Life Sucks

Eating disorders suck and so does my life! I want to be skinny and pretty and happy and sucessful but I am NONE OF THOSE THINGS! I'm alone, fat and a failure. My own therapist lies to me! Why would she do that? The only legitimate reason I can think of, is because I'm a pain in the ass. I'm not important to anyone. I'm difficult. I'm a leech. I'm someone people "put up with." How did I get to be such an ass hole? Why can't I change? I'm always in some kind of pain or dealing with some kind of trauma. I really don't deserve to live, nor do I want to anymore. I can't even have a successful eating disorder. I went about a week and a half restricting about 50% of my food and I didn't lose any weight. I couldn't do it anymore. I've eaten soooooooo much food today! I truly hate myself. I'm a fighter and a survivor but I just don't care anymore. The people that are closest to me have betrayed me. I don't like anything in my life.