I took a big step today in getting my parts to work together. My most damaged part has decided she wants to heal and is ready to move forward. I went to a place that is very triggering and used some new tools of creating imaginary safe places and containing this part so she doesn't have to experience the trauma over and over again. (I know I'm being vague but it's not safe yet to even share in this anonymous way.)
It worked pretty well. My first try at being in this place without completely checking out and dissociating or hurting myself proved possible. There were a few moments when my system threatened to spin me out of control but I feel some hope that life might be possible, even for me with my new multiple personalities.
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Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
D.I.D.
I was shocked this past week when I had to undergo an evaluation with my therapist in order to address an insurance issue. My insurance company asked to review my case for medical necessity, which basically means they are trying to cut off coverage for therapy.
I've been through all kinds of emotions over this but I didn't expect the latest turn of events.
I've always said that I deal with a fairly normal level of multiplicity. I always believed I am segregated into parts but in a more normal way. After having to review the diagnosis with my therapist, I have come to believe I truly have Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.). I kind of always wondered since my parts seem to have totally different lives then me at times. Faced with the actual diagnosis on paper and being shared with other people is an entirely different story.
I'm not worried about the work I do with my therapist. I trust her and do not believe that will change. She was actually very reluctant to do this evaluation but I asked her in order to try to get further insurance coverage. I feel very alone though now. I don't guess it's a common diagnosis and fear that people will think I'm crazy. My therapist gave me the choice to not include it in the report, which was kind of her but if it's true then why wouldn't it go into the report. She also diagnosed me with a couple other things. The only one that shocked me was Borderline Personality Disorder. I can't imagine actually telling people I have this. I really feel crazy.
To make it even worse, many of my parts are very activated. They seem to be in some sort of uproar. Sure, I have lots of other stuff going on recently too but it's just not a good time. On one hand its kind of nice to have a name for my issues but I feel like a freak. I'm sorry if anyone reading this also has these issues. I am sure I would never even think this way if someone else told me the same thing. It's hard to look in the mirror at myself without feeling like I've changed in some sort of way. I know I'm the same person but I feel ... Shame. Has anyone else deal with this?
The final straw broke me when I realized my therapist isn't the only one who sees me this way. I went to a psychiatrist recently for some general anxiety issues as well as to see if she could help with the insurance issues. Without hardly any information from me and NONE from my therapist, the psychiatrist gave me the same basic diagnoses. How could that be? I don't even talk to her about parts. I hardly ever see her. It's actually been over two years since I've seen her and she ALSO thinks I'm crazy!
I'm very conflicted and worried about what this could mean. I always wanted to feel special and different but not in this way. I feel slightly lost and can't tell anyone. Actually I've tried to tell people but my support network seems to be all dealing with their own crises. Why don't I matter enough?
Hurting,
Us
I've been through all kinds of emotions over this but I didn't expect the latest turn of events.
I've always said that I deal with a fairly normal level of multiplicity. I always believed I am segregated into parts but in a more normal way. After having to review the diagnosis with my therapist, I have come to believe I truly have Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.). I kind of always wondered since my parts seem to have totally different lives then me at times. Faced with the actual diagnosis on paper and being shared with other people is an entirely different story.
I'm not worried about the work I do with my therapist. I trust her and do not believe that will change. She was actually very reluctant to do this evaluation but I asked her in order to try to get further insurance coverage. I feel very alone though now. I don't guess it's a common diagnosis and fear that people will think I'm crazy. My therapist gave me the choice to not include it in the report, which was kind of her but if it's true then why wouldn't it go into the report. She also diagnosed me with a couple other things. The only one that shocked me was Borderline Personality Disorder. I can't imagine actually telling people I have this. I really feel crazy.
To make it even worse, many of my parts are very activated. They seem to be in some sort of uproar. Sure, I have lots of other stuff going on recently too but it's just not a good time. On one hand its kind of nice to have a name for my issues but I feel like a freak. I'm sorry if anyone reading this also has these issues. I am sure I would never even think this way if someone else told me the same thing. It's hard to look in the mirror at myself without feeling like I've changed in some sort of way. I know I'm the same person but I feel ... Shame. Has anyone else deal with this?
