The Let Down

I have this feeling I call “The Let Down.” It comes on when things end, when I “lose” people, after big events. It leads to lots of my ED behaviors because Ed likes to tell me that if I binge / purge / restrict the feeling will go away.

I went to this really neat presentation / speech Monday night where I had a great time. Below are some of the thoughts I was able to capture after the event:

I'm really trying to think of this as a transition instead of an end but it just feels like an end. It’s like tomorrow it may as well had never happened because it’s over. Emptiness is all that is left behind. It may never happen again and unless its ALWAYS going on its not good enough.

All or nothing...

I'm so sad. I feel lost and alone. I feel unimportant and unnecessary.

Why doesn't anyone love me?

(At this point I binged)

And so I eat and it all goes away. Everything stops. Nothing matters but the food. Taste or not. Good or not. Hungry or not. Numbness, tingling and throbbing surges through my body.

Then the heaviness again. The discomfort in the stomach. The guilt from eating and the fear of FAT. Panic sets in as fear grows. Fear of further rejection because of FAT. Fear of what I have done.

A way out. I must find a way out. Have to get rid of it. NOW! There's only one way out of this rabbit hole and its not pretty. Shame. Secrecy. Disgust. Anxiety. Inevitable.

(At this point I purged, which left my thoughts very jumbled and unformed and desperate, as you can see below)

Lost. Useless. Unlovable. Worthless. Alone. Pointless.

Tired. Dry. Hot. Throbbing. Headache.

Sad. Disgusting.

Life is not worth living. The only thing that matters is being skinny. I'm sooooooooooo NOT. I'm obese. I've become my worst enemy. My worst nightmare has come true!

That stuff Rita was saying. Its not true. People don't help each other out. There's no light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm a terrible person. I deserve this. I want to die.