Attachment / Relationship Addiction

One of the many issues I struggle with is abandonment which has lead to attachment disorders and relationship addiction.

I have found a pattern in my relationships. My relationship addiction does not come in the form of romantic relationships. I can string together my life by the people I "attach" to. I seem to hop from one mother-replacement figure to another. I've known this about myself for several years now but can't seem to change the behavior. I HATE THIS ABOUT MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!

I have spent much of the day angry at myself, no LIVID at myself because I have identified my next "mother / mentor figure." It's really very much out of my control. I don't seem to understand what I'm doing until it's done and my next "victim" is all I can think about. I feel like a vampire, sucking the life out of the people who are nice to me.

I want to stop doing this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

These aren't people that I have any real relationship with though... well, sometimes it is but that's only when I've done enough to get them to "take care of me." It's very codependent and manipulative and I CAN'T STAND IT! The realization that I have done it again has really got me depressed. I just want to die! I shouldn't be allowed to be around people. I want to kill myself. The world would be a better place without me. I feel so sorry for the people I put in this position. It's not fair to them.

I seem to attach to very similar people each time, too. One of the first people I remember was a Christian camp counselor. I had this intense conversation with her then kept calling her after the camp to try and hang out.... She was probably in her late 20's and I was only in 6th grade. The other women have been people like dance teachers, school teachers, my old sponsor, a couple therapists... the list goes on. It's pathetic, shameful and excruciating. These woman usually (but not always) have the same kind of characteristics. They are generally older than me, pretty, average size, smart, nurturing, helpful and many times have dark, curly hair. What does this all mean? Most importantly, how do I stop doing this?

The general pattern looks something like this:
-I'm sad or lonely and start a new program of some kind
-I find a woman who is kind enough to listen to my problems
-This woman is helpful and caring
-I want to be around her all the time
-I start thinking about her much of the day: harmless things like, what I want to tell her about a particular incident or wondering what she would think about something
-I start crossing into calling her or e-mailing her more than I know a normal relationship would at this particular point
-I start to read too much into her responses and feel hurt when she doesn't get back to me soon enough or give me the attention I want
-My expectations for her become far greater than any one person can take on
-This period may last as short as a couple weeks to as long as a couple years until eventually I am let down enough times that I get so angry that I end it or she realizes that I have become a "leach" and leaves me

This cycle is self perpetuating as it continues to create the strong sense of abandonment and loneliness thus spurring me toward someone else to "fill me up."

Lord, please make it stop!

Attached and Hurting

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to think about two of my old therapists without crying. I even start to think about my current therapist and want to cry for the day I will have to say goodbye. I fear that’s going to be soon as I might be taking a pay cut.

My attachment issues are very deep seated. I can’t believe how upset I am today and since Friday over two of my old therapists. I will call them Beth-Anne and Dawn.

Beth-Anne, I saw for about 3 years from 2003 to 2006. I saw her from the time I returned to school after a medical withdraw to the time I went into residential treatment and then about 6 months after treatment. It was a very hard time for me. I looked forward to my time with Beth-Anne.

She had a way of portraying to me that I’m not crazy. She’s also the only person I’ve ever met (and very well may be the only person I will ever meet) who REALLY understood my family situation. :’( I am sooooooooooo sad not to have her in my life. She’s such a great person: funny, insightful, silly, loving, confident.

When I had to stop seeing her professionally I tried to be friends with her. We e-mail several times and went to a play together. Then she e-mailed me one day that she couldn’t spend any more time with me because of ethical reasons. I felt so betrayed, alone and heart-broken. Why did it affect me so much? It’s 4 years later and I am still heart-broken. I don’t feel like anyone could understand this pain. When I tell people, they look at me as if I’m crazy.

About a year ago, I severed all contact with her. I decided it wasn’t emotionally safe to e-mail her every now and then or see her on facebook. I wrote her an e-mail explaining several things and wishing her well. I hoped this would give me some closure. Friday, I saw someone who looked like she could be Beth-Anne’s sister. I’m in a group with her so I have to see her often. Looking at this woman hurts. And days later, it still hurts.

Dawn, I saw for about 2 or 3 years (approximately 2007 to 2009). I decided that I wanted to see her almost a year before I started seeing her. From the first few minutes I talked to her over the phone, I knew she was the therapist God sent me to get better.

She was like my Angel and even looked like an Angel. She had a soft voice, friendly sky blue eyes, flowing blond hair and a very nurturing demeanor. She was very expensive for me so I had to wait until I got a better job. I saw her from about a year after I moved back to Orlando with my parents after another suicide gesture and a medical leave from work, to the point where I enrolled in her Intensive Outpatient Program.

When I finished a month in IOP, she and I had a disagreement about finances and I decided not to see her anymore. I was furious by her accusing me of trying to take advantage of her and the fact that she had never worked with me over finances. I was so confused by why God would take her away from me but I had spent all my money on this IOP and couldn’t pay my bills. It did not end well.

About a month after I stopped seeing her, I asked to start seeing her again. She agreed but when we went to schedule appointments she couldn’t fit me into her schedule. I was making all kinds of sacrifices (financially and time-wise) but I just wasn’t important enough to her.

I’m still dealing with the insurance company on a claim for the IOP program and I have to mail her something today. I looked up her address on her website. Her picture was posted and her blue eyes were piercing. I don’t think I want to see her anymore because we had a sort of “love / hate” relationship and she’s very strict about time and money. My feelings toward her were always very intense and much of the time I would be angry over some challenge or ultimatum she was giving me. I just can’t shake her from my thoughts. I wish I had never met her. Then I wish all I could do is see her again. My heart longs for her... or what she gave me but I don't even know what that was.

I’m guessing I got slightly enmeshed or codependent or something with both of them. These two examples are the strongest examples I have of my attachment disorder. It’s years later and the pain has not subsided. Why not? How do I hold on to these pains? Will they ever go away?