The final straw broke me when I realized my therapist isn't the only one who sees me this way. I went to a psychiatrist recently for some general anxiety issues as well as to see if she could help with the insurance issues. Without hardly any information from me and NONE from my therapist, the psychiatrist gave me the same basic diagnoses. How could that be? I don't even talk to her about parts. I hardly ever see her. It's actually been over two years since I've seen her and she ALSO thinks I'm crazy!
I'm very conflicted and worried about what this could mean. I always wanted to feel special and different but not in this way. I feel slightly lost and can't tell anyone. Actually I've tried to tell people but my support network seems to be all dealing with their own crises. Why don't I matter enough?
Hurting,
Us
Monday, December 5, 2011
Chaos
There has been considerable chaos in my system lately. I am growing more and more each day but I feel like there are so many things against me in this world. Not in a paranoid manner just a " life must go on" kind of way. At times it gets very disappointing and I find myself desperate and even entertaining suicidal thoughts briefly as I feel hopeless.
I have made some breakthroughs recently with my therapist but everything seems to be going so much slower. Im getting very frustrated. I find many of my parts are activated from everything going on. I have a bunch of external as well and internal issues arising, resulting in this chaos. Does anyone else get frustrated at the speed of your therapeutic progress?
I cant help but feel a bit desperate or reactive at this time. Maybe it's a Christmas thing too. There is always so much going on this time of year. I wish we could spread christmas out over the entire year or at least several months so it's not such a big ordeal!
I went to this group this past week that was very triggering on many levels for many parts. I can't seem to shake the effects of this therapy group, specifically the therapist. She, like so many other people in my life, crossed my boundaries and I felt helpless to change anything. I couldn't stop her. I'm angry at her but I just end up taking it out on myself or my friends. I want to yell and scream at her but I feel like I was the one that was wrong. Why do I internalize all of this sooooooooo much? I get upset and angry that I'm upset and angry!
How crazy is that!?! And the even crazier part is that I still want to go back! Is this masochism? Is it just what I'm used to? There WAS good that came out of the group too. Maybe I want to return for the good parts. I hope so.
I need to learn some better boundary lines if I go back though. I dont want to spend another week sad, anxious and irittable over it. So many of my parts were triggered that I still haven't been able to dialogue about it. All my parts are just screaming like a giant chorus of deamons. ... Not that my parts are evil but it's just this loud terrible sound of everyone trying to get heard.... Maybe a better analogy is like what you would hear as you want into a cafeteria or food court.... A loud mess of noise but no distinguishable words!
I have made some breakthroughs recently with my therapist but everything seems to be going so much slower. Im getting very frustrated. I find many of my parts are activated from everything going on. I have a bunch of external as well and internal issues arising, resulting in this chaos. Does anyone else get frustrated at the speed of your therapeutic progress?
I cant help but feel a bit desperate or reactive at this time. Maybe it's a Christmas thing too. There is always so much going on this time of year. I wish we could spread christmas out over the entire year or at least several months so it's not such a big ordeal!
I went to this group this past week that was very triggering on many levels for many parts. I can't seem to shake the effects of this therapy group, specifically the therapist. She, like so many other people in my life, crossed my boundaries and I felt helpless to change anything. I couldn't stop her. I'm angry at her but I just end up taking it out on myself or my friends. I want to yell and scream at her but I feel like I was the one that was wrong. Why do I internalize all of this sooooooooo much? I get upset and angry that I'm upset and angry!
How crazy is that!?! And the even crazier part is that I still want to go back! Is this masochism? Is it just what I'm used to? There WAS good that came out of the group too. Maybe I want to return for the good parts. I hope so.
I need to learn some better boundary lines if I go back though. I dont want to spend another week sad, anxious and irittable over it. So many of my parts were triggered that I still haven't been able to dialogue about it. All my parts are just screaming like a giant chorus of deamons. ... Not that my parts are evil but it's just this loud terrible sound of everyone trying to get heard.... Maybe a better analogy is like what you would hear as you want into a cafeteria or food court.... A loud mess of noise but no distinguishable words!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Headaches
I've always had headaches. I am told I started getting them around the age of five. They have progressed to full blown migraines. I have been to numerous doctors, who have not found anything really WRONG with me.
