Sex and Attraction

I've been running from anything to do with sex for years. I was raped twice in college and never had a healthy outlook on sex growing up in the first place. Most of the time I waver between a general unawareness of anything sexual and lack of desire to absolute disgust and terror about anything remotely sexual in nature. I am sad and disappointed that I do not get the priviledge of any kind of sexual contact. I haven't been on a date in about 8 to 10 years. I mourn this loss. I'm in the most exciting part of my life. All my friends are dating, getting married and having babies. I want those things but I cannot get there. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't even get asked out and rarely get any attention from men. My parts have a multitude of thoughts and fears about this topic. Some are terrified of attention from men. Others are curious. Others condemn the system for not being more social and dating. Others long for human contact and any acceptance from a man. Why don't men even like me? I've recently found myself attracted to men again. It was an amazing discovery! It was one of the best moments I've ever experienced in a therapy setting. I thought that "part" of me was dead; never to resurface again. I figured I would go through life with NO labido and NO interest in men. I had been hiding from myself the fact that I AM attracted to a man. It is scary but okay. He's not going to hurt me. I bairly even talk to him anyway so nothing is going to happen. He's not my type and would not be a good fit for me. None the less, I found myself actually attracted to him. I can't even tell you what this means because I am very blocked off from these feelings. To me it feels more like a general curiousity about him, awareness when he's around and slight nervousness. That's really it, but it's more than I've had in a LONG TIME. Even more recently, there is a SECOND man who has perked my interests. I have no idea what to do about this man. He seems to be a better fit for me so it's even more frightening! Again, I bairly talk to him and have NO CLUE how to move things along. I'm confused. My parts are very triggered. This is uncharted terretory. I'm reminded of the common phrase that used to be placed on maps when the world was still undiscovered and believed to be flat. At the edge of the map the phase "Here There Be Monsters" would basically indicate the unknown... that's dating and men and relationships for me! I found myself sitting next to him today. I was attempting to flirt with him but feeling very awkward and embaressed. One of my parts told me, "Why bother?! He's not going to like you anyway. He's so out of your league! You are fat and weird." I believe her. :( HELP!

Overwhelmed

I find myself endlessly tired and constantly overwhelmed. I don't know how it's possible but I don't ever seem to get a break. I don't understand. I'm learning to say no to invitations and I'm growing better boundaries. It seems like no matter how hard I try to get calm, clear moments, they just slip away into the chaos. Anyone else feel like this? I feel like the only way to live without crazy stuff going on, is to be completely reclusive. Here's an example so you can have something tangible: I run a group for women with eating disorders. I stopped some of the other groups and such. I've just been focusing on being a good leader for this group. In the past two weeks, I've had to deal with some tough situations there. One member of the group's health care provider asked the member to sign a consent agreement so the provider could talk to me..... Let that sink in..... I'm no more than a volunteer who runs a 12 step group. What do I say to a health care provider? I know this provider so I'm not so much worried about this particular incident but what if it was a provider I don't know? Another group member is dong so poorly, she may not make it. I don't like holding on to such a terrible reality. Yet I definatly feel led to help people recovery from eating disorders. This is only one example but there are at least 10 more that have happened over the past two weeks like this. What does it mean? Why can't I get a break? Am I doing this to myself? I'm personally, dangerously close to a relapse and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone or do anything. My stress is OFF THE CHARTS. This long weekend may have helped a little but I'm getting very depressed and not sure how much I can hang on. I've reached 18 months without using my eating disorder. I am feeling the pull to be skinnier again and I don't really want to go back.

Pensive

I find myself in a pensive place this Sunday afternoon. I'm being optimistic in saying I'm pensive because I may very well be bordering on depressed. I've been laying around for two days and don't have much to show for it. I've been isolating and sleeping. I had high hopes for this weekend, as I do many weekends. My hopes feel deflated.

About 20 minutes ago I asked myself what I WANT to do and how I could feel better about my day and myself.

I heard that I need to get moving.

I just read a couple pages from a devotional I've been reading and felt like writing. Even though my physical state hasn't changed: I'm still in the same clothes I've been in for about 24 hours and I'm covered in cat hair and I'm a bit of a grease ball. I feel something shifting. I think that something is my mood. Maybe my Shutdown part is finally stepping aside to let Victoria out. That's what I feel but not what I want!

When Victoria takes over, I am left exhausted and stressed. I want a different part to take over. Self, ideally but I would settle for anyone different this time.

Any time I can catch an extreme shift in my parts like this one, it leaves me with lots to think about. When it's a slow but noticeable shift. There is a moment that I'm "nothing." It's oddly peaceful. Maybe this is an experience of Self. I find myself starting to feel hopeful.

I have the urge to go outside, go for a walk... but I have a meeting in an hour and a half and I feel like I have soooooooooooooooooo much to do. I stayed home from church today to "get things done." (What a lie to myself!) Now I'm stuck in catch up mode, as Victoria has finally realized we are slacking and have to make up for my down time. I feel slightly stuck and slightly sickened by her right now.

Is there anything that if I don't get done today, is going to hurt me tomorrow? Hhhmmmm, maybe laundry issues... as in I may not have clean underwear if I don't get some laundry done but other than that, the world is NOT DEPENDING ON MY GETTING THROUGH SOME HOUSE CHORES TODAY! SO BACK THE FUCK OF VICTORIA!

