Chaos

There has been considerable chaos in my system lately. I am growing more and more each day but I feel like there are so many things against me in this world. Not in a paranoid manner just a " life must go on" kind of way. At times it gets very disappointing and I find myself desperate and even entertaining suicidal thoughts briefly as I feel hopeless.

I have made some breakthroughs recently with my therapist but everything seems to be going so much slower. Im getting very frustrated. I find many of my parts are activated from everything going on. I have a bunch of external as well and internal issues arising, resulting in this chaos. Does anyone else get frustrated at the speed of your therapeutic progress?

I cant help but feel a bit desperate or reactive at this time. Maybe it's a Christmas thing too. There is always so much going on this time of year. I wish we could spread christmas out over the entire year or at least several months so it's not such a big ordeal!

I went to this group this past week that was very triggering on many levels for many parts. I can't seem to shake the effects of this therapy group, specifically the therapist. She, like so many other people in my life, crossed my boundaries and I felt helpless to change anything. I couldn't stop her. I'm angry at her but I just end up taking it out on myself or my friends. I want to yell and scream at her but I feel like I was the one that was wrong. Why do I internalize all of this sooooooooo much? I get upset and angry that I'm upset and angry!

How crazy is that!?! And the even crazier part is that I still want to go back! Is this masochism? Is it just what I'm used to? There WAS good that came out of the group too. Maybe I want to return for the good parts. I hope so.

I need to learn some better boundary lines if I go back though. I dont want to spend another week sad, anxious and irittable over it. So many of my parts were triggered that I still haven't been able to dialogue about it. All my parts are just screaming like a giant chorus of deamons. ... Not that my parts are evil but it's just this loud terrible sound of everyone trying to get heard.... Maybe a better analogy is like what you would hear as you want into a cafeteria or food court.... A loud mess of noise but no distinguishable words!

Black Swan

I just saw the movie Black Swan. My mind is racing. I have to wonder if I'm slightly similar to the Nina in the movie. Are my parts slowly driving me mad?

Swan Lake has always been my favorite ballet. The music, the movement, the story ... it's beautiful. But it's pretty twisted when we really analyze it.....

Basic plot:

Young, innocent, beautiful girl is put under a spell by an evil wizard so that he can control her. She's only allowed to take human form at night, while by day she's a swan. She falls in love with a prince who "mistakenly" pledges his love to the evil wizard's daughter. The girl then commits suicide to avoid the tragedy of his "mistake."

In the movie I just saw with Natalie Portman, she gets the staring role in the ballet and basically goes crazy. She cannot handle the duality of the role as she has to tap into her "dark side." I am always wondering what I will discover as I get to know more of my parts, especially the scary ones. Will they overtake me? Am I really me? What do they know that I don't?

I've been working a lot with my little parts lately and it's very painful. The deep hurt they feel is hard to bare. Something came up recently about my old therapist. I was so attached to her, the Little Ones were so attached. I can hardly stand to hear her name. I don't know how to get her out of my head and now she's infiltrated my dreams. When will it stop?!?!

Attached and Hurting

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to think about two of my old therapists without crying. I even start to think about my current therapist and want to cry for the day I will have to say goodbye. I fear that’s going to be soon as I might be taking a pay cut.

My attachment issues are very deep seated. I can’t believe how upset I am today and since Friday over two of my old therapists. I will call them Beth-Anne and Dawn.

Beth-Anne, I saw for about 3 years from 2003 to 2006. I saw her from the time I returned to school after a medical withdraw to the time I went into residential treatment and then about 6 months after treatment. It was a very hard time for me. I looked forward to my time with Beth-Anne.

She had a way of portraying to me that I’m not crazy. She’s also the only person I’ve ever met (and very well may be the only person I will ever meet) who REALLY understood my family situation. :’( I am sooooooooooo sad not to have her in my life. She’s such a great person: funny, insightful, silly, loving, confident.

When I had to stop seeing her professionally I tried to be friends with her. We e-mail several times and went to a play together. Then she e-mailed me one day that she couldn’t spend any more time with me because of ethical reasons. I felt so betrayed, alone and heart-broken. Why did it affect me so much? It’s 4 years later and I am still heart-broken. I don’t feel like anyone could understand this pain. When I tell people, they look at me as if I’m crazy.