I think my parts have something to do with it. When my parts are more activated, as a system, I get more headaches. I think having many different "people" and trains of thought in my head tax my brain. I know all the biology about how headaches are caused by increased blood flow to the brain and everything from food, to sleep, to posture, to stress can affect headaches. I get all that but I think having multiple conflicting arguments with people of all ages in my head MUST contribute!
I currently have a headache.... I've started the process of REALLY dealing with some deep issues in therapy. It's alerted the entire system and now the headaches are worse. I think the headache may be an alert that the system is in stress and needs some kind of help. I'm just so tired, scared and lonely. It's hard to take the time I need to process everything. It's easier to just forget about it but I can't forget a headache, especially when it's so bad it seems my teeth and hair actually hurt. I know I need to let the hurt parts talk, listen to the exiles and address what's going on but tonight, I just can't do any more. I've dropped into The Reporter part. I don't like that part very much today but I guess it means the system isn't ready to feel everything yet.
And that makes sense... it is 11:34pm and I have to be up by 6am. We really DO need to go to sleep. Until later...
I think my parts have something to do with it. When my parts are more activated, as a system, I get more headaches. I think having many different "people" and trains of thought in my head tax my brain. I know all the biology about how headaches are caused by increased blood flow to the brain and everything from food, to sleep, to posture, to stress can affect headaches. I get all that but I think having multiple conflicting arguments with people of all ages in my head MUST contribute!
I currently have a headache.... I've started the process of REALLY dealing with some deep issues in therapy. It's alerted the entire system and now the headaches are worse. I think the headache may be an alert that the system is in stress and needs some kind of help. I'm just so tired, scared and lonely. It's hard to take the time I need to process everything. It's easier to just forget about it but I can't forget a headache, especially when it's so bad it seems my teeth and hair actually hurt. I know I need to let the hurt parts talk, listen to the exiles and address what's going on but tonight, I just can't do any more. I've dropped into The Reporter part. I don't like that part very much today but I guess it means the system isn't ready to feel everything yet.
And that makes sense... it is 11:34pm and I have to be up by 6am. We really DO need to go to sleep. Until later...
Sunday, June 5, 2011
“I had more friends when I hated myself!”
I proclaimed the statement above during an exasperated, confused, rejected moment of my last week. I’ve come a long way on my road to recovery from an eating disorder but now I’m fighting a new demon. My current burdens are related to relationships.
I have a theory (as I usually do) about my current struggles. When I was stuck in my eating disorder, that is all I knew, all I cared for, all I focused on. People were an afterthought. I struggled with relationships while in my eating disorder as well, but I let nothing stand in the way of ED and I. My relationship with ED was the only one I allotted any effort. I was the perfect Juliet, ready to kill myself in order to be with my Romeo (ED).
My eating disorder is now gone and I’m left to face real people. I never learned how to have true adult relationships. My eating disorder started at a young age (sometimes I think as early as two years old). By the time I was 18 it was in full swing; threatening to take my life. My relationship with ED was NOT a healthy, adult relationship. It was dripping with neglect, distain, malice, manipulation and fear.
Now, when faced with the ups, downs, conflict and compromise of real relationships I am at a loss! I’m 29 years old and don’t know how to navigate a safe, balanced friendship. Romantic relationships aren’t even “on the menu.” I learned from an early age to depend on one thing and one thing only! ED was ALL that mattered. ED gave me everything and took everything away. ED was my God. When I banished ED from my life I needed to find a way to fill the hole left behind.
At first, I filled it with activities. Staying busy helped for awhile but in the end left me burnt out and just as empty. I began filling the void with people. People are fun and caring. Relationships are an important part of life. It seemed to work until I found myself in a cycle of disappointment and abandonment, losing one friend after another. I was depending on them too much. I expected my friends to be my everything. The problem with making someone my savior is that people are intrinsically flawed. People will NEVER fill me up.
