Recovery Again

So I'm back in recovery. I'm NOT thrilled about it though. I'm still very much on the fence and there is a strong pull to restrict. I ate 2 desserts yesterday and literally hated myself for it! I went to bed wishing I would die because of what I ate. I didn't purge it because I know ED is still running the show. I'm trying to separate and disobey his commands.

I have been eating disorder symptom free for almost 3 days.

My greatest fear is still that I will be alone forever. I was reading TIME Magazine today. The entire magazine is about Mother Teresa. I am fascinated by this woman. It says that she was not "called to be a wife." Maybe she was happy about that but what about me? I know God doesn't call us all to marriage but I want it soooooooooooo badly. But I often don't know why I want it.

My therapist asked me if I could be in a relationship while still in a relationship with ED? I don't know. The books and professionals say that you can't but empirical data has proven otherwise. Many of my friends with ED have been in good supportive relationships. What do you think? Can someone have a healthy romantic relationship while engaging in an eating disorder? Why or why not?