Quick Update

In working with some trauma and working a lot at my real job, I've found little time or energy for much else.

I have been going to Celebrate Recovery regularly and I think that's helping.

Pandora (a part of mine) has been highly activated lately with the exposure of her secret. We are working it out together but it's not easy.

Dialogue - Flashback

I recently (2 days ago) had a flashback of the last rape I experienced. This doesn't happen often to me. I've been raped twice. At times I actually feel lucky that I can't remember anything (due to drinking or being drugged) of the first time. The second one is enough for me to handle. Both were traumatic (memories or not).

I decided a long time ago not to press charges. My thought is that one of the two lives involved has already been ruined, why ruin the man's life too. I'm told this is a compassionate view. I'm also told it's a codependent view. It is very much based out of the idea that I feel like it was my fault and he (both men) may not even think he did anything wrong.

I've recently come to realize that no matter what I call it, who I blame or how little I remember of it, the incident affected my life negatively.

One of my parts holds those events. I've written about her before. It's Pandora. She let the box open and everything spilled out. On Friday in the middle of shaking, remembering and reliving the event I didn't take the time to check in with any of my parts. Today they burst forward in the middle of church and demanded to be heard.

It started with a general sadness. I was deeply sad and lonely today. I could tell that The Monster was activated as he filled the place where my heart should be. It seeped into my body from my throat to my stomach. I began journaling just to observe The Monster. It's very hard for me to connect with this part or understand it. Here's what came out as I wrote:

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It is a chaotic, thundering, anxious storm of loneliness and despair. I want to curl up, sink into the floor, hide, scream, cry and die. It (The Monster) is very amorphous. It has no boundaries. It cannot be contained. It has access to everyone and everywhere. It is out of control. It is extremely reactionary. It's overwhelmed and over whelming.

I wasn't getting much from general observation that I didn't already know so I began to dialogue:
Me: What are you trying to do or tell me, Monster?

The Monster: There's too much packed away. You HAVE to clean some of this out. I can't hold it anymore. It's unrealistic.

Me: I don't know how to do that. It hasn't been working. Why aren't any of you releasing and unburdening the things you hold? I can't change what happened!

The Monster: You have to listen. You have to do something different.

Me: There are too many to listen to. Too many stories and too much pain. How do I ever have enough time?

~~~At this point The Monster was replaced by The Protector. I didn't realize it at first though.~~~

The Protector: Deal with the things that hurt and affect you the most first. You MUST spend time with us. It is the only way you will know us.

Me: I'm worried I won't be able to handle it. I'm worried my therapist (or anyone else) will not be able to help me.

The Protector: She can and will. You are the one who will really do all the work though.

Me (this is when I heard that it was The Protector): Hello Protector. I'm glad you're here. What happened with Pandora? Where were you?

The Protector: It's not her fault. I opened the safe. I let out the stories, images and past.

Me: Did you tell her? Did you warn her? She's scared. She's hiding. She feels like she failed.

The Protector: I did not. She would have never let me help.

Me: How can you say that was help? How can you call yourself a Protector? Who are you really? What about Pandora?

The Protector: I AM your protector. It's time to deal with it. I want the best for you. Let's talk to Pandora. She needs to know she did a good job.

Pandora: How can you say that!?!? I failed! My only job was to keep that hidden!

The Protector: That WAS your job. It killed you though. You did it very well all this time. You didn't and still don't know the whole plan. Your job was to hide it until the girl (ME) could deal with it.

Me (feeling genuine concern): I'm so sorry Pandora. I'm sorry you had to do that in the first place. I'm sorry you don't feel any other purpose or sense of worth.

The Protector: You are beautiful Pandora. You can rest. You will have another job. Remember how we made this chair for you? Will you sit in it. (Pandora had been huddled up in a dark corner hiding and crying. The Protector takes her hand and leads her to the chair. She sits down and continues to cry.) It's okay. I'll stay with you. We are okay now (addressing me). You can go back to the church bookstore.

Me: Can I?! This was a lot. How do I smile now? I'm blank.

The Monster: I know. I have to take this. I'll do my best but I'm almost at capacity.

Restless

It's late and I'm restless. I know this feeling. It's my parts all fighting for the front. Why do I have to DEAL with this? Why can't my thoughts just be my own? Why must they come from different faces, voices and attitudes? I like being able to get different perspectives of myself but it's exhausting! I just want to be able to function and have one voice in my head.... one opinion, one attitude, one self! I want to be able to make decisions without thinking in 100 different directions. I want to be able to have balanced emotion, reactions and energy levels. I want normalcy. YES! I want to be normal, even if normal means cookie cutter and the SAME as everyone else! I used to like being different and wanting attention for my uniqueness but not now! Not when it means I'm up at 12:11am because pieces of me are arguing in some far off imaginary place of my psyche so loudly that I can do nothing but stare into space and let them go at it. I'm wired! I have too much potential energy without any kinetic energy.

In physics, Potential energy is energy stored within a physical system as a result of the position or configuration of the different parts of that system. It has the potential to be converted into other forms of energy, such as kinetic energy, and to do work in the process.

The above definition came from Logic, I think. Or another part that strives to be perfect and precise.

I'm scared to let them all talk for some reason. I think that might help them feel heard and understood but I just don't have the energy to listen. I REALLY want to ignore them but how can I? They are me..... and if they ARE me why don't we all think the same? What will they show me? When will I get help understanding them? Who can actually help me in this journey?

Now I'm just babbling. I am going to try to turn off by listening to some music. It's too late to open all this up.

Speaking of opening up stuff... Pandora just slid into my head. Have I told you about her? She holds her box in the attic of my life. Is it possible that she only exists to hold that box shut? What have I done by taking it away from her? Where my other parts really trying to help her by sharing the load? She's a bit panicked and wants to go back to the way it was. Could her creation also coincide with her "death?" What if she has no other function? I know what's in the box and don't know why she's coming to mind with the visit of my dad.... She holds the rape in that box. I don't think my dad ever hurt me like that. But why is Pandora younger than I was when that incident took place? Why is she more of a zombie than a person? Why don't I trust any men? Is that true?

I'm so confused! I think my dad may have put me in an attic once, when he kidnapped me.... maybe that's her connection. I wish I could remember that time when he kept me from my mom. It's such a mystery in the family. It's such a cover up and not talked about. I have no recall of it. How could I have said I was kept in an attic but then find out that house had no attic?

I wonder if hypnosis would help us share all the thoughts and memories among my parts.

Too many questions for 12:33 am. God, please take it away for tonight. Give us rest and energy to clean the house tomorrow!