Chaos

There has been considerable chaos in my system lately. I am growing more and more each day but I feel like there are so many things against me in this world. Not in a paranoid manner just a " life must go on" kind of way. At times it gets very disappointing and I find myself desperate and even entertaining suicidal thoughts briefly as I feel hopeless.

I have made some breakthroughs recently with my therapist but everything seems to be going so much slower. Im getting very frustrated. I find many of my parts are activated from everything going on. I have a bunch of external as well and internal issues arising, resulting in this chaos. Does anyone else get frustrated at the speed of your therapeutic progress?

I cant help but feel a bit desperate or reactive at this time. Maybe it's a Christmas thing too. There is always so much going on this time of year. I wish we could spread christmas out over the entire year or at least several months so it's not such a big ordeal!

I went to this group this past week that was very triggering on many levels for many parts. I can't seem to shake the effects of this therapy group, specifically the therapist. She, like so many other people in my life, crossed my boundaries and I felt helpless to change anything. I couldn't stop her. I'm angry at her but I just end up taking it out on myself or my friends. I want to yell and scream at her but I feel like I was the one that was wrong. Why do I internalize all of this sooooooooo much? I get upset and angry that I'm upset and angry!

How crazy is that!?! And the even crazier part is that I still want to go back! Is this masochism? Is it just what I'm used to? There WAS good that came out of the group too. Maybe I want to return for the good parts. I hope so.

I need to learn some better boundary lines if I go back though. I dont want to spend another week sad, anxious and irittable over it. So many of my parts were triggered that I still haven't been able to dialogue about it. All my parts are just screaming like a giant chorus of deamons. ... Not that my parts are evil but it's just this loud terrible sound of everyone trying to get heard.... Maybe a better analogy is like what you would hear as you want into a cafeteria or food court.... A loud mess of noise but no distinguishable words!