Attached and Hurting

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to think about two of my old therapists without crying. I even start to think about my current therapist and want to cry for the day I will have to say goodbye. I fear that’s going to be soon as I might be taking a pay cut.

My attachment issues are very deep seated. I can’t believe how upset I am today and since Friday over two of my old therapists. I will call them Beth-Anne and Dawn.

Beth-Anne, I saw for about 3 years from 2003 to 2006. I saw her from the time I returned to school after a medical withdraw to the time I went into residential treatment and then about 6 months after treatment. It was a very hard time for me. I looked forward to my time with Beth-Anne.

She had a way of portraying to me that I’m not crazy. She’s also the only person I’ve ever met (and very well may be the only person I will ever meet) who REALLY understood my family situation. :’( I am sooooooooooo sad not to have her in my life. She’s such a great person: funny, insightful, silly, loving, confident.

When I had to stop seeing her professionally I tried to be friends with her. We e-mail several times and went to a play together. Then she e-mailed me one day that she couldn’t spend any more time with me because of ethical reasons. I felt so betrayed, alone and heart-broken. Why did it affect me so much? It’s 4 years later and I am still heart-broken. I don’t feel like anyone could understand this pain. When I tell people, they look at me as if I’m crazy.

About a year ago, I severed all contact with her. I decided it wasn’t emotionally safe to e-mail her every now and then or see her on facebook. I wrote her an e-mail explaining several things and wishing her well. I hoped this would give me some closure. Friday, I saw someone who looked like she could be Beth-Anne’s sister. I’m in a group with her so I have to see her often. Looking at this woman hurts. And days later, it still hurts.

Dawn, I saw for about 2 or 3 years (approximately 2007 to 2009). I decided that I wanted to see her almost a year before I started seeing her. From the first few minutes I talked to her over the phone, I knew she was the therapist God sent me to get better.

She was like my Angel and even looked like an Angel. She had a soft voice, friendly sky blue eyes, flowing blond hair and a very nurturing demeanor. She was very expensive for me so I had to wait until I got a better job. I saw her from about a year after I moved back to Orlando with my parents after another suicide gesture and a medical leave from work, to the point where I enrolled in her Intensive Outpatient Program.

When I finished a month in IOP, she and I had a disagreement about finances and I decided not to see her anymore. I was furious by her accusing me of trying to take advantage of her and the fact that she had never worked with me over finances. I was so confused by why God would take her away from me but I had spent all my money on this IOP and couldn’t pay my bills. It did not end well.

About a month after I stopped seeing her, I asked to start seeing her again. She agreed but when we went to schedule appointments she couldn’t fit me into her schedule. I was making all kinds of sacrifices (financially and time-wise) but I just wasn’t important enough to her.

I’m still dealing with the insurance company on a claim for the IOP program and I have to mail her something today. I looked up her address on her website. Her picture was posted and her blue eyes were piercing. I don’t think I want to see her anymore because we had a sort of “love / hate” relationship and she’s very strict about time and money. My feelings toward her were always very intense and much of the time I would be angry over some challenge or ultimatum she was giving me. I just can’t shake her from my thoughts. I wish I had never met her. Then I wish all I could do is see her again. My heart longs for her... or what she gave me but I don't even know what that was.

I’m guessing I got slightly enmeshed or codependent or something with both of them. These two examples are the strongest examples I have of my attachment disorder. It’s years later and the pain has not subsided. Why not? How do I hold on to these pains? Will they ever go away?