Sadness and Taste

I had a session with my therapist then my nutritionist today. I had about an hour between sessions so I went to get some coffee down the street. My therapist challenged me to drink it “mindfully.” I figured… no problem, I like my coffee.

While at Starbucks I got something to eat as well, one of those breakfast wraps they are selling now. I hadn’t had breakfast and always feel compelled to eat well on days I see “my people” – meaning therapist and nutritionist.

I was running short on time so I started to eat in the car on the way back to the office. The first couple bites were fairly good. Then I had this sad thought, sort of out of nowhere. I don’t remember the thought and it was gone almost as quickly as it occurred. I know it had something to do with missing people that are no longer in my life.

Once that thought occurred, I lost all taste. I could no longer taste the wrap. As I continued to eat it (because that’s what us eating disordered patients have to do in order to live) the taste was not only non-existent but the texture started to gross me out. As I ate more and more of it, the wrap became disgusting. I also was hyper-aware of the sound my throat made as I swallowed, to the point that I would cringe when I had to swallow. (I was only able to finish about 2/3 of it.)

What does all that mean? Is my ED that connected to sadness? It’s as if the sadness was taken away and replaced by an aversion to eating. Does this make sense with anyone else? Am I a freak!?

I was able to process it with my nutritionist, who said that it’s all kind of connected. She said that connecting to the eating process means having to connect to the sadness as well. By “checking out” of the emotion, I also shut off all my food enjoyment capabilities.

Thinking back, it’s as if The Monster had swooped in and gave me some sadness but ED pushed it aside.

My homework is to stay a bit more connected to everything without letting it take over. Is it possible to pick one thing rather than EVERYTHING! That seems like a lot of feeling for someone who generally stays cut off from the neck down… how do I keep all that emotion and observation from overtaking me?