Productive Forgetting: Part 2

In my last blog I introduced the idea of productive forgetting. The first function productive forgetting plays in my life is to help me contain ideas, memories or problems. Part of my recovery journey has included learning when and how certain topics or facts are appropriate for situations, discussions or activities in my life. I have been hurt in situations where I shared too much or too little.

“There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens…”
– Ecclesiastes 3:1

The concept of productive forgetting allows me to contain any unsafe or vulnerable thoughts or ideas until I am able to discuss and process them honestly, safely and openly. By figuratively setting an idea or memory aside (usually in some kind of mental or symbolic container) until I find time to fully explore options and beliefs, I am honoring the parts that need protection as well as the parts that need a voice. I will “hold onto” an emotionally activating thought until I have the correct assistance, skills or tools to address it.

“The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out.”
– Proverbs 18:15

I would love to hear if you use containment in your work with parts? Does it help? What are some of your tricks? Does Productive Forgetting sound like containment work to you?

Productive Forgetting: Part 1

I am a bit of a Doctor Who fan.... for anyone who doesn't know this is an awesome science fiction show. I heard a quote today from Doctor Who. "They forget because they must." The show was speaking of people who were dreaming of the horrors that would take place at the end of the world. No one remembered the dreams because they were too terrible to comprehend.

This quote accompanied by the recent discovery of a combination of words opened a new perspective around my understanding of recovery and part work. In some business research I read the words, "Productive Forgetting."

Productive Forgetting: the ability to abandon unproductive ideas and temporarily put aside stubborn problems until new approaches can be considered.

This phrase is used in business but could be DANGEROUS in recovery! As someone who struggles with processing some of my past hurts and making choices to further my recovery from an eating disorder, I carefully asses my mood and actions in a daily inventory. The concept of Productive Forgetting can work FOR me or AGAINST me!

I believe this phrase plays a role in at least 3 different areas of my life:
Containment
Denial
Exiled Parts

Feel free to comment: I'm curious to know what you think of the concept of Productive Forgetting.

Games

I just wish I could take all my past, all my hurts, all my memories and scrape them out of my brain.  I want to be simple instead of complicated.  I want easy, denial, fun, carefree.  I’m not those things.  I seem to be so tired lately from everything.  I’m heavy and burdened and sad.  I’m confused and guilty so often. I sense there are a lot of parts activated.  I really WANT to do part work with my therapist Wednesday but I'm not sure if I'm stable enough. I want to address how I relate to other people because I feel like I might be hurting myself and others (mentally). I don't seem to be able to "play nice" lately (internally and externally).  I seem to find myself stuck in games that I didn't know I started with rules that I can't figure out and I really feel crazy.... Is that blending? I have done this for almost as long as I can remember. I play games with people but they aren't the fun kind. There is this intricate level system of tests but there is never any way to win. I never win and the other person never does either. I never understand the rules but I think it all centers around one question: Can I REALLY trust them?

Depressed

I find myself deeply troubled tonight. I've been skirting on the edge of depression and have probably finally crossed over. I am very upset with my job situation and feel trapped. I feel that if I didn't work where I do I may not need so much therapy but to be able to pay for any of it I have to work where I do.

God, please get me out of this catch 22!

I have many more issues than my job but my job stress keeps blocking my progress. I wish I was independently wealthy. Is it bad to wish for a husband so I could quite working? I'm sure it is.

The thing that put me over the edge tonight was my friend's Facebook post. It is a woman I was in treatment with about six years ago. She got married this weekend. She's younger than me, prettier than me and skinnier than me. What hope do I have? I haven't even been on a date since treatment. I'm going to die an old cat lady! (crying) I love my cats but ..... Is this it?

I have all kind of parts popping up. Little parts, hopeless parts, critical parts, manager parts, mean parts, angry parts..... This is it. The big battle they all fight. Attachment and the pain that comes with it.

I wish I could do things over. But what would I do differently? I can't change the things that made me the way I am. It began before I could talk. I can't help that my mother had three husbands and that my father is crazy. I was dealt a shitty hand. Not the worst by any means but not the best. I've done what I can but I will never have the winning hand.

I don't feel like I will ever be truly satisfied. There is something wrong with me. Deep down I'm just not grateful enough or good enough or worthy enough. That must be what these parts are truly protecting. They aren't protecting some perfect Self that can take care of us all. They are protecting the weak, unloveable, evil me that doesn't deserve to live. And that's why I have no romantic interests and can't hang on to any friends. People are intuitive and they eventually see the real me, the me I can't even see. People leave me because they can't handle the real me. I am doomed to live this life alone and abandoned forever. So, really, why live it? I know I'm going to heaven. Can't I just skip this hell?

