Title Origins

The title of this blog came from an e-mail I sent to my therapist recently. See it below:

Dear Therapist

First: My symptoms have gone down to purging about 3 times a week. I also stopped weighing myself. I'm eating fairly regularly - as in 3 - 4 meals a day.

I started reading the book "When Rabbit Howls." Once I write this e-mail to you, I'm going to put it away until we talk again, at least. I've been pouring over it. It's a book about Truddi chase - a woman with 92 personalities. A counselor in Renfrew suggested I read it when I was there. Four years later I got to it. I'm on page 86 out of 370. I'm becoming engrossed in it. The similarities between this woman and myself are staggeringly alarming. I read for half my day yesterday. I took notes as I went, after I realized it was almost like reading about myself.

Here are my notes:

All of the these things I DO NOT share in common with "Truddi"
-Truddi says she has very few memories. I have a good amount of memories and have not lost much time throughout my life. I have moments where time seems to speed up and slow down in the same moments. I only have a handful of incidents where I completely checked out, like the one when I was driving last Sunday evening, a few times when I had to look through the trash to see what I had eaten the night before, a couple periods in Renfrew and about 3 months I'm told I lived with my grandmother. I've been working on an autobiography off and on and it's pretty long so I must remember most things. At this point I don't remember what I wrote in it though. I think it's close to 30 pages typed and I don't really know how I filled up that much. When writing it my memories are not linear. I can't just write what happened from as far back as I remember to now. I write a few things and end up slipping them into the approximate sequence afterward.


ALL of these things I share in common with "Truddi"
-I feel out of control most of the time. Very distanced
-I have trouble finding "safe" places, even imaginary ones
-I run away from many people and situations
-I write LOTS --- journals and journals
-My "parts" are mean to me and yell at me sometimes
-I have enormous amounts of shame, guilt fear and anxiety
-I don't respond to meds
-I have severe headaches --- sometimes without pain
-I can go through several ranges of emotions within minutes
-I often want to disappear or "go away"
-I have intense "sexual uncomfort" as well as conflicting sexual preoccupation as a small child (I knew about sex at age 2)
-I have a near inability to truly trust or sustain relationships
-I have intuitively been drawn to dialoging
-I never really believed I have DID but Truddi didn't know until in her 40s
-I often get that "bigger than myself" feeling
-I often ask "am I crazy" or just believe I am
-I have layers of defenses
-My "parts / personalities / people" don't want their names shared most of the time
-I have much fear of punishment
-FEAR FEAR FEAR
-There is a sense that therapy = something bad is going to happen and I'm going to find out more than I can handle (this book has given me the same feeling - one or maybe three of my parts TOLD me not to read this book
-Truddi says she hates chairs and won't sit in one during therapy. She says they are confining. I think the same way about shoes, necklaces and having my hair down during therapy. I call it my "therapy posture."
-I'm extremely easily startled / very jumpy
-I keep window shades drawn - Have you noticed that when we are in Sandy's room, when you leave the room before session to do something I pull the shades down?
-I am perfectionistic and successful in the world's eyes - very much so for a 27 year old single woman
-I have times where I'm afraid to leave the house, leave my couch even --- this is very conflicting from the above statement
-I am always questioning the motives of other people and generally pessimistic --- I think people are only motivated by their own needs and wants, yet other days I recall having so many good thoughts about humanity
-I have incredible energy (when I'm not frozen) --- especially when I was in college. I used to get home at 3 in the morning then get to a 7 am class
-I don't trust or believe myself and can NEVER make up my mind in a timely manner
-I often feel numb and like there is some impending doom
-One of my parts knows about another one of my parts but will not speak about him. Both of these parts are very strong parts
-As a child I had places in my house I was scared of. I never wanted to be in there alone. I used to think there were ghosts in this one house I lived in.
-Since I was about 7 or maybe it was 9 I sense different parts of me
-My 1st grade teacher had a discussion with my mom and I about my "day dreaming." I used to sit in class just staring at the wall or ceiling I guess. My teacher told me that every time I would catch myself drifting away I would have to make a tic mark on my page
-I don't usually expect what I see in the mirror and it semi-changes from day to day
-I have the sense that there are things I don't remember in my life but ... what? when? who?
-I forget things within minutes --- I generally think of them again later but I have had to get myself to repeat things over and over until I get someone if I need to do something. Example: If I need to get three things at the grocery for a dinner I want to make. I repeat the three things over and over and over until I have them all in the cart.
-This has also lead to numerous lists and schedules. So many in my life that I could wallpaper my house at least 5 times over with them.
-I simply CAN'T memorize. I know my phone number and address and a few other things but can't memorize other things. I did well in math, with all those formulas but the only reason I did well is because I learned how to derive the formulas all the time. I've been trying to memorize scripture verses for years. I can't. I have much trouble with spelling too... which is kind of memorization.
-I second guess myself constantly and don't make decisions well
-I HATE to drive b/c I don't generally know where I am or where I'm going. I get lost EVERY time I go somewhere new and usually for a few more times after that.
-I have the sensation of floating regularly. Of watching myself.
-I'm always losing things that I find in places I didn't realize I put them. This has lead to a need for routine places for things, like my keys always go in the same spot. Before I had that I used to start looking for my keys hours before I left the house.
-I am hypercritical
-I can't remember dates (of almost anything, past, present or future - they just don't make sense)
-I have interest and aptitude in very conflicting things: ex: math and art
-Truddi says she has noticed "sporadic awareness that had been stirred up lately." I TOTALLY have that. I think this is the feeling I get when my "parts" want to talk. It's kind of an intense searching for what's just under the surface.
-The last item is the most interesting one: Truddi has trouble with sort of emitting energy. When she spends much time with electronics they sort of break or malfunction. She says in the prologue it's b/c people in general have a certain amount of energy and when more than on person is present the energy multiplies. I can't wear a watch b/c the battery dies and the time doesn't stay regular. I've gone through 7 cell phones in the past 2 years b/c they just break. I've "fried" every computer I've ever had, even the ones at work that have tons of anti-virus and can't even download anything.

I'm sort of piecing things together like a detective. If I have symptoms XYZ then I have disorder XYZ. I need you to help me with some elimination. I want you to tell me that I, beyond a shadow of a doubt, 100% do not have DID. Or I want you to tell me that you aren't sure and it's worth exploring. If you think I have it then that's fine to know now too but the thing I really want to know is if I DON'T have it so I can stop thinking I do, if it's not a possibility. Saying I DON'T have it is not saying I DO. I know there is this continuum in many issues but at what point does a person draw the line and decide there is enough proof then not? So if you do not believe I have D.I.D. then what explains all of the above? I'm sure there are many explanations but what fits the best? What fits them ALL? I didn't want to spring this on you during session without time to think about it but I really need to know what YOU think about all this. I just want to KNOW. I'm locking my book away for now.

Concerned and Inquisitive,

After I sent that e-mail, I locked the book away. When I talked with my therapist, we put the idea of DID away for good. My symptoms and behaviors are not multiple personalities but I think I had to be sure of that before I started really diving into my parts. I don't think there are many people that do this kind of therapy work so I feel it's important to share with the world.