FREAKOUT / SHUTDOWN

First, a little background:

My father is a very damaged person. He's had a lot of weird shit happen in his life. Because of that, he's kind of a toxic person. I love him and have made the decision (several times) to continue in a relationship with him, despite the many friends and therapists who advise against it.

He's coming in town this weekend. He's scheduled to be here the same day I have therapy. For some reason that totally messes with my head and emotions. Today I talked to my therapist to figure out what to do. Do I skip a week? (Not what I want to do since the intense session last week.) Do I ask to see her for a longer period in order to have cushion room to ease in and out of the harder topics? Do I reschedule for a different time of the day or day of the week?

I ended up talking to her while at work to figure this out. We decided to have an extended period. Not good on the budget but worth the progress I've been making. I work in a high stress and no privacy job. After the call here's what I "felt." I could barley function so I sat at my desk and typed so it would look like I was working.


Soooooo stressed out my body is shaking, my heart is going to beat out of it’s chest, can’t see well, don’t want to breath, diarrhea, thirsty, don’t want to move… obviously can’t type well. (I made all sorts of typos -- fixed as of now.) Every muscle is tense.

Just got off the phone with Therapist. I don’t like having to talk to her at work. I don’t feel in control. How can I go from being in charge in the kick ass meeting to not knowing when to schedule an appointment? Back and forth, back and forth…..

Face hot, hands cold

Staring

Drifting away

Feel like I’m going to throw up

Brain not working

Who is this person?

What am I scared about? Dad? Having him here all together or having to see therapist while he’s here?

Impending doom … but from what?

I hate this anxiety…………………. It needs to stop

There are no safe places!

Job --- too much to do

Am I wrong? Am I messing up? Mike’s here. I have performance review Thursday

Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone

Hear everything

Want to be smaller --- disappear

Just want to die

Things don’t seem real --- head hurts

I’m moving so slow and don’t know how I’m moving at all

Not an option

Hungry … starving …

Screaming inside and crying

What’s wrong?

I hurt. I’m sad. I can’t deal. I need a break. Lord, help me. Take me away. Save me.

She is a healthy baby girl. ----- episode of House in my head and pictures of myself as a child.

Have to eat soon… can barley move, don’t want anything … can’t burden work friend with this.
Where do I go? What do I do? I can’t move. I want to die. I want to hide. Leave me alone!

Have to take a pill.

Last one……….ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Everything hurts


There were several "voices" or parts speaking in that mess but I have little understanding at this point who is who. They were going in and out or maybe there was just one that deals with that panicked state.