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I've been working on my home most of the day and my mood just took a major plummet! I think it probably has something to do with the minimal amount of food I've eaten today though.
I got all the wallpaper off the walls and finished one coat of paint on my bathroom ceiling. Unfortunately I think it's going to need a second coat. I'm DREADING doing it. I had all these great plans to paint and decorate my bathroom this weekend and all I want to do is sleep.
I keep thinking things like:
Why did I buy this house? All it does is take time and money. I have no one to help me, no one to share it with and no one to even visit! What's the point!? I resent buying this house.
I thought I would feel this sense of accomplishment but I really just want to sell my house and take the money to move somewhere exciting or take a trip to Japan. I always feel so trapped. Why can't I ever simply enjoy myself? I'm tired of responsibility. I'm tired of money. I'm tired of working. I'm tired of laundry. I'm tired of cleaning. I'm tired of dishes. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of my eating disorder. I'm tired of therapy. I'm tired of being TIRED. I'm tired of people. I'm tired of life. I'm tired of EVERYTHING!
I'm actually arguing with myself. I don't know if it's my parts but I caught myself actually telling myself things like "Shut up" and "Get over it."
Everything hurts.... head, neck, back, legs, knees, face....
I can relate with just about everything you're feeling. My statement about my house is "I don't know where home is anymore." I recently moved from renting a 3 bedroom house with too much stuff, expenses, yardwork, ect, to a 2 bedroom duplex, but it doesn't feel like home. I seriously don't think unpacking the 15 boxes in the hallway would make much difference, even if I had the motivation and energy to do so. The statement I make about being tired, is "I'm tired of this game of life. I just want to quit." I'd like someone to give me permission to quit. No one will, even those who understand the feeling. I can't say it to close family members anymore, they just get upset that they aren't able to make me want to be alive, so I say it to myself... ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.
ReplyDeleteShannon
ReplyDeleteI understand what you say about wanting someone to give you permission to quit. As I think about what that would REALLY be like, though, it's not what I want. I would feel terrible if my friends or family members said, "It's okay, I don't mind if you die." I don't want to die but I don't want to live. I want to "want to" live so that's my prayer. "God, give me the desire to live."
Today was actually a little better. My boss told me I could take a vacation day on Thursday so my hellacious job is only three days this week. That leaves more time to work on my house though.... joy! At this point I'm not sure which is better. With no money, decorating my house is just a lot of hard work.