Enough

I'm truly drowning!  I can't pack anything else into my schedule and now a friend I haven't seen in years wants to stop by for the night.  I want to see her but I can't help wonder "why now!"  I've invited her multiple times before and now that she has a work trip here, she suddenly needs a place to crash!  NO!  But I said "maybe... if it's an emergency."  The problem is, I would like to see her.  I know this has "healthy boundaries exercise" written all over it.  I'm just so tired of saying no to things I WANT to do because I HAVE to say yes to things I DON'T want to do.  I just don't want to grow up! I do not feel in control of my life right now.  I don't enjoy things anymore.  Work, Family, Friends, Home, Cats, Me, Exercise, Food, Church, Vacation, Interviews ... it all seems like work!  Nothing is exciting.  I'm struggling with depression, for real.  I know it, I feel it and I just don't want to deal with it! It's too late right now and I still have a chapter to read for church with questions, clothes to pack for tomorrow and a testimony to write.... ha ha!  I'm going to bed! Screw it!  Oh, and I have to be at work early.  Something's gotta give or soon it's gunna be me! Enough!

Flirting and Parts

I had so much happen this week.  I went through a whole progression that I didn't quite know I had in me and am still trying to figure. Something happened with a man on a work trip was inappropriate.  He said something that insinuated a risqué sexual interaction between the two of us. I've suffered some trauma in this field so I freaked out.  I was torn by my parts, who all got activated immediately.   I had parts feeling ALL different kinds of things! Someone I trust mentioned that feelings of attraction are normal and natural. I wondered if all my parts were able to hear that statement.  I'm pretty sure they got the point.  At first I reacted mostly in fear, disgust and embarrassment.   I am still pretty confused.  I don't want to be with this man but I think there are parts of me that don't know that, don't care or don't know the difference.   I somehow went from feeling only bad things to something else.  I don't know what happened.  I suspect that I felt in control and my defenses were decreased.  I'm not entirely sure how that happened though.  Maybe it was the conversation with my parts.  I hope it was.  That would mean they are starting to trust me. Thursday, I was slightly mischievous.  I was "playful."  (I'm wondering if I was inappropriate... I hope I was professional.  I fear that everyone saw me and judged me.) I had fun.  The two of us sort of joked around.  He kind of made fun of me for a couple things.... I put my tennis shoes on and forgot my badge so he poked fun at me.  He was making fun of a couple guys in the plant with us too, but only so I could hear.  It was "our secret" sort of thing.  It was kind of like flirtation, I think but I don't understand....I knew there was nothing that would come of it but also felt myself wanting and liking the attention.  At times I still felt panicked, disgusted, embarrassed and guilty.   He decided he wouldn't go to dinner with us, which was an activity I was afraid of because there would be drinking and lowering of walls, so I felt safer.  But then I caught myself wanting him there.  I felt crazy!  I knew I would look good and knew he would comment on my appearance.  I wanted that.  I wanted him there to banter.   At dinner that night, one of the guys started talking about a woman he knows who wears 4 inch heals.  (FYI - I was the only woman... I was ALWAYS the only woman, even when the group was up to 20 people.) He said something to the affect of "Why would women wear heals like that?"  I said "Depends on if she's single."  It kind of just popped out of my mouth and that opened up an entire conversation about my dating life.  (I don't think of myself as witty or funny but I have been getting better at that and every now and then find people laughing at what I say.) The conversation was interesting.  It was fun (for a bit) to be the center of attention of all these men.  The only semi-inappropriate thing that was said.... I SAID!  I wished the other guy was there.  I thought it would have made it more lively.  I don't know what it is about him.  At the same moment I was glad he wasn't there too.  It might have gone a little too far.  In general I stayed in control of the situation.  I painted the picture I wanted for the group and then when the questions got too personal, I stopped it (it took two tries but I did).  I can't believe I was able to do that and not be traumatized!  It was great! Friday, the guy was back at work.  I walked into work Friday feeling different.  I felt confident, interesting and normal... maybe even cocky.   I caught myself behaving differently.  I don't think I ever thought he was terribly unattractive but I noticed (or changed my thoughts) that he is more attractive than not.  He's still too old and doesn't fit me well but I wanted to attract him.  I was taking my glasses off because I think I'm prettier without them. I was more aware of how I looked, careful not to slouch or put my hair up.  I had an urge to lean against him, as in sort of put my head on his chest. (which would have been TOTALLY inappropriate so I didn't but I was closer to him)  I wanted..... some kind of contact.  I wanted acceptance.  I think we were flirting. REALLY!  I could barely believe myself but it was FUN!  LOTS OF FUN! He would kind of push me over while were were walking down the hall. I would hit him back.  He would tease me.  I would give it back to him.  At one point, he asked me why I hadn't brought him coffee.  I playfully said, "I'm busy." The way my mom does with my step dad sometimes.  He said, "Well, get to it; two creams and two sugars; and look good doing it."  I said, "You got half that." I smiled.  He laughed and we continued on to the meeting.  Later, he got himself some coffee and I asked him where mine was.  He offered to get me some.  I said I was just joking but the point is he was paying attention.  I liked it. I'm still confused though and feel a lot of other things too... more negative things.  I am worried I behaved inappropriately.  Will I be seen as "girly" instead of professional?   Later in the day, I'm pretty sure I heard him talking to his girlfriend, fiancé or wife... although there was no ring.  It was even more confusing then. And a bit freed, knowing he had no intention with me. I don't think I was necessary attracted to him but something is waking up even more with the experience of flirting.  It's frightening though.  I caught myself fantasizing. Not just with him... maybe not at all with him but probably some. I don't know if it's him as much as me though.  It was like I remembered (without completely freaking out) how good flirting, relationships, men, and sensuality can feel.  It's exciting!  I want more of that.  I want to try.  I want to experience kissing, touching, hand holding.  There are parts of me that are REALLY sad that I don't have that.  Sometimes in a snuggly manner and sometimes in a sexual manner.   I'm a little freaked out but more just curious and excited but there ARE parts of me definitely freaked out.  Is there something wrong with the fact that this man is older, nothing like me and in general NOT FOR ME and yet, I feel like this.  Am I gross or sick?  Parts of me feel I am.  I'm conflicted. I'm working through a lot to parts, feelings, thoughts.  I feel like I need some help here.....  I'm going to attempt to dialogue more but I feel pretty blended at times... or maybe more like a tennis match, which I see as kind of the extreme version of blending. After all of that though, I had other thoughts.  I feel like his attention was pity or boredom or trying to be nice.  I feel like this kind of man (one who is completely wrong for me) is the only person who will pay attention.  I'm not pretty, good or interesting.  I must be skinny to get this kind of reaction from a "better" man. hhhhmmmm, I think my brain is done switching ... I'm exhausted!