I am thrilled to be where I am today in recovery from my eating disorder. I have freedom from food, weight and obsessive exercise. I no longer look towards binging, purging or starving to make me feel worthy. I truly love myself. My struggles today are with feelings of loneliness. I believe complete recovery is a journey through many stages of growth. This must be my next phase. I accept the challenge. I look forward to the day I can reflect and say, “I used to struggle with having normal relationships but today I am secure and enjoy healthy relationships with friends, family and myself.” Until that day, I focus on staying present in the moment and learning more about my path to complete recovery.
I proclaimed the statement above during an exasperated, confused, rejected moment of my last week. I’ve come a long way on my road to recovery from an eating disorder but now I’m fighting a new demon. My current burdens are related to relationships.
I have a theory (as I usually do) about my current struggles. When I was stuck in my eating disorder, that is all I knew, all I cared for, all I focused on. People were an afterthought. I struggled with relationships while in my eating disorder as well, but I let nothing stand in the way of ED and I. My relationship with ED was the only one I allotted any effort. I was the perfect Juliet, ready to kill myself in order to be with my Romeo (ED).
My eating disorder is now gone and I’m left to face real people. I never learned how to have true adult relationships. My eating disorder started at a young age (sometimes I think as early as two years old). By the time I was 18 it was in full swing; threatening to take my life. My relationship with ED was NOT a healthy, adult relationship. It was dripping with neglect, distain, malice, manipulation and fear.
Now, when faced with the ups, downs, conflict and compromise of real relationships I am at a loss! I’m 29 years old and don’t know how to navigate a safe, balanced friendship. Romantic relationships aren’t even “on the menu.” I learned from an early age to depend on one thing and one thing only! ED was ALL that mattered. ED gave me everything and took everything away. ED was my God. When I banished ED from my life I needed to find a way to fill the hole left behind.
At first, I filled it with activities. Staying busy helped for awhile but in the end left me burnt out and just as empty. I began filling the void with people. People are fun and caring. Relationships are an important part of life. It seemed to work until I found myself in a cycle of disappointment and abandonment, losing one friend after another. I was depending on them too much. I expected my friends to be my everything. The problem with making someone my savior is that people are intrinsically flawed. People will NEVER fill me up.
I am thrilled to be where I am today in recovery from my eating disorder. I have freedom from food, weight and obsessive exercise. I no longer look towards binging, purging or starving to make me feel worthy. I truly love myself. My struggles today are with feelings of loneliness. I believe complete recovery is a journey through many stages of growth. This must be my next phase. I accept the challenge. I look forward to the day I can reflect and say, “I used to struggle with having normal relationships but today I am secure and enjoy healthy relationships with friends, family and myself.” Until that day, I focus on staying present in the moment and learning more about my path to complete recovery.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Exiles
I've made some good progress lately with my parts. We all want to move faster though. We are anxious to unburden Pandora. She seems to be the forefront of almost every issue that comes up lately. I don't know how to proceed though and my therapist doesn't really know IFS.
In the meantime, I'm still learning more about my system. I'm getting to know my exiles better. I found a new part this past week. It's an exile; one of my Little Ones. They've all been sort of one chorus of voices for the longest time. They were too scared to separate. As I've been working through some of my harder past issues and making big steps to care for myself maybe they are feeling safer.
I can't help but be scared of them. It's a strange cycle. They are scared of me for locking them away so they all joined together to keep from being identifiable. I'm scared of them so I lock them away. Now I'm trying to break the cycle and it's hard when it's embedded in mistrust and abandon.
My abandonment issues have been front and center in the past few days. A friend (very good friend) of mine is in the hospital and very very sick. She's cut me out of that part of her life. I don't understand it. I'm trying to remember that it's not about me and she may just need different things than I do when I'm sick. Then I had a dream about my old therapist. She was such a problem for me and every now and then something happens to force all that pain back into my life.
I know its all connected. I know God's going to take care of all of this but I can't help but be sad, lonely and anxious at times.
In the meantime, I'm still learning more about my system. I'm getting to know my exiles better. I found a new part this past week. It's an exile; one of my Little Ones. They've all been sort of one chorus of voices for the longest time. They were too scared to separate. As I've been working through some of my harder past issues and making big steps to care for myself maybe they are feeling safer.
