The Day God's Light Met My Dark

My first thought waking up, before I opened my eyes, Monday morning, May 10th, 2010 was, “I hate my life.”

I pulled myself out of bed, reluctantly lifting off the covers that swaddled me all night in unconscious freedom. It was time to go to work, a place I think of as the outskirts of hell, most of the time. I asked myself, “How much longer will we run on this hamster wheel of nails?” I forced myself to ignore the thought because I had a job to do and “I’m a good girl!” The flipside of that question was, “How will we end this life with no hope? Pills? Knife? Poison?” My mom wouldn’t survive my suicide and what would happen to my cats? The part of me that runs on autopilot stepped in and got to work.

My back hurt that day, so at about 8am I pulled out a bottle of Ibuprofen. I poured 3 pills into my hand then froze. Different parts of me started to debate taking the rest of the bottle. I sat debating for a few minutes in time but hours in my head.

I’ve been in that position several times throughout my life. It’s extremely dark, hopeless, worthless and exhausting. The autopilot part stepped in again and does what it does best in those situations. I started making calls and reaching out to people who seemed like they could help. I e-mailed my therapist and nutritionist. I called a pastoral care counselor at my church and made an appointment.

I went back to work while the debating continued on a lesser scale. The end of the work day was approaching and it was time to make a choice. Several activities I usually enjoy all happen at the same time Monday evenings. I have a couple groups at church, church service and a great yoga class that I chose from weekly. The Monster in the darkness was pulling me toward home, where I knew I would not be safe. I found myself driving to church. I wasn’t sure what I would do there or if I would even stay.

I talked to a friend that works in the bookstore. My first friend at the church and a wonderful woman. It took a few minutes but I mustered the courage to tell her about the suicidal thoughts I have been wrestling with, that have been gaining strength. And there it was … the darkness was out in the open. I was so ashamed, embarrassed and humiliated. How could a woman like me be so thoughtless, selfish and crazy? What would people think about me? Am I really a quitter or am I just tired of being a survivor? My friend hugged me and prayed with me. I sat in the church service, biding my time until the darkness passed.

My church is amazing. The worship leaders, band and singers are abundantly blessed. A song called “Made Me Glad” was played. The lyrics in one part of it are:

Whom have I in heaven but You
There's none I desire besides You
And You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord

You are my Shield, my Strength
My Portion, Deliverer
My Shelter, Strong Tower
My very present help in time of need

God reached down and took care of me in that moment. It was His way of saying, “It’s okay. I’ve been there, too, but I’m always here for you. I am your ‘VERY present help in time of need.’ I know you are in need right now and I will take care of you.” Pastor spoke very fitting words about family and love. He’s a very honest, realistic and hopeful pastor.

God’s light met my darkness during church and THAT is where the healing began. God was not ashamed of me. He did not hate me or think badly of me. He saw my pain and held it for a bit. He does not think I “shouldn’t feel that way” or try to get me to be happy and smile. He simply supported the load so I could deal with a little at a time.

When I got home, my thoughts were clearer. I remembered some of the tools I’ve learned for times when I get lost in the darkness. I started booking my schedule with activities and friends. (I usually forget I have friends so I was surprised to even realize I have more than one or two.) I made three lists to help me on a cognitive level: 1. Things I’ve done well today 2. Things I enjoyed today 3. Things I’m grateful for.

About that time, my therapist called. I had done much of the work already but took a few minutes to check in and see if there was anything else that would help. She was as confused as I but probably for a different reason. I was amazed at what God had done for me in such a short time and she was wondering why I needed to talk to her. My therapist helped me gained understanding and make the promise to go to my mom’s house if I started feeling as bad as I had that morning. Having a plan is always helpful for me. The conversation was short and I think (hope) we were both more secure in my safety when we hung up.

That is where the healing BEGAN but the Monster still lurks in seas of darkness for me. I am safe and I am determined to bring the darkness to light.

The motivation to write this came from a song called Healing Begins on a CD called The Light Meets The Dark by Tenth Avenue North.

See the website and listen to the song at:
http://www.tenthavenuenorth.com/