D.I.D.

I was shocked this past week when I had to undergo an evaluation with my therapist in order to address an insurance issue. My insurance company asked to review my case for medical necessity, which basically means they are trying to cut off coverage for therapy.

I've been through all kinds of emotions over this but I didn't expect the latest turn of events.

I've always said that I deal with a fairly normal level of multiplicity. I always believed I am segregated into parts but in a more normal way. After having to review the diagnosis with my therapist, I have come to believe I truly have Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.). I kind of always wondered since my parts seem to have totally different lives then me at times. Faced with the actual diagnosis on paper and being shared with other people is an entirely different story.

I'm not worried about the work I do with my therapist. I trust her and do not believe that will change. She was actually very reluctant to do this evaluation but I asked her in order to try to get further insurance coverage. I feel very alone though now. I don't guess it's a common diagnosis and fear that people will think I'm crazy. My therapist gave me the choice to not include it in the report, which was kind of her but if it's true then why wouldn't it go into the report. She also diagnosed me with a couple other things. The only one that shocked me was Borderline Personality Disorder. I can't imagine actually telling people I have this. I really feel crazy.

To make it even worse, many of my parts are very activated. They seem to be in some sort of uproar. Sure, I have lots of other stuff going on recently too but it's just not a good time. On one hand its kind of nice to have a name for my issues but I feel like a freak. I'm sorry if anyone reading this also has these issues. I am sure I would never even think this way if someone else told me the same thing. It's hard to look in the mirror at myself without feeling like I've changed in some sort of way. I know I'm the same person but I feel ... Shame. Has anyone else deal with this?

The final straw broke me when I realized my therapist isn't the only one who sees me this way. I went to a psychiatrist recently for some general anxiety issues as well as to see if she could help with the insurance issues. Without hardly any information from me and NONE from my therapist, the psychiatrist gave me the same basic diagnoses. How could that be? I don't even talk to her about parts. I hardly ever see her. It's actually been over two years since I've seen her and she ALSO thinks I'm crazy!

I'm very conflicted and worried about what this could mean. I always wanted to feel special and different but not in this way. I feel slightly lost and can't tell anyone. Actually I've tried to tell people but my support network seems to be all dealing with their own crises. Why don't I matter enough?

Hurting,
Us