Depressed

I find myself deeply troubled tonight. I've been skirting on the edge of depression and have probably finally crossed over. I am very upset with my job situation and feel trapped. I feel that if I didn't work where I do I may not need so much therapy but to be able to pay for any of it I have to work where I do.

God, please get me out of this catch 22!

I have many more issues than my job but my job stress keeps blocking my progress. I wish I was independently wealthy. Is it bad to wish for a husband so I could quite working? I'm sure it is.

The thing that put me over the edge tonight was my friend's Facebook post. It is a woman I was in treatment with about six years ago. She got married this weekend. She's younger than me, prettier than me and skinnier than me. What hope do I have? I haven't even been on a date since treatment. I'm going to die an old cat lady! (crying) I love my cats but ..... Is this it?

I have all kind of parts popping up. Little parts, hopeless parts, critical parts, manager parts, mean parts, angry parts..... This is it. The big battle they all fight. Attachment and the pain that comes with it.

I wish I could do things over. But what would I do differently? I can't change the things that made me the way I am. It began before I could talk. I can't help that my mother had three husbands and that my father is crazy. I was dealt a shitty hand. Not the worst by any means but not the best. I've done what I can but I will never have the winning hand.

I don't feel like I will ever be truly satisfied. There is something wrong with me. Deep down I'm just not grateful enough or good enough or worthy enough. That must be what these parts are truly protecting. They aren't protecting some perfect Self that can take care of us all. They are protecting the weak, unloveable, evil me that doesn't deserve to live. And that's why I have no romantic interests and can't hang on to any friends. People are intuitive and they eventually see the real me, the me I can't even see. People leave me because they can't handle the real me. I am doomed to live this life alone and abandoned forever. So, really, why live it? I know I'm going to heaven. Can't I just skip this hell?

A bit better

I'm starting to feel a bit better. I've worked quite a bit today. I've eaten fairly normal and haven't had any suicidal thoughts today.

Last night I went to church. I worshipped God, prayed and listened to my pastor. It helped. I LOVE my church worship team! I also talked to my therapist on the phone.

It was a bit awkward but I'm glad I called her. I think she had a long day (8 hours of sessions straight would do that to me too) before she got to call me. I'm thankful she called me though and didn't send the cops to baker act me. When half an hour had passed from the time I thought she would call I started to worry that she had given up on me and just sent someone to take me to a crisis stabilization unit. I really don't belong there! I can tell she didn't know what to tell me or maybe what I was asking. I think I needed a goal, plan, accountability. All I know is that yesterday at 8am I was ready to swallow a bottle of Advil and the only thing I knew to do was call my therapist. I don't think she likes to communicate outside of session at all. Not like other therapists, I've had. That's probably good.

By the time I talked to my therapist, I had gone to church and made a couple other good decisions. I probably could have gone without talking to her but I'm not sure I would have got where I did without the motivation of knowing I would have to talk to her. Make sense???? I went into "emergency" depression and needed to give myself the NEED to pick myself up from it. If my therapist had heard me where I was that morning, I would have been committed. Someone inside won't let that happen. I worked out a few plans with friends and got some extra support. I even fell back on a couple tools from my "old depression days." I made some positive lists and packed my schedule to stay busy.