I can't help but be scared of them. It's a strange cycle. They are scared of me for locking them away so they all joined together to keep from being identifiable. I'm scared of them so I lock them away. Now I'm trying to break the cycle and it's hard when it's embedded in mistrust and abandon.
My abandonment issues have been front and center in the past few days. A friend (very good friend) of mine is in the hospital and very very sick. She's cut me out of that part of her life. I don't understand it. I'm trying to remember that it's not about me and she may just need different things than I do when I'm sick. Then I had a dream about my old therapist. She was such a problem for me and every now and then something happens to force all that pain back into my life.
I know its all connected. I know God's going to take care of all of this but I can't help but be sad, lonely and anxious at times.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Birthday
I regret I have not posted to my blog in some time. I apologize to anyone who was reading it.
Yesterday was my birthday and I took today off of work. Many people think this was to "play" but it's been a really hard day.
My anxiety level has been through the roof as one appointment led to the next. First was a visit to the Women's Doctor, something I've literally been avoiding for at least 5 years due to my previous sexual assault. (The appointment wasn't great but I avoided the physical exam for another week so at least I didn't have to deal with that.) Then I did a food experiential with my nutritionist, which is stressful in itself but I had to go to a restaurant that I've never been. I was running late and got lost trying to get there. Then I had an appointment with my therapist, that I was sort of looking forward to because I had lots I needed to talk about but I got derailed. I ran into a close family friend at the office and found out she's seeing MY THERAPIST! I don't like that. I don't want anyone I know to see my therapist. SHE'S MINE! It is this really weird, stressful dynamic. I don't want to hear about my therapist from someone else. I don't want to hear how she's different or has different rules for one person over me.
Now, I still feel sick to my stomach and have a headache from all the stress but I feel like my Birthday weekend is running out and I should be having FUN! I have to go to my terrible job tomorrow and I don't want to! All I want to do is sleep away this pain (physical and emotional) but then I will also sleep away my day!
My little parts (Rapunzel in particular) wants to watch the movie Tangled but I feel silly for that. I also worry it will make the headache worse. Then Victoria feels like we haven't accomplished enough this weekend (which is a lie) so wants me to get up and clean the house (which really DOES need it). Where is my sense of balance? Why can't I just understand what I want to do? I've been like this with food lately too. I have no idea what I want to eat at any given time.
I feel pretty messy right now. I want someone to tell me what to do or take care of me or at least tell me I'm okay!
Yesterday was my birthday and I took today off of work. Many people think this was to "play" but it's been a really hard day.
My anxiety level has been through the roof as one appointment led to the next. First was a visit to the Women's Doctor, something I've literally been avoiding for at least 5 years due to my previous sexual assault. (The appointment wasn't great but I avoided the physical exam for another week so at least I didn't have to deal with that.) Then I did a food experiential with my nutritionist, which is stressful in itself but I had to go to a restaurant that I've never been. I was running late and got lost trying to get there. Then I had an appointment with my therapist, that I was sort of looking forward to because I had lots I needed to talk about but I got derailed. I ran into a close family friend at the office and found out she's seeing MY THERAPIST! I don't like that. I don't want anyone I know to see my therapist. SHE'S MINE! It is this really weird, stressful dynamic. I don't want to hear about my therapist from someone else. I don't want to hear how she's different or has different rules for one person over me.
Now, I still feel sick to my stomach and have a headache from all the stress but I feel like my Birthday weekend is running out and I should be having FUN! I have to go to my terrible job tomorrow and I don't want to! All I want to do is sleep away this pain (physical and emotional) but then I will also sleep away my day!
My little parts (Rapunzel in particular) wants to watch the movie Tangled but I feel silly for that. I also worry it will make the headache worse. Then Victoria feels like we haven't accomplished enough this weekend (which is a lie) so wants me to get up and clean the house (which really DOES need it). Where is my sense of balance? Why can't I just understand what I want to do? I've been like this with food lately too. I have no idea what I want to eat at any given time.
I feel pretty messy right now. I want someone to tell me what to do or take care of me or at least tell me I'm okay!
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