Attached and Hurting "Reprise"

There are three songs that HIT me after I posted my last post. They are:

Wishing You Were Somehow Hear Again

You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father
Then my world was shattered

Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed
Somehow you would be here

Wishing I could hear your voice again
Knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed I could

Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental
Seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle

Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?

Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try

No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say goodbye
Help me say goodbye


Hurt

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, Oooh..

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you
But I know you won't be there

OOh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, by hurting you.

Somedays I feel broke inside but I will not admit
Sometimes I just want to hide, cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this
Oooh, Yeah..

Would you tell me I was wrong?
[ Lyrics found on [Link](Mouse over link to see full location) ]

Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

OOh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, Oooh..

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much
That I've missed you since
You've been away.
Oooh, It's dangerous
so out of line...
to try and turn back time...

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself..

By hurting you...

You Raise Me Up

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary,
When troubles come and my heart burdened be.
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.
CHORUS:
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up.. to more than I can be.
REPEAT CHORUS
There is no life - no life without it's hunger
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly
But when you come and I am filled with wonder
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
And I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up .. to more than I can be
You raise me up .. to more than I can be

Attached and Hurting

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to think about two of my old therapists without crying. I even start to think about my current therapist and want to cry for the day I will have to say goodbye. I fear that’s going to be soon as I might be taking a pay cut.

My attachment issues are very deep seated. I can’t believe how upset I am today and since Friday over two of my old therapists. I will call them Beth-Anne and Dawn.

Beth-Anne, I saw for about 3 years from 2003 to 2006. I saw her from the time I returned to school after a medical withdraw to the time I went into residential treatment and then about 6 months after treatment. It was a very hard time for me. I looked forward to my time with Beth-Anne.

She had a way of portraying to me that I’m not crazy. She’s also the only person I’ve ever met (and very well may be the only person I will ever meet) who REALLY understood my family situation. :’( I am sooooooooooo sad not to have her in my life. She’s such a great person: funny, insightful, silly, loving, confident.

When I had to stop seeing her professionally I tried to be friends with her. We e-mail several times and went to a play together. Then she e-mailed me one day that she couldn’t spend any more time with me because of ethical reasons. I felt so betrayed, alone and heart-broken. Why did it affect me so much? It’s 4 years later and I am still heart-broken. I don’t feel like anyone could understand this pain. When I tell people, they look at me as if I’m crazy.

About a year ago, I severed all contact with her. I decided it wasn’t emotionally safe to e-mail her every now and then or see her on facebook. I wrote her an e-mail explaining several things and wishing her well. I hoped this would give me some closure. Friday, I saw someone who looked like she could be Beth-Anne’s sister. I’m in a group with her so I have to see her often. Looking at this woman hurts. And days later, it still hurts.

Dawn, I saw for about 2 or 3 years (approximately 2007 to 2009). I decided that I wanted to see her almost a year before I started seeing her. From the first few minutes I talked to her over the phone, I knew she was the therapist God sent me to get better.

She was like my Angel and even looked like an Angel. She had a soft voice, friendly sky blue eyes, flowing blond hair and a very nurturing demeanor. She was very expensive for me so I had to wait until I got a better job. I saw her from about a year after I moved back to Orlando with my parents after another suicide gesture and a medical leave from work, to the point where I enrolled in her Intensive Outpatient Program.

When I finished a month in IOP, she and I had a disagreement about finances and I decided not to see her anymore. I was furious by her accusing me of trying to take advantage of her and the fact that she had never worked with me over finances. I was so confused by why God would take her away from me but I had spent all my money on this IOP and couldn’t pay my bills. It did not end well.

About a month after I stopped seeing her, I asked to start seeing her again. She agreed but when we went to schedule appointments she couldn’t fit me into her schedule. I was making all kinds of sacrifices (financially and time-wise) but I just wasn’t important enough to her.

I’m still dealing with the insurance company on a claim for the IOP program and I have to mail her something today. I looked up her address on her website. Her picture was posted and her blue eyes were piercing. I don’t think I want to see her anymore because we had a sort of “love / hate” relationship and she’s very strict about time and money. My feelings toward her were always very intense and much of the time I would be angry over some challenge or ultimatum she was giving me. I just can’t shake her from my thoughts. I wish I had never met her. Then I wish all I could do is see her again. My heart longs for her... or what she gave me but I don't even know what that was.

