Dialogue - Flashback

I recently (2 days ago) had a flashback of the last rape I experienced. This doesn't happen often to me. I've been raped twice. At times I actually feel lucky that I can't remember anything (due to drinking or being drugged) of the first time. The second one is enough for me to handle. Both were traumatic (memories or not).

I decided a long time ago not to press charges. My thought is that one of the two lives involved has already been ruined, why ruin the man's life too. I'm told this is a compassionate view. I'm also told it's a codependent view. It is very much based out of the idea that I feel like it was my fault and he (both men) may not even think he did anything wrong.

I've recently come to realize that no matter what I call it, who I blame or how little I remember of it, the incident affected my life negatively.

One of my parts holds those events. I've written about her before. It's Pandora. She let the box open and everything spilled out. On Friday in the middle of shaking, remembering and reliving the event I didn't take the time to check in with any of my parts. Today they burst forward in the middle of church and demanded to be heard.

It started with a general sadness. I was deeply sad and lonely today. I could tell that The Monster was activated as he filled the place where my heart should be. It seeped into my body from my throat to my stomach. I began journaling just to observe The Monster. It's very hard for me to connect with this part or understand it. Here's what came out as I wrote:

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It is a chaotic, thundering, anxious storm of loneliness and despair. I want to curl up, sink into the floor, hide, scream, cry and die. It (The Monster) is very amorphous. It has no boundaries. It cannot be contained. It has access to everyone and everywhere. It is out of control. It is extremely reactionary. It's overwhelmed and over whelming.

I wasn't getting much from general observation that I didn't already know so I began to dialogue:
Me: What are you trying to do or tell me, Monster?

The Monster: There's too much packed away. You HAVE to clean some of this out. I can't hold it anymore. It's unrealistic.

Me: I don't know how to do that. It hasn't been working. Why aren't any of you releasing and unburdening the things you hold? I can't change what happened!

The Monster: You have to listen. You have to do something different.

Me: There are too many to listen to. Too many stories and too much pain. How do I ever have enough time?

~~~At this point The Monster was replaced by The Protector. I didn't realize it at first though.~~~

The Protector: Deal with the things that hurt and affect you the most first. You MUST spend time with us. It is the only way you will know us.

Me: I'm worried I won't be able to handle it. I'm worried my therapist (or anyone else) will not be able to help me.

The Protector: She can and will. You are the one who will really do all the work though.

Me (this is when I heard that it was The Protector): Hello Protector. I'm glad you're here. What happened with Pandora? Where were you?

The Protector: It's not her fault. I opened the safe. I let out the stories, images and past.

Me: Did you tell her? Did you warn her? She's scared. She's hiding. She feels like she failed.

The Protector: I did not. She would have never let me help.

Me: How can you say that was help? How can you call yourself a Protector? Who are you really? What about Pandora?

The Protector: I AM your protector. It's time to deal with it. I want the best for you. Let's talk to Pandora. She needs to know she did a good job.

Pandora: How can you say that!?!? I failed! My only job was to keep that hidden!

The Protector: That WAS your job. It killed you though. You did it very well all this time. You didn't and still don't know the whole plan. Your job was to hide it until the girl (ME) could deal with it.

Me (feeling genuine concern): I'm so sorry Pandora. I'm sorry you had to do that in the first place. I'm sorry you don't feel any other purpose or sense of worth.

The Protector: You are beautiful Pandora. You can rest. You will have another job. Remember how we made this chair for you? Will you sit in it. (Pandora had been huddled up in a dark corner hiding and crying. The Protector takes her hand and leads her to the chair. She sits down and continues to cry.) It's okay. I'll stay with you. We are okay now (addressing me). You can go back to the church bookstore.

Me: Can I?! This was a lot. How do I smile now? I'm blank.

The Monster: I know. I have to take this. I'll do my best but I'm almost at capacity.