TERRIFIED

I am terrified TERRIFIED of being FAT, gaining weight, being the size my clothes keep telling me I am and just plain having any normal body size. This may seem odd to the people who know me, since I am well into the obese range of weight.

I've been binging, purging and restricting for 17 days now. I've managed to retain the equivalent of about 1 meal a day. I've "successfully" lost about 5 pounds.

As I laid in bed tonight it hit me. While terror may reside in sizes, weights and the mirror, my true anguish comes from the thought, "I don't want to be alone."

I have a new friend of mine (who's in recovery) to thank for that statement. She called me today and said those words at one point during the conversation. She was referencing something totally different. In the moment I felt a note ring in my body, like the feeling one gets when a cello solo resonates with a single expressive sound. In the moment I figured my heart was jumping in compassion for my friend. I didn't give it another thought until I was curled up in bed trying to get to sleep despite my growling stomach and dreams of food.

I'm not sure how I got that moment of clarity but I thank God for it. I began to cry, not your average couple tears on the pillow cry. I'm talking all out, scared the neighbors will hear, mascara everywhere, fetal position, gut wrenching sob. (FYI - I don't cry alone normally. I just can't.) That thought is my motivation for SOOOOOOOOOO much.

I'm reading a book (Life Without ED) for a therapeutic book discussion group. It's a great book but it's not helping me. I keep thinking about the lessons the author is giving but I fight the truth in them. I'm not sure what I want to do next. I'm tired of not eating. I LIKE FOOD! Now that I know the "why" in my relapse, what next? I feel like I need to get into see my Nutritionist or Therapist but what will that say about me? I can't even get myself to eat unless I pay a healthcare professional to coach me? I'm unsure of who is talking at any point lately. Is it ED or Me? Those two voices aren't any different any more or maybe my voice is just gone. Then I remember what the author said, "Whatever it takes." Am I ready to do whatever it takes? I know the "whatever" is never the fun side of recovery. I don't get to talk my way through malnutrition. If I could, I'd be cured! Talking about feelings and relaxation techniques are the fun side of recovery. "Whatever" generally boils down to eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full. I know I have to just BITE THE BULLET (pun intended) but even my cry didn't get me into the kitchen to make a meal or even drink some milk.

My current plan is to go to work without eating or drinking anything and weigh myself on the scale in shipping. Then I'll make up my mind what my next step is. How terrible is that!?

My fears are outweighing my better judgment and logic. I want to be a certain weight for my cousin's wedding. I hate weddings. It's just another reminder of how ALONE I am. And this one is with my entire family in a small city, while we stay in one giant house TOGETHER! (SAVE ME!) I want to show them I've lost weight. I want a boyfriend. I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE AND BEING FAT JUST KEEPS ME ALONE!