WOW, I didn't know I had that in me. I'm going to honor that part though. I do not want to spend my night stressed and rushed. I want to enjoy my life instead of rush it away in a haze of tasks. It will be a HUGE struggle to keep Victoria from stepping out. There are things I WANT to get done.... laundry being one of them that she is nagging me to do. There are also things I want to do that require other parts. I want to read, shower, write, go to my 12 step meeting, visit with a friend and get a good night sleep.

I can't seem to find middle ground because I feel the Shutdown seeping back in. It's as if I must do nothing or everything. I can't win! I feel stuck in place. God help me find balance!

Deep, Dark, Heavy => Strong

I've been working alot with the deep, dark, heavy parts that hold lots of painful memories. I had a very rough weekend and felt some pretty desperate / extreme parts take over. I know all of this work will make me stronger but I really just want to ... be there ALREADY! It's been a very long, very emotional month. I don't find any of this getting much easier yet. I'm told that it will get easier though. I believe the people that have "gone before me." Please, Lord, don't leave me in this time of struggle!

Depressed

I find myself deeply troubled tonight. I've been skirting on the edge of depression and have probably finally crossed over. I am very upset with my job situation and feel trapped. I feel that if I didn't work where I do I may not need so much therapy but to be able to pay for any of it I have to work where I do.

God, please get me out of this catch 22!

I have many more issues than my job but my job stress keeps blocking my progress. I wish I was independently wealthy. Is it bad to wish for a husband so I could quite working? I'm sure it is.

The thing that put me over the edge tonight was my friend's Facebook post. It is a woman I was in treatment with about six years ago. She got married this weekend. She's younger than me, prettier than me and skinnier than me. What hope do I have? I haven't even been on a date since treatment. I'm going to die an old cat lady! (crying) I love my cats but ..... Is this it?

I have all kind of parts popping up. Little parts, hopeless parts, critical parts, manager parts, mean parts, angry parts..... This is it. The big battle they all fight. Attachment and the pain that comes with it.

I wish I could do things over. But what would I do differently? I can't change the things that made me the way I am. It began before I could talk. I can't help that my mother had three husbands and that my father is crazy. I was dealt a shitty hand. Not the worst by any means but not the best. I've done what I can but I will never have the winning hand.

I don't feel like I will ever be truly satisfied. There is something wrong with me. Deep down I'm just not grateful enough or good enough or worthy enough. That must be what these parts are truly protecting. They aren't protecting some perfect Self that can take care of us all. They are protecting the weak, unloveable, evil me that doesn't deserve to live. And that's why I have no romantic interests and can't hang on to any friends. People are intuitive and they eventually see the real me, the me I can't even see. People leave me because they can't handle the real me. I am doomed to live this life alone and abandoned forever. So, really, why live it? I know I'm going to heaven. Can't I just skip this hell?

Big Step

I took a big step today in getting my parts to work together. My most damaged part has decided she wants to heal and is ready to move forward. I went to a place that is very triggering and used some new tools of creating imaginary safe places and containing this part so she doesn't have to experience the trauma over and over again. (I know I'm being vague but it's not safe yet to even share in this anonymous way.)

It worked pretty well. My first try at being in this place without completely checking out and dissociating or hurting myself proved possible. There were a few moments when my system threatened to spin me out of control but I feel some hope that life might be possible, even for me with my new multiple personalities.

D.I.D.

I was shocked this past week when I had to undergo an evaluation with my therapist in order to address an insurance issue. My insurance company asked to review my case for medical necessity, which basically means they are trying to cut off coverage for therapy.

I've been through all kinds of emotions over this but I didn't expect the latest turn of events.

I've always said that I deal with a fairly normal level of multiplicity. I always believed I am segregated into parts but in a more normal way. After having to review the diagnosis with my therapist, I have come to believe I truly have Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.). I kind of always wondered since my parts seem to have totally different lives then me at times. Faced with the actual diagnosis on paper and being shared with other people is an entirely different story.

I'm not worried about the work I do with my therapist. I trust her and do not believe that will change. She was actually very reluctant to do this evaluation but I asked her in order to try to get further insurance coverage. I feel very alone though now. I don't guess it's a common diagnosis and fear that people will think I'm crazy. My therapist gave me the choice to not include it in the report, which was kind of her but if it's true then why wouldn't it go into the report. She also diagnosed me with a couple other things. The only one that shocked me was Borderline Personality Disorder. I can't imagine actually telling people I have this. I really feel crazy.

To make it even worse, many of my parts are very activated. They seem to be in some sort of uproar. Sure, I have lots of other stuff going on recently too but it's just not a good time. On one hand its kind of nice to have a name for my issues but I feel like a freak. I'm sorry if anyone reading this also has these issues. I am sure I would never even think this way if someone else told me the same thing. It's hard to look in the mirror at myself without feeling like I've changed in some sort of way. I know I'm the same person but I feel ... Shame. Has anyone else deal with this?

The final straw broke me when I realized my therapist isn't the only one who sees me this way. I went to a psychiatrist recently for some general anxiety issues as well as to see if she could help with the insurance issues. Without hardly any information from me and NONE from my therapist, the psychiatrist gave me the same basic diagnoses. How could that be? I don't even talk to her about parts. I hardly ever see her. It's actually been over two years since I've seen her and she ALSO thinks I'm crazy!

I'm very conflicted and worried about what this could mean. I always wanted to feel special and different but not in this way. I feel slightly lost and can't tell anyone. Actually I've tried to tell people but my support network seems to be all dealing with their own crises. Why don't I matter enough?

Hurting,
Us