I’m guessing I got slightly enmeshed or codependent or something with both of them. These two examples are the strongest examples I have of my attachment disorder. It’s years later and the pain has not subsided. Why not? How do I hold on to these pains? Will they ever go away?

Skills of Perception

I enjoy the sci fi show called Doctor Who. I am watching an episode right now that involves Vincent Van Gogh. At the end of the show the two main characters and Vincent are staring up at the sky. Vincent starts to describe the sky as he sees it. He's describing Starry Night. In the TV picture, the actual sky turns into the painting, Starry Night.

I'm told by my current therapist that I have some extra-ordinary skills of perception. I have an excellent sense of smell. I can hear more than most people (to the point that I can identify a person by the sound of their walk). I am also extra sensitive. I get migraines and suffer from mental health issues. I'm told these two things are characteristic of people who have a "sensitive brain." I believe all these things but sometimes I wonder why I have these "extra skills." What makes me so special? I don't understand this negative sceptisism.... It's got the same tone as the part that keeps me stuck in my eating disorder. It's the part that repeats things like "How dare you think life could be good? You're no princess. You'll work hard and get nothing out of life, just like the rest of us. The sooner you stop putting on aires the sooner you will be able to do something useful in your life."

At times it's nice to have these extra perceptive skills. I haven't found the great contribution they make in my life, but I am thankful most of the time. It's nice to be able to read people, sort of tell what they are thinking. There are many times that I wish I didn't have them though. They lead to things like migraines and severe emotional states.

I learned that many good artists have these kind of skills. Hence, the Vincent Van Gogh reference in the beginning of this post. He had extra-ordinary skills of perception but where did it get him... suicide at 37. He never got to see the extent of his fame. I would like to be a good artist but then I hear things like that one part says and decide to stick to something more practical even if it's depressing.

Need a Hug!

I think I need a hug but I don't have anyone to give it to me. I can hug my kitties but it's just not the same. I called a friend but she was busy.

I am in a bit of a funk. I think this funk has been hanging around for several days. I decided that I wanted to do nothing but rest, relax and have fun this weekend to try to recuperate a bit. Now it's Sunday and the start of the work week is closing in fast. I have so many thoughts, interests, conflicts, desires, lists of things to do that I'm dizzy.

I decided to visit my family (mother and step father) after church to be a "good" daughter... bad choice! I did have a couple things to drop off to my mom and she made me lunch but my step father was in "a mood." It wasn't terrible but I could tell he is headed toward a blow up. I got out as fast as I could. Why does he have to be so difficult?

Little Part: I don't understand him at all. I don't like him.

Now all I want to do is binge. I ate a cookie when I got home and hoped I could stop there. If I can't find some sort of comfort I fear this day will end up in an episode....

What do I do though? My therapist and a couple other people I've worked with would say something about just sitting with the feelings or feeling the pain. I feel the pain but why would anyone choose to stay in it?! That seems masochistic! I don't want to binge and purge but I don't want to be sad, disappointed, hurt, abandoned and neglected either! What's my other option?

How does a single woman, who lives alone feel loved? I've got no one to support me right now. I should be able to "Fully Rely On God" but does God give out hugs and rocks me to sleep, while singing and hubing my head? No, God gives reasons why I can't have those things. God gives lessons and opportunities for growth. He disciplines and instructs and guides. Where's the god who loves and is always there for me? Where is the god of the poem, "Footsteps?"

Lonely

I'm really lonely and I feel hopeless. I wish I could feel happy, content and useful. The truth is, I may never feel those things. The realist in me says, "Life sucks then you die." It's true. Children starve to death, women are beat by thier husbands, good people go bankrupt and become homeless, people die of terrible diseases they don't deserve. Who am I to deserve or even wish for anything better? So I find myself again wondering, "Why bother?" Why live?

Friends?

I'm having trouble with my friends lately. I don't have many friends ... I can really only count 3, maybe 3 and a 1/2. I need to keep my friends.

