feel like I've regressed.  I should know better!  I have parts that are telling me I'm doing very poorly at recovery! I did not REALLY WANT to go to the gym tonight.  I wanted to chill out in my hotel room, do some writing and get a good night sleep.  I couldn't give myself permission to do that.  I tried and all kinds of my parts "puffed up."  Some were scared. Some were mad.  Some were relieved (fewer).  Some were confused.  Some were sad.  Some were hurt.  So I went to the gym and am up WAY too late again (not to metion, I have to be up in less than 6 hours to get tomorrow's gym time in). I feel completely led by these parts right now.  I feel like the victim on a runaway train.  I am ENTIRELY unable to do what I want to do.  I feel the trap of the eating disorder closing in around me.  All I can do right now is pray that it does not go past normal eating / exercising (as of now the issue is in my head but not showing up on my plate to any degree of alarm) and that it will go away once I get back into my safe environment.

Sex and Attraction

I've been running from anything to do with sex for years. I was raped twice in college and never had a healthy outlook on sex growing up in the first place. Most of the time I waver between a general unawareness of anything sexual and lack of desire to absolute disgust and terror about anything remotely sexual in nature. I am sad and disappointed that I do not get the priviledge of any kind of sexual contact. I haven't been on a date in about 8 to 10 years. I mourn this loss. I'm in the most exciting part of my life. All my friends are dating, getting married and having babies. I want those things but I cannot get there. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't even get asked out and rarely get any attention from men. My parts have a multitude of thoughts and fears about this topic. Some are terrified of attention from men. Others are curious. Others condemn the system for not being more social and dating. Others long for human contact and any acceptance from a man. Why don't men even like me? I've recently found myself attracted to men again. It was an amazing discovery! It was one of the best moments I've ever experienced in a therapy setting. I thought that "part" of me was dead; never to resurface again. I figured I would go through life with NO labido and NO interest in men. I had been hiding from myself the fact that I AM attracted to a man. It is scary but okay. He's not going to hurt me. I bairly even talk to him anyway so nothing is going to happen. He's not my type and would not be a good fit for me. None the less, I found myself actually attracted to him. I can't even tell you what this means because I am very blocked off from these feelings. To me it feels more like a general curiousity about him, awareness when he's around and slight nervousness. That's really it, but it's more than I've had in a LONG TIME. Even more recently, there is a SECOND man who has perked my interests. I have no idea what to do about this man. He seems to be a better fit for me so it's even more frightening! Again, I bairly talk to him and have NO CLUE how to move things along. I'm confused. My parts are very triggered. This is uncharted terretory. I'm reminded of the common phrase that used to be placed on maps when the world was still undiscovered and believed to be flat. At the edge of the map the phase "Here There Be Monsters" would basically indicate the unknown... that's dating and men and relationships for me! I found myself sitting next to him today. I was attempting to flirt with him but feeling very awkward and embaressed. One of my parts told me, "Why bother?! He's not going to like you anyway. He's so out of your league! You are fat and weird." I believe her. :( HELP!

Overwhelmed

I find myself endlessly tired and constantly overwhelmed. I don't know how it's possible but I don't ever seem to get a break. I don't understand. I'm learning to say no to invitations and I'm growing better boundaries. It seems like no matter how hard I try to get calm, clear moments, they just slip away into the chaos. Anyone else feel like this? I feel like the only way to live without crazy stuff going on, is to be completely reclusive. Here's an example so you can have something tangible: I run a group for women with eating disorders. I stopped some of the other groups and such. I've just been focusing on being a good leader for this group. In the past two weeks, I've had to deal with some tough situations there. One member of the group's health care provider asked the member to sign a consent agreement so the provider could talk to me..... Let that sink in..... I'm no more than a volunteer who runs a 12 step group. What do I say to a health care provider? I know this provider so I'm not so much worried about this particular incident but what if it was a provider I don't know? Another group member is dong so poorly, she may not make it. I don't like holding on to such a terrible reality. Yet I definatly feel led to help people recovery from eating disorders. This is only one example but there are at least 10 more that have happened over the past two weeks like this. What does it mean? Why can't I get a break? Am I doing this to myself? I'm personally, dangerously close to a relapse and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone or do anything. My stress is OFF THE CHARTS. This long weekend may have helped a little but I'm getting very depressed and not sure how much I can hang on. I've reached 18 months without using my eating disorder. I am feeling the pull to be skinnier again and I don't really want to go back.

