Black Swan

I just saw the movie Black Swan. My mind is racing. I have to wonder if I'm slightly similar to the Nina in the movie. Are my parts slowly driving me mad?

Swan Lake has always been my favorite ballet. The music, the movement, the story ... it's beautiful. But it's pretty twisted when we really analyze it.....

Basic plot:

Young, innocent, beautiful girl is put under a spell by an evil wizard so that he can control her. She's only allowed to take human form at night, while by day she's a swan. She falls in love with a prince who "mistakenly" pledges his love to the evil wizard's daughter. The girl then commits suicide to avoid the tragedy of his "mistake."

In the movie I just saw with Natalie Portman, she gets the staring role in the ballet and basically goes crazy. She cannot handle the duality of the role as she has to tap into her "dark side." I am always wondering what I will discover as I get to know more of my parts, especially the scary ones. Will they overtake me? Am I really me? What do they know that I don't?

I've been working a lot with my little parts lately and it's very painful. The deep hurt they feel is hard to bare. Something came up recently about my old therapist. I was so attached to her, the Little Ones were so attached. I can hardly stand to hear her name. I don't know how to get her out of my head and now she's infiltrated my dreams. When will it stop?!?!

Fun

I've been tasked with having fun this weekend. It sounds simple and easy enough. Who knew fun was so subjective!

I was in my therapist's office yesterday, who gave me the "assignment," and I had trouble with it even before I left the office. Is TV fun? Is taking down wallpaper fun? Is finshing paperwork that's been looming over me fun? Is seeing a ballet fun?



I don't even know what FUN is anymore? How can that be? Everything has been distorted. It's just like food. One cookie is okay: tastes good, provides some enjoyment, etc. Twenty cookies bring on emotional and physical pain. This would lead me to believe balance is key. Balance is NO EASY feat. I kept asking my therapist what could be considered fun? I used TV as the example. I often feel like TV is a waste but I spend so much time in front of it. TV provides a much needed break at times, as well as some entertainment but when I've been sitting there for hours I feel physical and emotional pain.

I ended up going to the ballet last night. I enjoyed it but for me it's like an alcoholic taking the first drink. One is never enough. I always want more. I miss dancing more than any other loss in my life. Watching ballet leads me to want to dance again and then I can never get enough. But it IS fun.

Today I slept VERY late, mostly because I was up surfing the web about dancing. I decided to watch "a little" TV before getting my day started. That was almost 6 hours ago and now I've given up. I have soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much I need to do. It's another wasted weekend. Mom wants me to come over for dinner but I don't feel like I deserve it. I feel fat, useless, unworthy, tired, gross.

The need to not feel like this drives me to constantly go, go, go. Then I get overly tired and back to this spot or I give up entirely because I can't seem to make any difference anyway.

I'm in a very sad place right now. I am having immense trouble with my parts, relationships, ED. I don't want to promote this pain to anyone reading. The goal of this blog and in my life is recovery, health, balance. I'm struggling with all that myself right now though.