Part Led Travel

I'm currently on a business trip that is NOT going well.  I wouldn't say "everything has gone wrong" but I WOULD say something has gone wrong in every part of my life. Travel in general leads to temptation with my eating disorder.  Travel for work is even worse.  I, almost immediately, felt the all to familiar pull to binging and purging as I sat alone in my hotel room. I unconsciously returned to food rules that I never even knew I had.  I started with obsessively drinking water. Then forced myself to go to the gym every day.  I then began compensating for snacks.  (You see, on these trips, the host company feeds us constantly!  Every time I would snack, no matter if I was hungry or not, I would force myself to remove something from my next meal.... I have "made it all up" and then some by the end of the day, though.) And I must must MUST eat less than the men I'm traveling with.  None of these thoughts are remotely consistent with all the work I have done to eat intuitively.  I feel like I've regressed.  I should know better!  I have parts that are telling me I'm doing very poorly at recovery! I did not REALLY WANT to go to the gym tonight.  I wanted to chill out in my hotel room, do some writing and get a good night sleep.  I couldn't give myself permission to do that.  I tried and all kinds of my parts "puffed up."  Some were scared. Some were mad.  Some were relieved (fewer).  Some were confused.  Some were sad.  Some were hurt.  So I went to the gym and am up WAY too late again (not to metion, I have to be up in less than 6 hours to get tomorrow's gym time in). I feel completely led by these parts right now.  I feel like the victim on a runaway train.  I am ENTIRELY unable to do what I want to do.  I feel the trap of the eating disorder closing in around me.  All I can do right now is pray that it does not go past normal eating / exercising (as of now the issue is in my head but not showing up on my plate to any degree of alarm) and that it will go away once I get back into my safe environment.