I know there are always two sides to every story so I'm trying to stay open minded and give them the benefit of the doubt.

I'm having the trouble with 3 friends.

The first one (we will call Katie) I know through work and we both sell Arbonne products. (She's like my mentor in the Arbonne business.) I figured Katie is suppose to help me get my Arbonne business into a profitable position... I guess I was wrong. It seems like everytime I want her help or need something from her, she's too busy. I've asked her several times to help me with stuff but she's either too late in her response or simply says she doesn't have the time. I think my problem is that I think of Arbonne like a sorority instead of a business. I sort of figured I would just have parties, talk to people and make a bunch of money. IT'S NOT WORKING! I don't think I want to work this hard in a month to make $50!

The second friend I'm having trouble with (we will call her Alison) I've known since high school. She's a therapist now and has really been a good friend. She's made some choices I wouldn't have wished for her (like getting a giant tattoo, joining a "swingers" crowd and marrying a loser) but she's still a good friend and person. I asked her to go to this workshop for friends and family of people who have eating disorders. I wrote this long e-mail explaining what I wanted her to get out of it and why I thought she would benefit from it. I even sent her a reminder. She told me she didn't want to pay the money to hear the stuff she went to school for just over a year ago. If she really already knows this stuff, why does she say some of the things she does to me about food??? She never called to talk to the counselor like she said she would. This kind of stuff you don't learn in a book. This workshop was about hearing from people who really LIVE it. She called me on the night of the workshop to have dinner with her!!! She had totally forgotten about it. I didn't want to go see her and I was very closed off. I kept trying to come up with excuses but I couldn't. I went because I think our friendship is more important and I'm trying not to continue to isolate.

The third friend is someone I don't know VERY well but was starting to get close to. She just opened her own gym and invited me to be a vendor at her Grand Opening. I was all ready when she told me (via e-mail) that I could come to the event but not sell anything. She just wanted me to be "entertainment." I probably would have been okay with that if she would have told me the week before! Instead she filled me in on all the details by text messages and e-mail. How RUDE! I felt rather taken advantage of and manipulated. I've had enough of that in my life from family, I don't need it from friends! I went to her class tonight, all pumped up and ready to tell her off if she so much as looked at me funny. I spent a good hour rehearsing what I would say to her. When I got there, she was fine. I am glad I didn't "let it rip" but I don't feel much better. Why do I feel guilty? I didn't do anything wrong but I feel like I owe her an apology or something. I feel as if I really did tell her off. I feel like I'm taking advantage of her. I REALLY don't understand that!

I just feel so hopeless and lonely today. It's like I keep thinking ... life gets continually more difficult then we die.... Morbid, huh?

Where's my motivation? Where's my purpose? Where's my joy? Where's the damn crown God promised as "his little princess?" Where's my night in shining armor? What's my fairytale ending? Why isn't anything ever good enough?

Celebrate Recovery

I went to Celebrate Recovery for the first time at my current church. I've been before when I lived on Gainesville. It was much better tonight but I'm still unsure. I've been to OA, Celebrate Recovery, AA, EDA and I don't know of I want to open my life up to the 12 steps again. Its almost like its own little world. I want recovery and my way isn't working. I'll probably go back next week. I know I have to give it at least three tries but I'm not committing beyond that yet.

Random Thoughts

I'm totally straight but I think this woman is one of the most attractive women I've ever seen. She's an actress I noticed in an episode of NCIS.

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I've been having trouble with the fact that I'll probably never like my job. I wish someone would pay me to sleep! Or... write a blog!

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I really need a massage!

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I'm doing this show for Arbonne, the wonderful health and wellness company I work with but I'm worried about it. The friend I'm doing it with isn't being very helpful and another person who sort of mentors me isn't being very helpful either! AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!

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I started keeping a food journal again. I'm not sure how long that will last or if it's worth it.

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I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO!!!!!!!!!!

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I just ordered a pizza and it's soooooooooooo worth the calories!

Spaghetti Dinner

Somehow I found the motivation to exercise at home after missing my class at the gym due to traffic! After my exercising, I had to make dinner. I've had a plan to cook spaghetti with meat sauce for several days now and have just been too tired.

