Running Away

In my last post I was contemplating running away from therapy, nutrition counseling and recovery. I was feeling so trapped. Trapped by work, my house and life in general. My company isn't doing well and I'm fearful of my job. I have no savings and paying so much each week for recovery doesn't allow me to save. It's a scary place to be. I also feel myself getting more and more attached to my team, which is ALSO a scary place to be.

I had a thought that everything would be better if I didn't have to see my team. It was a thought that came from a completely different part of my brain. It actually confused me. It was as if the thought was in a different language. The tone, urgency and everything was different about it. It was a very compulsive thought and would not wait for contemplation. It demanded action.

In a very disconnected moment, I impulsively and reactively canceled all my appointments with my team via e-mail.

I was at work and immediately got up to go to a meeting. I had to walk through a dark room and it was as if I never left the darkness. I was filled with shame, abandon, hopelessness, fear and desperation. All the reasons why I wanted to stop therapy and why I wanted to continue therapy started pouring out of me. The system began fighting each other. I couldn't handle more than about 10 minutes of it before I went into "shutdown" or BSOD (blue screen of death). It was World War 3 in my head. After several days I was able to gain some insight with a dialogue session. It's transcribed below.
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Facilitator: Parts, I want to hear what you think about what happened this week when we decided to stop therapy. Why did we decide that? A few of the parts I want to hear from (but not limited to) are Victoria, The Protector and my little ones.

Victoria: We tried the therapist's way. I don't have anything against her but why continue to do something that's not helping. I'm trying to be practical. I'm taking care of you. Yes, I am the one that canceled the appointments. We have lots to do. Money ends. You can't get more if it's gone. The therapist has to make a living but we have to budget better. Therapy and nutrition counseling is a luxury. One we can't indulge in anymore. We need to focus time, effort and money on the house, Arbonne, savings. It's the right decision.

Facilitator: Little Ones, why are you trembling?

Little Ones (many voices): She's locking us up again. The closet isn't a good place. The therapist has opened the door. We don't want to go back in. We want to see the therapist. She listens. We haven't had any fun before we started seeing her. Are we bad Why don't you want us? (crying) Why is Victoria so mean?

Facilitator: You aren't bad. I want you but I'm confused, tired and don't know what to do. Don't worry Little Ones. Victoria isn't trying to hurt you. We all have a job and we don't always want the same things. We all had a hard few days and Victoria was taking control. We will learn to work together more. ... I want to hear from The Protector. What are you protecting from? Why did you let Victoria do that?

The Protector: Pieces of us are very hard for the little ones to be around. The Monster is one of the very scary parts. We all want to get threw to the Monster but we have to do it differently. Victoria make a good decision. I will help more but we have to contain better. The therapist doesn't know what The Monster holds. We have to go slow.

Facilitator: How? Can we continue with the Therapist?

The Protector: Yes, we need to continue. I'm sorry we got hurt. I was distracted. We need to observe The Monster for a bit. We can't let it take over. The Monster holds much more than could ever fit in Pandora's box. You don't need to be scared but you need to understand how hard this is going to be.

Facilitator: Okay. We can't do that to the Little Ones again, though. They won't survive much more separation / ending / divorce.

The Protector: You're right. We are not giving up.