Sleepy

I had a very “PART DRIVEN” experience last night. I felt very dissociated, ashamed and embarrassed. I thought I was past a lot of this. I am shocked by my own system’s ability to control me. I didn’t want them to take over but I had no power to make my own decisions. I started to work with an exiled part during a therapy session. I thought I was getting close but then several other parts must have jumped in. The first thing I remember is a part screaming in my head. I had to concentrate not to start screaming in the office. Then I felt another part. I call the next part, Shutdown, because it LITTERALLY shuts me off like the flip of a switch. I didn’t realize it at the time but my therapist recognized the part. I suddenly felt extremely tired. I could hardly move and couldn’t keep my eyes open. A third part started to panic. I struggled for a minute while trying to gain control back but then I was lost. There was no Self left. I fell asleep (I think). It’s very “fuzzy.” I’m having considerable “fall out” from last night. It was so strange. I remember it like a dream and moments like a nightmare. I find myself dealing with some VERY strong feelings of shame and embarrassment. I’m not sure why. I have levels of shame far greater than ANYTHING that came from sharing my testimony recently in front of approximately 200 people. (WOW! I can tell strangers about the worst moments of my life but I can’t let my therapist see me fall asleep when I’m unable to deal with whatever it was my system was protecting me from.) I don’t even remember the last time I felt this embarrassed and ashamed… it may have been college when I got so drunk that I thought my friend’s desk chair was a toilet. THAT’S TERRIBLE! I think it has something to do with how I felt so extremely unable to control the situation. I felt like I was watching it all play out. I was at the mercy of my parts. That’s frightening. I soooooooooooooooo BADLY want to be OVER IT ALL! I believe this is the sentiment from the whole system. We truly want to heal this and want it to be gone. If that is a collective opinion, why do they all distract and step in when it is time to talk about it? I WANT to do this work but my body (parts) aren’t letting me. I know it “takes as long as it takes.” I respect the work takes time but I don’t feel like I’ve done much work…. This all seems like “pre-work.” My heart breaks for the burden my exiled part continues to endure. I know it is not the exiled part that is trepidatious. I can see her and she is eager for me to be near and hear her but I still can only see her through a fog. I do remember Shutdown telling me something about rest and preparation. He makes a good point. I am thankful for his information. I seem to be hearing that if unburdening the exiled part is a priority then self care must be a priority, at least while doing this work. I don’t hear this as judgment. Obviously, my system can function without the self care. My general distress tolerance has been pushed to the limit lately. I can live my life on “full blast” and ride it out. No worries. However, I cannot keep up this pace AND have what I need to work in this area with this part. It takes time, rest, grieving and reflection (at least that’s what I know today). I believe that is Shutdown’s requirement. This comes as I have been presented with the opportunity to sing with my church’s choir for Christmas…. I don’t want to say no…. but I want a break. I have the urge to drop all my commitments and spend the week curled up in bed with my soft blankets letting myself cry. I’m going to work on rejuvenation this week. I will practice better self care, even if only just a bit more. I want my system to be balanced, peaceful, loved and strong.