I made a great salad (which is saying a lot since I don't normally like salad) and my spaghetti dinner. I enjoyed making it, despite how tired I usually am at the end of the day. I haven't cooked this dinner in probably a year but it has such a family feel to it. I was pleased with my effort to cook a balanced meal and take care of myself. I sat down (on the couch with the TV on) to eat my salad and already shut off. I didn't taste it. I didn't smell it. I didn't even realize I was almost done with my salad (that I had actually been craving for about a week). I started to feel cheated! I felt like someone had stolen that salad from me. I turned off the TV and told myself that if I wanted to enjoy my meal I was going to have to enjoy myself as company. I knew this was fairly uncharted territory and had lead to trouble in the past but took the chance.

I ate the rest of the salad and tasted it well enough. There were only a couple bites left. I was still eating sort of fast though (which may be slow for other people). I got my spaghetti with meat sauce. I ended up getting about 2 helpings worth b/c I REALLY don't know how to gauge the right amount of pasta. I ended up only eating about half so it turned out okay.

While eating though, it was definitely a rocky path. I had to turn on music because the quiet was too much but all was good at first. It tasted good. It was exactly what I wanted. Then I started to hear the sound that pasta makes and it started to gross me out. I tried not to listen. I also realized that I was trying to "eat perfectly." (You know, like a good little girl with perfect manners, a pink bow, white lace socks and rosy cheeks would eat. The little girl my Granny raised. I call her the Doll and she's never done anything wrong.) I had been taking the perfect proportion of sauce to noodle in each bite. I had been taking a bite of bread every 2nd or 3rd bite but never more. I had been drinking my milk between every 2nd or 3rd bite as well. So I, rather spitefully and rebelliously, took a bite of only the meat sauce and then only the spaghetti and then a giant bite of the MIDDLE of the bread (no crust). I'd like to say then I smiled but I really felt a little silly and a little "in trouble."

I started to hear the sound I was making while eating, similar to the sound of the noodles. (Is it common for people with ED to be grossed out by the sounds of eating?) Then I started to hear all the "voices" in my head. The spaghetti meals past with family and old friends played in my head. I had to close my eyes at times to try and focus on things like smell, taste, texture and even knowing I was eating. Feeling things like chewing and swallowing. How can I be soooooo easily disconnected from these things? I never realized how VERY unaware and not present I am while eating until recently. I had a newspaper sitting on the couch beside me so I picked up the funny section and started to read while eating. I almost gave up and turned the TV on at one point but decided to test my "distress tolerance" level. The anxiety continued to build as I ate and tried to stay connected while focusing my mind on specific topics. I wanted to keep out the bad thoughts. I started to notice that I was making those big sighs... you know how people who are full sigh. I was much less connected at this point to myself but hanging on for dear life. I had to stop between bites a couple times to try and listen to my body. I figured I was at about a 7 on the hunger / satiety scale and remembered my nutritionist saying an 8 is a good ending point. I ate a couple more bites and waited to see "where I was." I decided a couple more bites and I would be done. I wanted the garlic bread I had made so I ate that and finished.

By the time I was done, the bad thoughts were too close for comfort. I sat for a moment in near panic as my mind scanned the time I had swallowed half a bottle of advil. My motivation to do it again was confusing. How could a GOOD meal cause these thoughts? Self harm was not an option so ED jumped in and yelled "COOKIES, WE NEED COOKIES!!!!!" Someone inside knew that was wrong too. I was having a huge war over trying to keep this meal for me versus giving it up to ED to destroy with binging or purging. I needed distraction. I had spent enough time connected. I called a friend. She wasn't there. I dared to call someone that I've just recently met. I needed to do the dishes and stay distracted. This friend was there. We chatted with small talk but I don't think she'll ever know how much she saved me tonight with simple conversations about TV shows and children and cleaning.

Pushing Through

Today's been a really hard day. My motivation level is in the negative range. I can't think of any reason why. I should be happier. I have a bunch of financial stress but it's getting better. I made an extra $20 today tutoring which should be able to get me through to my next pay check.

