Friends?

I'm having trouble with my friends lately. I don't have many friends ... I can really only count 3, maybe 3 and a 1/2. I need to keep my friends.

I know there are always two sides to every story so I'm trying to stay open minded and give them the benefit of the doubt.

I'm having the trouble with 3 friends.

The first one (we will call Katie) I know through work and we both sell Arbonne products. (She's like my mentor in the Arbonne business.) I figured Katie is suppose to help me get my Arbonne business into a profitable position... I guess I was wrong. It seems like everytime I want her help or need something from her, she's too busy. I've asked her several times to help me with stuff but she's either too late in her response or simply says she doesn't have the time. I think my problem is that I think of Arbonne like a sorority instead of a business. I sort of figured I would just have parties, talk to people and make a bunch of money. IT'S NOT WORKING! I don't think I want to work this hard in a month to make $50!

The second friend I'm having trouble with (we will call her Alison) I've known since high school. She's a therapist now and has really been a good friend. She's made some choices I wouldn't have wished for her (like getting a giant tattoo, joining a "swingers" crowd and marrying a loser) but she's still a good friend and person. I asked her to go to this workshop for friends and family of people who have eating disorders. I wrote this long e-mail explaining what I wanted her to get out of it and why I thought she would benefit from it. I even sent her a reminder. She told me she didn't want to pay the money to hear the stuff she went to school for just over a year ago. If she really already knows this stuff, why does she say some of the things she does to me about food??? She never called to talk to the counselor like she said she would. This kind of stuff you don't learn in a book. This workshop was about hearing from people who really LIVE it. She called me on the night of the workshop to have dinner with her!!! She had totally forgotten about it. I didn't want to go see her and I was very closed off. I kept trying to come up with excuses but I couldn't. I went because I think our friendship is more important and I'm trying not to continue to isolate.

The third friend is someone I don't know VERY well but was starting to get close to. She just opened her own gym and invited me to be a vendor at her Grand Opening. I was all ready when she told me (via e-mail) that I could come to the event but not sell anything. She just wanted me to be "entertainment." I probably would have been okay with that if she would have told me the week before! Instead she filled me in on all the details by text messages and e-mail. How RUDE! I felt rather taken advantage of and manipulated. I've had enough of that in my life from family, I don't need it from friends! I went to her class tonight, all pumped up and ready to tell her off if she so much as looked at me funny. I spent a good hour rehearsing what I would say to her. When I got there, she was fine. I am glad I didn't "let it rip" but I don't feel much better. Why do I feel guilty? I didn't do anything wrong but I feel like I owe her an apology or something. I feel as if I really did tell her off. I feel like I'm taking advantage of her. I REALLY don't understand that!

I just feel so hopeless and lonely today. It's like I keep thinking ... life gets continually more difficult then we die.... Morbid, huh?

Where's my motivation? Where's my purpose? Where's my joy? Where's the damn crown God promised as "his little princess?" Where's my night in shining armor? What's my fairytale ending? Why isn't anything ever good enough?