Pensive

I find myself in a pensive place this Sunday afternoon. I'm being optimistic in saying I'm pensive because I may very well be bordering on depressed. I've been laying around for two days and don't have much to show for it. I've been isolating and sleeping. I had high hopes for this weekend, as I do many weekends. My hopes feel deflated.

About 20 minutes ago I asked myself what I WANT to do and how I could feel better about my day and myself.

I heard that I need to get moving.

I just read a couple pages from a devotional I've been reading and felt like writing. Even though my physical state hasn't changed: I'm still in the same clothes I've been in for about 24 hours and I'm covered in cat hair and I'm a bit of a grease ball. I feel something shifting. I think that something is my mood. Maybe my Shutdown part is finally stepping aside to let Victoria out. That's what I feel but not what I want!

When Victoria takes over, I am left exhausted and stressed. I want a different part to take over. Self, ideally but I would settle for anyone different this time.

Any time I can catch an extreme shift in my parts like this one, it leaves me with lots to think about. When it's a slow but noticeable shift. There is a moment that I'm "nothing." It's oddly peaceful. Maybe this is an experience of Self. I find myself starting to feel hopeful.

I have the urge to go outside, go for a walk... but I have a meeting in an hour and a half and I feel like I have soooooooooooooooooo much to do. I stayed home from church today to "get things done." (What a lie to myself!) Now I'm stuck in catch up mode, as Victoria has finally realized we are slacking and have to make up for my down time. I feel slightly stuck and slightly sickened by her right now.

Is there anything that if I don't get done today, is going to hurt me tomorrow? Hhhmmmm, maybe laundry issues... as in I may not have clean underwear if I don't get some laundry done but other than that, the world is NOT DEPENDING ON MY GETTING THROUGH SOME HOUSE CHORES TODAY! SO BACK THE FUCK OF VICTORIA!

WOW, I didn't know I had that in me. I'm going to honor that part though. I do not want to spend my night stressed and rushed. I want to enjoy my life instead of rush it away in a haze of tasks. It will be a HUGE struggle to keep Victoria from stepping out. There are things I WANT to get done.... laundry being one of them that she is nagging me to do. There are also things I want to do that require other parts. I want to read, shower, write, go to my 12 step meeting, visit with a friend and get a good night sleep.

I can't seem to find middle ground because I feel the Shutdown seeping back in. It's as if I must do nothing or everything. I can't win! I feel stuck in place. God help me find balance!

Deep, Dark, Heavy => Strong

I've been working alot with the deep, dark, heavy parts that hold lots of painful memories. I had a very rough weekend and felt some pretty desperate / extreme parts take over. I know all of this work will make me stronger but I really just want to ... be there ALREADY! It's been a very long, very emotional month. I don't find any of this getting much easier yet. I'm told that it will get easier though. I believe the people that have "gone before me." Please, Lord, don't leave me in this time of struggle!

Depressed

I find myself deeply troubled tonight. I've been skirting on the edge of depression and have probably finally crossed over. I am very upset with my job situation and feel trapped. I feel that if I didn't work where I do I may not need so much therapy but to be able to pay for any of it I have to work where I do.

God, please get me out of this catch 22!

I have many more issues than my job but my job stress keeps blocking my progress. I wish I was independently wealthy. Is it bad to wish for a husband so I could quite working? I'm sure it is.

The thing that put me over the edge tonight was my friend's Facebook post. It is a woman I was in treatment with about six years ago. She got married this weekend. She's younger than me, prettier than me and skinnier than me. What hope do I have? I haven't even been on a date since treatment. I'm going to die an old cat lady! (crying) I love my cats but ..... Is this it?

I have all kind of parts popping up. Little parts, hopeless parts, critical parts, manager parts, mean parts, angry parts..... This is it. The big battle they all fight. Attachment and the pain that comes with it.

I wish I could do things over. But what would I do differently? I can't change the things that made me the way I am. It began before I could talk. I can't help that my mother had three husbands and that my father is crazy. I was dealt a shitty hand. Not the worst by any means but not the best. I've done what I can but I will never have the winning hand.

I don't feel like I will ever be truly satisfied. There is something wrong with me. Deep down I'm just not grateful enough or good enough or worthy enough. That must be what these parts are truly protecting. They aren't protecting some perfect Self that can take care of us all. They are protecting the weak, unloveable, evil me that doesn't deserve to live. And that's why I have no romantic interests and can't hang on to any friends. People are intuitive and they eventually see the real me, the me I can't even see. People leave me because they can't handle the real me. I am doomed to live this life alone and abandoned forever. So, really, why live it? I know I'm going to heaven. Can't I just skip this hell?