Note to Pastor

Below is a note I wrote to my Pastor today:


Pastor

I know you get tons of e-mail so I'm honored and glad you're reading mine. I'll be as to the point as I can. We've met a few times in the church lobby. Most of the time when I have some burning question that comes from a very hurt place.

I LOVE your family moments. For whatever reason, the family moments I remember with my earth family have not been positive, nurturing or safe. I grew up in a Catholic family with an Irish influence. The first time I realized that you pray for the church as they process to communion, I wept. I couldn't believe a pastor would pray for a congregation when "grace" had always been another form of applying guilt to the misbehaving family member. Meals have always been rough. We ALWAYS ate together but never communed. Not surprisingly I developed an eating disorder.

I've also been diagnosed with half the disorders in that DSM book. I don't give them much attention if I can help it. There's been adjustment disorder, panic disorder, eating disorder, PTSD.... you name it. I know THAT's not who I AM. As you've been saying, "I am ... not myself." I sure HOPE not. I'm a very lonely person. I have tons of "issues" but there is one that has been weighing heavier lately. I am a survivor of "some bad things." Things that aren't important in detail, except to say they were EVIL. God could NOT have been there. I broke and part of me died because of "those things." I continue to ask the age old question ... Why? Could God REALLY have engineered and let those things happen? How can I trust, love and believe a God who abandoned me then? I've heard all the stories and read several books on this topic but it just doesn't fit. I don't want to depend on people for the things God can only provide but neither people NOR God have proven dependable. I struggle daily, hourly and sometimes breath to breath with this insecurity and pain.

I walked forward today and recited my wedding vows with God. I cried. Not for joy but fear and loss. Will that be the only time I say those? I don't want to hurt other people with my neediness. I desperately want to believe He has my best interests in mind and loves me and can provide. I've been a Christian for 12 years (from the age of 16). I volunteer in the book store and am a 1st responder but am I a hypocrite? I tell people things like "God is always with us" and "God will always take care of our needs" but I don't believe He does. I hurt more now than I may have ever hurt. I can't read my bible lately because I'm just so mad. I read the words and part of me thinks "Whatever.... maybe that works for someone!" I don't want to but how can I not? My life is mixed with periods of super productivity then complete frozen, inability to function.

I've done next to nothing to try to stay connected or find companionship because it never works out. I want desperately not to be alone. I want to be married and have children but at the same time I avoid relating. After so many years of falling when the bottom finally drops out, I don't think I will live through another abandon. I keep saying I need to do my own healing before I can be in a relationship of anything deep (man or woman, romantic or not) but when does that ever happen? I try to put God first and rely on Him alone but then life happens --- I'm an engineer working in a very demanding and terrible environment, and then there's my health and owning a home. I need some practical help here with priorities, maybe.

I don't really know what I need. I think I need hope, love and something to hold on to that doesn't make life harder. I need a BREAK but from what ... life? Please provide any advice you can. Sorry it was so long... I guess "to the point" and emotional pain don't really go together.

Tired,