Jumbled Up and Messy

Today's been hard. Harder than most days. (I feel like I say that a lot...)

I've been doing much better with my eating disorder behaviors. I haven't been binging, purging or restricting much at all.

I saw my nutritionist today. I've been waiting almost 2 weeks to see her. She's very helpful for me. She's changing her hours though and won't have any time available when I'm not working. I immediately became almost hopeless and felt abandoned again. I feel like I rely too much on her but what else can I do? I feel like I have to learn to rely on someone to regain faith in people. Everyone has let me down. I wish I could see her more but she's expensive and now our schedules clash. She helps me so much though. I'm worried I won't get to see her at all now. I don't know what to do.

One of the things I discussed with her today is the sexual assault I've experienced. It's not a topic I can speak of freely. I didn't even get into the details of it with her but it was still hard. We talked about how it's affected my food and eating. I've seen my nutritionist close to four years now. I had the eating disorder before the sexual assault but I began to wonder if the eating disorder would have been nearly as bad if the sexual assault had not happened.
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I'm debating on if I want to report the assault to the police. I heard of this organization called the Victim Service Center. It helps people who have been victims. As I've begun to think more and more about it, it's coming back. I've never really healed from it. I can't push it aside anymore if I want to be in recovery. I just don't know if reporting it will help me at all. What if it's just more pain without any justice or help? I would like it if the center could give me a grant to pay for therapy and nutrition counseling but I also feel like I'm steeling. I feel like my case isn't that bad and I don't deserve the money. I'm scared to tell my story because it hasn't helped the few times I did.

I found myself in a flashback today. (Probably because I was talking about it earlier.) I was shaking and crying and hopeless and wanted to die. I felt the same things I did that night. On one hand I feel like I'm over dramatizing it but on the other hand I feel like I was a victim. I really don't know what to do.
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I've been spending some time with a girl from Celebrate Recovery. I like her. We get along well and she's pretty easy to be around. Tonight, I'm not sure what happened though. I feel like I was too much for her to handle. Or maybe I was giving too much advice. Or maybe she was just dealing with her own stuff. After CR we had planned to have dinner but she left. She called me on her way out. I figured she still wanted to have dinner so I asked where she wanted to go. When I met her at the restaurant she was kind of upset. I listened and offered sympathy and advice when I could.

After I thought she was sort of done venting and being upset I started to tell her about what was going on for me today. I felt like she was frustrated by me. I felt like she thought I should be doing more for my recovery. At one point she asked me several things about if I had a sponsor, if I was working the steps, if I had an accountability partner and told me how that's the point of CR. She also sort of lectured me on why binging and purging is bad for me. (She's a recovered bulimic so I know she understands.) She told me I should do a different type of therapy. She said that she wishes I saw in myself what she sees in me. That sounds like a compliment and it was but then she started telling me that I should be using my spiritual gifts more to give back. She was telling me I should be a leader in CR and that I didn't need to sing in the band (which is what I want to do. Was she telling me I'm a bad singer?) When do I get to be "given to?" Why do I have to keep giving up and giving up and giving up? When is God going to fill into me! I know that's selfish, especially because I have so much and have been in therapy for years. I should have it all figured out right? So what does that say about me if I don't have it figured out.

I don't know what she was trying to say. Why did she say all that? Why couldn't she let me be sad and empathize with me? I wanted to share my story a little bit with her and get some advice on how to handle the emotions that have been coming up for me. I didn't want to get a lecture. I think I need a break from her for a few days. I've seen her 3 days in this week and talked to her almost every day. That's much more than I usually do.
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I can't sleep in my bed tonight. That's a tale tell sign that the sexual assault is really bothering me. I've got my stuff to sleep on the couch all set out. I slept on my couch for a week after the last incident happened. I could barely go into my room for days.