Dialogue - Flashback

I recently (2 days ago) had a flashback of the last rape I experienced. This doesn't happen often to me. I've been raped twice. At times I actually feel lucky that I can't remember anything (due to drinking or being drugged) of the first time. The second one is enough for me to handle. Both were traumatic (memories or not).

I decided a long time ago not to press charges. My thought is that one of the two lives involved has already been ruined, why ruin the man's life too. I'm told this is a compassionate view. I'm also told it's a codependent view. It is very much based out of the idea that I feel like it was my fault and he (both men) may not even think he did anything wrong.

I've recently come to realize that no matter what I call it, who I blame or how little I remember of it, the incident affected my life negatively.

One of my parts holds those events. I've written about her before. It's Pandora. She let the box open and everything spilled out. On Friday in the middle of shaking, remembering and reliving the event I didn't take the time to check in with any of my parts. Today they burst forward in the middle of church and demanded to be heard.

It started with a general sadness. I was deeply sad and lonely today. I could tell that The Monster was activated as he filled the place where my heart should be. It seeped into my body from my throat to my stomach. I began journaling just to observe The Monster. It's very hard for me to connect with this part or understand it. Here's what came out as I wrote:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is a chaotic, thundering, anxious storm of loneliness and despair. I want to curl up, sink into the floor, hide, scream, cry and die. It (The Monster) is very amorphous. It has no boundaries. It cannot be contained. It has access to everyone and everywhere. It is out of control. It is extremely reactionary. It's overwhelmed and over whelming.

I wasn't getting much from general observation that I didn't already know so I began to dialogue:
Me: What are you trying to do or tell me, Monster?

The Monster: There's too much packed away. You HAVE to clean some of this out. I can't hold it anymore. It's unrealistic.

Me: I don't know how to do that. It hasn't been working. Why aren't any of you releasing and unburdening the things you hold? I can't change what happened!

The Monster: You have to listen. You have to do something different.

Me: There are too many to listen to. Too many stories and too much pain. How do I ever have enough time?

~~~At this point The Monster was replaced by The Protector. I didn't realize it at first though.~~~

The Protector: Deal with the things that hurt and affect you the most first. You MUST spend time with us. It is the only way you will know us.

Me: I'm worried I won't be able to handle it. I'm worried my therapist (or anyone else) will not be able to help me.

The Protector: She can and will. You are the one who will really do all the work though.

Me (this is when I heard that it was The Protector): Hello Protector. I'm glad you're here. What happened with Pandora? Where were you?

The Protector: It's not her fault. I opened the safe. I let out the stories, images and past.

Me: Did you tell her? Did you warn her? She's scared. She's hiding. She feels like she failed.

The Protector: I did not. She would have never let me help.

Me: How can you say that was help? How can you call yourself a Protector? Who are you really? What about Pandora?

The Protector: I AM your protector. It's time to deal with it. I want the best for you. Let's talk to Pandora. She needs to know she did a good job.

Pandora: How can you say that!?!? I failed! My only job was to keep that hidden!

The Protector: That WAS your job. It killed you though. You did it very well all this time. You didn't and still don't know the whole plan. Your job was to hide it until the girl (ME) could deal with it.

Me (feeling genuine concern): I'm so sorry Pandora. I'm sorry you had to do that in the first place. I'm sorry you don't feel any other purpose or sense of worth.

The Protector: You are beautiful Pandora. You can rest. You will have another job. Remember how we made this chair for you? Will you sit in it. (Pandora had been huddled up in a dark corner hiding and crying. The Protector takes her hand and leads her to the chair. She sits down and continues to cry.) It's okay. I'll stay with you. We are okay now (addressing me). You can go back to the church bookstore.

Me: Can I?! This was a lot. How do I smile now? I'm blank.

The Monster: I know. I have to take this. I'll do my best but I'm almost at capacity.

More Than One

After this past week, I'm learning much more about my parts. This past week was the first time Victoria spoke to someone without me interpreting. Some sort of gate was opened.

My parts can definitely operate simultaneously. Often times they NEED to. One that doesn't have one ability is supplemented by one that does or is a filter for that second one.

Example: Victoria's not emotional so often times another part is "out" with her to make sure she responds appropriately to people's emotion. They sort of switch back and forth, like a dance. Or if that part isn't fully out, that part will be close in the background sort of coaching Victoria on an appropriate response when she just doesn't get what people are saying about emotional stuff.