We're Back

My father left town yesterday night.... it made an entire week he was here visiting. It was getting pretty bad. He's a VERY odd man! He's manipulative, immature, irresponsible and just plain out of touch with reality.

I have lived with the FEAR of having to support him in the near future since I was 10 years old. I really don't know another option, since he is not married, has no other children and absolutely NO savings. Just in the last week, he turned my life upside down. How can I possibly have him live with me for good!

My house is still a disaster from his stay here but I haven't had the energy to clean up. I keep looking around and reliving all the crazy shit he said or did. I REALLY need to clean it all up. How is it that a grown man can't clean up after himself? I mean... TRASH is everywhere! Who can't even throw TRASH away?

My parts were not safe with him here. I tried to bring Logic out to deal with his illogical-ness but despite her strength in supporting my other parts, she's not a "front runner." The stronger parts (Victoria, The Protector, etc.) will take cues from her but they are the real ones in control. This past week though, I have not really been able to differentiate between my parts. There has been this general haze of dissociation surrounding all my thoughts. (My therapist believes that is probably a good thing right now.) I've been very robotic and "fenced." One might call that closed off but it's a little different. I've been in survival mode and whatever part or parts that operate there just kind of put the other ones in a cage and set them to sleep so we don't get hurt. Can anyone relate to what I'm saying?

I've felt much chaos among myself and my parts. The parts that are easily hurt couldn't be fully protected in that cage so they would randomly awaken and cry out from the sting of my father's actions and words. That's when the system would go into panic and safety mode. A couple times the system wasn't ready for Dad's blow and the angry parts would retaliate. The anger is getting stronger. I can tell because I would never have talked back to my dad before. Or maybe the moderator is getting more tired or some part has decided not to close the anger off. Either way, there were at least 3 times that I YELLED at my dad. Then the guilt sets in.

As far as my ED symptoms go, I gave in a few times. It was very impulsive. When I found myself with a moment to purge (when dad was far enough away to not hear) I did. I felt better. It intensified the fog of numbness and that was okay for then. It was not a good time to FEEL. I'm not happy with these slips but I understand the need my system had to numb out.

Three incidents stick out in my mind from his visit. They were all small and seemingly insignificant by my brain has decided to recall them over and other. The Car, The Restroom and The Irritation.

The Car:
I was driving in a parking lot of a big store (it may have been Target). My dad was sitting next to me. (First mistake.... apparently my dad is the best driver in the world so he feels the need to critique... I mean teach... me how to drive.) ;) I am not a confident driver. I hesitate and wait much more than just going for it. I had come to the end of a lane and was trying to pull out and drive to the right. A large truck had decided to turn into the lane I was pulling out of. That moment happened when neither driver could decide if we would both fit without hurting the other car. I stopped. The truck stopped. My dad yelled! He said, "Go go go go go, you need to go, go go go, he wants you to go first. You can't stop like that. GO!!!" I froze. My dad's relentless words and demands had caused my system to panic. Someone inside me yelled, "STOP DOING THAT! DON'T TELL ME HOW TO DRIVE. DO YOU WANT TO DRIVE?" My dad said nothing. I drove on. We were both silent. I don't remember where we went next but it was awkward. We both acted like it hadn't happened. After that he was less opinionated on my driving for about 2 days.... a lot of good that outburst did me!

The Restroom:
First, I had been driving my dad around all day and most of the week, as he did not know the area. We got to Walmart, which is NOT my favorite place to go, simply due to the crowds I generally encounter. (There always seem to be people in my way or people I am in the way of and they aren't generally nice about it.) We had to return a couple items. As we stood in line at customer service, I decided to go to the restroom. It was about 5 feet from where we stood. I told my dad I would be right back. He said, "Well, where will I meet you? I'll be done here in a few minutes and it will take you at least 10 minutes, probably more, before you get back." I thought, REALLY? Are you kidding? You can't let me pee, while we've been doing EVERYTHING you want to do? Instead I said, "We can just meet right here." He said, "But I could go ahead and get a few things instead of wait. What if you can't find me?" I thought, What!? Can't you stand still for 5 minutes? Are you completely disregarding my request to meet here? Instead I said, "If you get done before me and I can't find you. I'll just wait here." How disrespectful! I think the emotion I felt was hurt and maybe unappreciated.

The Irritation:
Driving, yet again. (You should probably know that I really don't like to drive in general. I avoid it whenever I can. My dream is to have a chauffeur.) I also had not eaten even close to enough food for my day up to that point. It was 3pm and I had only had a cliff bar. That's about 2 meals less than my body needs at that time of day. (My father doesn't eat.... Or rather, he eats almost nothing all day until he binges at night.) I had been craving Taco Bell (a guilty pleasure). I had just driven my dad to THREE places to try and find these special oranges that he likes. We struck out every time. I was on my way to Taco Bell at this point. I had already started planning a binge / purge and was plenty anxious about having to do that in front of my dad or figuring out how to hide it. I got in this tangled mess of driving where I had to make about 3 u-turns (something that totally pisses me off when driving). Due to my blood sugar extreme low, I got VERY irritated. I was on the edge of completely blowing up. I was talking about what was irritating me, I think, but I don't remember what I said. Then my dad said, "You know if you would breath more you wouldn't get so angry. Just a couple deep breaths and it will all just melt away." I thought, Is this really the time for that dad!? You had to bring that up now!? I'm actually irritated because you haven't let me eat all day and by blood sugar is dangerously low for the exercising and activity of carting your ass around all day. That's like telling a person in the midst of a heart attack they should exercise more instead of calling 911!!!!! I said nothing. I continued on my drive to Taco Bell. As the planning of my binge became entirely impossible with my Dad right there, I got even more irritated. I said, "I don't want Taco Bell anymore." I turned around and drove home. In silence. I made something at home to eat then fell asleep. I let dad pack up and do what he needed to do without my help.

I've made the choice to love my dad and continue in relationship with him but days like yesterday really make me re-evaluate.

Sorry if I have any readers that have been waiting for more information. Thank you for your patience.