I had a difficult evening last night. I went to a movie with a friend who seemed rather antagonistic towards me and I can't figure out why. Then I had the most horrible cramps that kept me awake from about 3:30 to 6:30am. I missed church this morning to sleep in.

Despite the depressed mood, I'm actually pretty proud of myself. I've managed to work on the Arbonne poster a bit, clean out the fridge, return something, get some gas and a newspaper, tutor one of my clients, fold 2 loads of laundry and now I'm getting ready to watch church on-line (just can't get myself to go) and clip coupons.

My "zombie" part that gets stuff done and ignores the emotion has stepped in a lot this weekend. She's not the one that shuts me down, she's the one that puts one foot in front of the other. She doesn't deal with the emotion but it still weighs her down. She doesn't have a name now and I'm not sure "she's" not a "he." I'm thankful for her / him / it. I wish that part didn't have to step in though. Life isn't much fun with all these parts. It's kind of confusing. It's so unpredictable.

Little One

One of my Little Ones came out in public. I hate to say it, but I was embarrassed. I know she hears me but when I think back on what my friend must have thought.... She looked at me kinda funny and then responded to me like she would her child.

Me: I was talking to my friend about possibly doing something later when I said, "But, I need help." It was more of a whine than a statement.

My friend: "What I needed help with."

Me: (a different part said) "I'm not sure. I can probably do the Arbonne stuff on my own. I feel like your little girl... 'Mommy, I need you.'"

I shrugged it off and we went our separate ways.

In the car on the way home that little one was still waiting for help. I asked her what she needed. She said she just needed to be loved. I don't know how to do that for her. I don't know what that means. She wants someone to hold her. Victoria stepped in and decided to push Mae to go to a wine tasting so we can meet a man that will hold us. I don't think that's the right answer though either.

I wanted to go out and spend money. I realized I was trying to fill a void. I'm doing to the little one what my dad (and Granny) does. She doesn't want stuff. She wants someone to love and take care of her. How do I do that?

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Me: Little One, I love you but I don't know how to show it in a way you would like. What do you want me to do.

Little One: I'm hungry, you haven't given me anything to eat all day. And I want to cuddle.

Me: I can get something to eat for you and snuggle up on the couch with the cats. Is that okay?

Little One: I guess. Can we color too?

Me: Yes. What do you want to eat?

ED: We have to eat the salad and left overs.

Little One: But I don't want that. Plus, Mommy says it would make us sick because it was sitting out. Can't you have that later when you buy new ones?

Me: Yes, this is your time Little One. Ed, can you give us this time and work on something else.

ED: I'll still be here when you are done. Just like last night. How could you have thought we wouldn't throw that up?

Me: We were trying to have comfort food with balance and mindfulness. This is Little One's time. She needs to eat to get big. She knows what she needs and wants.

Little One: My turn?

Me: Yep!

Little One: Yay!
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After that, we ate chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese (unfortunately they were soy chicken nuggets and whole grain mac - n - cheese). My mannerisms even changed a little. I found myself dancing around the kitchen like I used to as a child.

My decisions were made as if I was a child... my thinking pattern changed to that of a child's. I drank a coke and thought about how it's a big girl drink..... I curled up on the couch with my blankets and watched a couple black and white movies, like I used to with mom when I was little. I had a snack of peanut butter and jelly cracker sandwiches and chocolate milk, too. We didn't color yet but it feels like the little one is sleeping. I will color if she wants to.

Fun Finally

I was actually able to have some FUN this past weekend. I figured out a little bit more what things are fun for me. I can’t believe this is such a hard issue.

Friday a friend came over about 4:30 to have a couple glasses of wine, a light dinner and play with some of the great new Arbonne make-up. Once we were all ready, we met up with several other people to see the movie “Sex and the City.” After the movie we went to the Cheesecake Factory for appetizers and a martini.

It was GREAT! I didn’t feel out of control. I felt appreciated and included. I like movies and would rather do things that are “low key” then go dancing or drinking. I just end up embarrassed, ashamed or humiliated when I try to do those things. I am so much more of a home body. I guess I should stop trying to be something else.