Pensive

I find myself in a pensive place this Sunday afternoon. I'm being optimistic in saying I'm pensive because I may very well be bordering on depressed. I've been laying around for two days and don't have much to show for it. I've been isolating and sleeping. I had high hopes for this weekend, as I do many weekends. My hopes feel deflated.

About 20 minutes ago I asked myself what I WANT to do and how I could feel better about my day and myself.

I heard that I need to get moving.

I just read a couple pages from a devotional I've been reading and felt like writing. Even though my physical state hasn't changed: I'm still in the same clothes I've been in for about 24 hours and I'm covered in cat hair and I'm a bit of a grease ball. I feel something shifting. I think that something is my mood. Maybe my Shutdown part is finally stepping aside to let Victoria out. That's what I feel but not what I want!

When Victoria takes over, I am left exhausted and stressed. I want a different part to take over. Self, ideally but I would settle for anyone different this time.

Any time I can catch an extreme shift in my parts like this one, it leaves me with lots to think about. When it's a slow but noticeable shift. There is a moment that I'm "nothing." It's oddly peaceful. Maybe this is an experience of Self. I find myself starting to feel hopeful.

I have the urge to go outside, go for a walk... but I have a meeting in an hour and a half and I feel like I have soooooooooooooooooo much to do. I stayed home from church today to "get things done." (What a lie to myself!) Now I'm stuck in catch up mode, as Victoria has finally realized we are slacking and have to make up for my down time. I feel slightly stuck and slightly sickened by her right now.

Is there anything that if I don't get done today, is going to hurt me tomorrow? Hhhmmmm, maybe laundry issues... as in I may not have clean underwear if I don't get some laundry done but other than that, the world is NOT DEPENDING ON MY GETTING THROUGH SOME HOUSE CHORES TODAY! SO BACK THE FUCK OF VICTORIA!

WOW, I didn't know I had that in me. I'm going to honor that part though. I do not want to spend my night stressed and rushed. I want to enjoy my life instead of rush it away in a haze of tasks. It will be a HUGE struggle to keep Victoria from stepping out. There are things I WANT to get done.... laundry being one of them that she is nagging me to do. There are also things I want to do that require other parts. I want to read, shower, write, go to my 12 step meeting, visit with a friend and get a good night sleep.

I can't seem to find middle ground because I feel the Shutdown seeping back in. It's as if I must do nothing or everything. I can't win! I feel stuck in place. God help me find balance!