Sex and Attraction

I've been running from anything to do with sex for years. I was raped twice in college and never had a healthy outlook on sex growing up in the first place. Most of the time I waver between a general unawareness of anything sexual and lack of desire to absolute disgust and terror about anything remotely sexual in nature. I am sad and disappointed that I do not get the priviledge of any kind of sexual contact. I haven't been on a date in about 8 to 10 years. I mourn this loss. I'm in the most exciting part of my life. All my friends are dating, getting married and having babies. I want those things but I cannot get there. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't even get asked out and rarely get any attention from men. My parts have a multitude of thoughts and fears about this topic. Some are terrified of attention from men. Others are curious. Others condemn the system for not being more social and dating. Others long for human contact and any acceptance from a man. Why don't men even like me? I've recently found myself attracted to men again. It was an amazing discovery! It was one of the best moments I've ever experienced in a therapy setting. I thought that "part" of me was dead; never to resurface again. I figured I would go through life with NO labido and NO interest in men. I had been hiding from myself the fact that I AM attracted to a man. It is scary but okay. He's not going to hurt me. I bairly even talk to him anyway so nothing is going to happen. He's not my type and would not be a good fit for me. None the less, I found myself actually attracted to him. I can't even tell you what this means because I am very blocked off from these feelings. To me it feels more like a general curiousity about him, awareness when he's around and slight nervousness. That's really it, but it's more than I've had in a LONG TIME. Even more recently, there is a SECOND man who has perked my interests. I have no idea what to do about this man. He seems to be a better fit for me so it's even more frightening! Again, I bairly talk to him and have NO CLUE how to move things along. I'm confused. My parts are very triggered. This is uncharted terretory. I'm reminded of the common phrase that used to be placed on maps when the world was still undiscovered and believed to be flat. At the edge of the map the phase "Here There Be Monsters" would basically indicate the unknown... that's dating and men and relationships for me! I found myself sitting next to him today. I was attempting to flirt with him but feeling very awkward and embaressed. One of my parts told me, "Why bother?! He's not going to like you anyway. He's so out of your league! You are fat and weird." I believe her. :( HELP!

Overwhelmed

I find myself endlessly tired and constantly overwhelmed. I don't know how it's possible but I don't ever seem to get a break. I don't understand. I'm learning to say no to invitations and I'm growing better boundaries. It seems like no matter how hard I try to get calm, clear moments, they just slip away into the chaos. Anyone else feel like this? I feel like the only way to live without crazy stuff going on, is to be completely reclusive. Here's an example so you can have something tangible: I run a group for women with eating disorders. I stopped some of the other groups and such. I've just been focusing on being a good leader for this group. In the past two weeks, I've had to deal with some tough situations there. One member of the group's health care provider asked the member to sign a consent agreement so the provider could talk to me..... Let that sink in..... I'm no more than a volunteer who runs a 12 step group. What do I say to a health care provider? I know this provider so I'm not so much worried about this particular incident but what if it was a provider I don't know? Another group member is dong so poorly, she may not make it. I don't like holding on to such a terrible reality. Yet I definatly feel led to help people recovery from eating disorders. This is only one example but there are at least 10 more that have happened over the past two weeks like this. What does it mean? Why can't I get a break? Am I doing this to myself? I'm personally, dangerously close to a relapse and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone or do anything. My stress is OFF THE CHARTS. This long weekend may have helped a little but I'm getting very depressed and not sure how much I can hang on. I've reached 18 months without using my eating disorder. I am feeling the pull to be skinnier again and I don't really want to go back.