Sex, Drugs and Rock n Roll

I started thinking about the possibility of getting back on psych meds again. They've never worked for me though. I've been on at least 50 different medications. It's not worth the money.

I went out drinking last night and made an ass out of myself. AGAIN! I really shouldn't drink! Not to mention that the chemical depressant probably wasn't good for my ever plummeting mood.

I actually went out to try and have FUN. My therapist has still left me with the task of trying to have fun. How could that be so hard? I just don't find anything fun. I always go overboard. Instead of an hour of TV, which would be fun, I watch 6 hours then feel guilty. Instead of dinner with friends I ended up waiting for my sister in the lobby of a hotel an hour away after leaving the "swingers" party upstairs then hanging my head out of my sister's car window throwing up. How did I end up there? I only had TWO drinks! I don't even want to have sex with a boyfriend ... and I was basically in the middle of an orgy. I turn into someone else when I drink. I guess it's just a lowered inhibition level but I want to have sex with people when I'm drunk. I don't like anything to do with sex though. I have a REAL problem with sex. Why would I put myself in those situations when drinking?

I haven't been able to do anything today. Once again I got nothing done this weekend. I have 3 day weekends and still haven't even started painting the house I moved into 9 months ago. I am a lazy, selfish, fat, sick, useless waste of air.

Now I have to go to bed so I can continue in my hampster wheel of pain. I think I'm destined to live in depression. It all seems so hopeless.

Character is destiny ... under the gun everyone reverts to who they are. We may hunger to map out a new course but for most of us the lines have been drawn since we were 5.

- Mary Shepard from In Plain Sight