Confused

I found myself surfing the web tonight to see if laxatives REALLY DO make someone lose weight. I didn't go on the pro-ana/mia sites but it doesn't matter. I'm still having the urge to binge / purge / restrict dispite the warnings I read from medical sites.

I'm really VERY stressed out. I called my dad yesterday and he didn't asnwer the phone. I don't really like my dad but I know this is some kind of punishment. About two weeks ago he hung up on me because I didn't want to talk to him about something. He hasn't talked to me since. The guilt has set in. I'm also having to decide if I'm going to move to Ohio for a job. Most the the time, I don't want to go but parts of mine want the adventure and change of environment. I am beyond confused and no one is going to be able to help me with this.

I got the job offer and I've been crying off and on ever since. That just doesn't seem right! Then again, change is always hard but that doesn't mean it's bad. I'm so confused.

I'm also sort of at a pivotal time in my recovery. I'm sure I would backslide if I moved. I'm already starting (as stated above). Do I want that?

I'm afraid if I don't take this job (it's a great opportunity) that I might just die in my current job. I really hate my job and want to change industries. Do I take the risk that I will find something here or go for the sure thing that will mean EVERYTHING changes?

Driving Myself Crazy

I REALLY should not be allowed to drive! If I didn't have to get places beyond walking distance, I wouldn't drive. I fantasize about having my own chauffeur instead of things like owning a mansion or a beach home in Hawaii because I HATE to drive!

Once again this evening I found myself in the middle of "lost." I've lived in my same city for a total of about 14 years! I "blacked out" and when I "came to" I had no idea where I was! NONE! I just kept driving because I could tell I was not in a good part of town. I eventually found my way home but the drive that should have taken 10 minutes took 30 instead. That's not much lost time but it's still a little scary and VERY irritating.

The name of the street I turn on when I'm getting close to my home is two words long... the last word is HAVEN. I couldn't help but say the words "safe haven" to myself as I turned to enter my neighborhood.

Attachment / Relationship Addiction

One of the many issues I struggle with is abandonment which has lead to attachment disorders and relationship addiction.

I have found a pattern in my relationships. My relationship addiction does not come in the form of romantic relationships. I can string together my life by the people I "attach" to. I seem to hop from one mother-replacement figure to another. I've known this about myself for several years now but can't seem to change the behavior. I HATE THIS ABOUT MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!

I have spent much of the day angry at myself, no LIVID at myself because I have identified my next "mother / mentor figure." It's really very much out of my control. I don't seem to understand what I'm doing until it's done and my next "victim" is all I can think about. I feel like a vampire, sucking the life out of the people who are nice to me.

I want to stop doing this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

These aren't people that I have any real relationship with though... well, sometimes it is but that's only when I've done enough to get them to "take care of me." It's very codependent and manipulative and I CAN'T STAND IT! The realization that I have done it again has really got me depressed. I just want to die! I shouldn't be allowed to be around people. I want to kill myself. The world would be a better place without me. I feel so sorry for the people I put in this position. It's not fair to them.

I seem to attach to very similar people each time, too. One of the first people I remember was a Christian camp counselor. I had this intense conversation with her then kept calling her after the camp to try and hang out.... She was probably in her late 20's and I was only in 6th grade. The other women have been people like dance teachers, school teachers, my old sponsor, a couple therapists... the list goes on. It's pathetic, shameful and excruciating. These woman usually (but not always) have the same kind of characteristics. They are generally older than me, pretty, average size, smart, nurturing, helpful and many times have dark, curly hair. What does this all mean? Most importantly, how do I stop doing this?

The general pattern looks something like this:
-I'm sad or lonely and start a new program of some kind
-I find a woman who is kind enough to listen to my problems
-This woman is helpful and caring
-I want to be around her all the time
-I start thinking about her much of the day: harmless things like, what I want to tell her about a particular incident or wondering what she would think about something
-I start crossing into calling her or e-mailing her more than I know a normal relationship would at this particular point
-I start to read too much into her responses and feel hurt when she doesn't get back to me soon enough or give me the attention I want
-My expectations for her become far greater than any one person can take on
-This period may last as short as a couple weeks to as long as a couple years until eventually I am let down enough times that I get so angry that I end it or she realizes that I have become a "leach" and leaves me

This cycle is self perpetuating as it continues to create the strong sense of abandonment and loneliness thus spurring me toward someone else to "fill me up."

Lord, please make it stop!

Quick Update

In working with some trauma and working a lot at my real job, I've found little time or energy for much else.

I have been going to Celebrate Recovery regularly and I think that's helping.

Pandora (a part of mine) has been highly activated lately with the exposure of her secret. We are working it out together but it's not easy.