Spaghetti Dinner

Somehow I found the motivation to exercise at home after missing my class at the gym due to traffic! After my exercising, I had to make dinner. I've had a plan to cook spaghetti with meat sauce for several days now and have just been too tired.

I made a great salad (which is saying a lot since I don't normally like salad) and my spaghetti dinner. I enjoyed making it, despite how tired I usually am at the end of the day. I haven't cooked this dinner in probably a year but it has such a family feel to it. I was pleased with my effort to cook a balanced meal and take care of myself. I sat down (on the couch with the TV on) to eat my salad and already shut off. I didn't taste it. I didn't smell it. I didn't even realize I was almost done with my salad (that I had actually been craving for about a week). I started to feel cheated! I felt like someone had stolen that salad from me. I turned off the TV and told myself that if I wanted to enjoy my meal I was going to have to enjoy myself as company. I knew this was fairly uncharted territory and had lead to trouble in the past but took the chance.

I ate the rest of the salad and tasted it well enough. There were only a couple bites left. I was still eating sort of fast though (which may be slow for other people). I got my spaghetti with meat sauce. I ended up getting about 2 helpings worth b/c I REALLY don't know how to gauge the right amount of pasta. I ended up only eating about half so it turned out okay.

While eating though, it was definitely a rocky path. I had to turn on music because the quiet was too much but all was good at first. It tasted good. It was exactly what I wanted. Then I started to hear the sound that pasta makes and it started to gross me out. I tried not to listen. I also realized that I was trying to "eat perfectly." (You know, like a good little girl with perfect manners, a pink bow, white lace socks and rosy cheeks would eat. The little girl my Granny raised. I call her the Doll and she's never done anything wrong.) I had been taking the perfect proportion of sauce to noodle in each bite. I had been taking a bite of bread every 2nd or 3rd bite but never more. I had been drinking my milk between every 2nd or 3rd bite as well. So I, rather spitefully and rebelliously, took a bite of only the meat sauce and then only the spaghetti and then a giant bite of the MIDDLE of the bread (no crust). I'd like to say then I smiled but I really felt a little silly and a little "in trouble."

I started to hear the sound I was making while eating, similar to the sound of the noodles. (Is it common for people with ED to be grossed out by the sounds of eating?) Then I started to hear all the "voices" in my head. The spaghetti meals past with family and old friends played in my head. I had to close my eyes at times to try and focus on things like smell, taste, texture and even knowing I was eating. Feeling things like chewing and swallowing. How can I be soooooo easily disconnected from these things? I never realized how VERY unaware and not present I am while eating until recently. I had a newspaper sitting on the couch beside me so I picked up the funny section and started to read while eating. I almost gave up and turned the TV on at one point but decided to test my "distress tolerance" level. The anxiety continued to build as I ate and tried to stay connected while focusing my mind on specific topics. I wanted to keep out the bad thoughts. I started to notice that I was making those big sighs... you know how people who are full sigh. I was much less connected at this point to myself but hanging on for dear life. I had to stop between bites a couple times to try and listen to my body. I figured I was at about a 7 on the hunger / satiety scale and remembered my nutritionist saying an 8 is a good ending point. I ate a couple more bites and waited to see "where I was." I decided a couple more bites and I would be done. I wanted the garlic bread I had made so I ate that and finished.

By the time I was done, the bad thoughts were too close for comfort. I sat for a moment in near panic as my mind scanned the time I had swallowed half a bottle of advil. My motivation to do it again was confusing. How could a GOOD meal cause these thoughts? Self harm was not an option so ED jumped in and yelled "COOKIES, WE NEED COOKIES!!!!!" Someone inside knew that was wrong too. I was having a huge war over trying to keep this meal for me versus giving it up to ED to destroy with binging or purging. I needed distraction. I had spent enough time connected. I called a friend. She wasn't there. I dared to call someone that I've just recently met. I needed to do the dishes and stay distracted. This friend was there. We chatted with small talk but I don't think she'll ever know how much she saved me tonight with simple conversations about TV shows and children and cleaning.