About a year ago, I severed all contact with her. I decided it wasn’t emotionally safe to e-mail her every now and then or see her on facebook. I wrote her an e-mail explaining several things and wishing her well. I hoped this would give me some closure. Friday, I saw someone who looked like she could be Beth-Anne’s sister. I’m in a group with her so I have to see her often. Looking at this woman hurts. And days later, it still hurts.

Dawn, I saw for about 2 or 3 years (approximately 2007 to 2009). I decided that I wanted to see her almost a year before I started seeing her. From the first few minutes I talked to her over the phone, I knew she was the therapist God sent me to get better.

She was like my Angel and even looked like an Angel. She had a soft voice, friendly sky blue eyes, flowing blond hair and a very nurturing demeanor. She was very expensive for me so I had to wait until I got a better job. I saw her from about a year after I moved back to Orlando with my parents after another suicide gesture and a medical leave from work, to the point where I enrolled in her Intensive Outpatient Program.

When I finished a month in IOP, she and I had a disagreement about finances and I decided not to see her anymore. I was furious by her accusing me of trying to take advantage of her and the fact that she had never worked with me over finances. I was so confused by why God would take her away from me but I had spent all my money on this IOP and couldn’t pay my bills. It did not end well.

About a month after I stopped seeing her, I asked to start seeing her again. She agreed but when we went to schedule appointments she couldn’t fit me into her schedule. I was making all kinds of sacrifices (financially and time-wise) but I just wasn’t important enough to her.

I’m still dealing with the insurance company on a claim for the IOP program and I have to mail her something today. I looked up her address on her website. Her picture was posted and her blue eyes were piercing. I don’t think I want to see her anymore because we had a sort of “love / hate” relationship and she’s very strict about time and money. My feelings toward her were always very intense and much of the time I would be angry over some challenge or ultimatum she was giving me. I just can’t shake her from my thoughts. I wish I had never met her. Then I wish all I could do is see her again. My heart longs for her... or what she gave me but I don't even know what that was.

I’m guessing I got slightly enmeshed or codependent or something with both of them. These two examples are the strongest examples I have of my attachment disorder. It’s years later and the pain has not subsided. Why not? How do I hold on to these pains? Will they ever go away?

Fun

I've been tasked with having fun this weekend. It sounds simple and easy enough. Who knew fun was so subjective!

I was in my therapist's office yesterday, who gave me the "assignment," and I had trouble with it even before I left the office. Is TV fun? Is taking down wallpaper fun? Is finshing paperwork that's been looming over me fun? Is seeing a ballet fun?



I don't even know what FUN is anymore? How can that be? Everything has been distorted. It's just like food. One cookie is okay: tastes good, provides some enjoyment, etc. Twenty cookies bring on emotional and physical pain. This would lead me to believe balance is key. Balance is NO EASY feat. I kept asking my therapist what could be considered fun? I used TV as the example. I often feel like TV is a waste but I spend so much time in front of it. TV provides a much needed break at times, as well as some entertainment but when I've been sitting there for hours I feel physical and emotional pain.

I ended up going to the ballet last night. I enjoyed it but for me it's like an alcoholic taking the first drink. One is never enough. I always want more. I miss dancing more than any other loss in my life. Watching ballet leads me to want to dance again and then I can never get enough. But it IS fun.

Today I slept VERY late, mostly because I was up surfing the web about dancing. I decided to watch "a little" TV before getting my day started. That was almost 6 hours ago and now I've given up. I have soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much I need to do. It's another wasted weekend. Mom wants me to come over for dinner but I don't feel like I deserve it. I feel fat, useless, unworthy, tired, gross.

The need to not feel like this drives me to constantly go, go, go. Then I get overly tired and back to this spot or I give up entirely because I can't seem to make any difference anyway.

I'm in a very sad place right now. I am having immense trouble with my parts, relationships, ED. I don't want to promote this pain to anyone reading. The goal of this blog and in my life is recovery, health, balance. I'm struggling with all that myself right now though.