Decision

I've decided to stay in my current job, live in my house and turn down the Ohio job.

There's more to life than a job.

Do I want my current job? Do I think it will be any less frustrating?

NO!

Am I going to regret my decision?

Probably...

Would I regret the decision either way?

Definitely!

I have barley been able to think of anything else for weeks. I have to stop the debate. I worry that I taking the safe route out of fear.

It can't be such a bad thing to pick the safe answer when recovery is on the line.

I made my decision on a plane trip from CT to FL. I couldn't stop thinking about it so figured it was time to make a decision. I'm lucky people on planes are in their own little worlds because I was crying most of the trip. I don't want to keep make this decision. I really want to be able to be done with it all but even today I'm already second guessing myself.

I'm starting to dread work on Monday and the hot winters already. I'm starting to like my life here though.

I'm so conflicted!

Restless

It's late and I'm restless. I know this feeling. It's my parts all fighting for the front. Why do I have to DEAL with this? Why can't my thoughts just be my own? Why must they come from different faces, voices and attitudes? I like being able to get different perspectives of myself but it's exhausting! I just want to be able to function and have one voice in my head.... one opinion, one attitude, one self! I want to be able to make decisions without thinking in 100 different directions. I want to be able to have balanced emotion, reactions and energy levels. I want normalcy. YES! I want to be normal, even if normal means cookie cutter and the SAME as everyone else! I used to like being different and wanting attention for my uniqueness but not now! Not when it means I'm up at 12:11am because pieces of me are arguing in some far off imaginary place of my psyche so loudly that I can do nothing but stare into space and let them go at it. I'm wired! I have too much potential energy without any kinetic energy.

In physics, Potential energy is energy stored within a physical system as a result of the position or configuration of the different parts of that system. It has the potential to be converted into other forms of energy, such as kinetic energy, and to do work in the process.

The above definition came from Logic, I think. Or another part that strives to be perfect and precise.

I'm scared to let them all talk for some reason. I think that might help them feel heard and understood but I just don't have the energy to listen. I REALLY want to ignore them but how can I? They are me..... and if they ARE me why don't we all think the same? What will they show me? When will I get help understanding them? Who can actually help me in this journey?

Now I'm just babbling. I am going to try to turn off by listening to some music. It's too late to open all this up.

Speaking of opening up stuff... Pandora just slid into my head. Have I told you about her? She holds her box in the attic of my life. Is it possible that she only exists to hold that box shut? What have I done by taking it away from her? Where my other parts really trying to help her by sharing the load? She's a bit panicked and wants to go back to the way it was. Could her creation also coincide with her "death?" What if she has no other function? I know what's in the box and don't know why she's coming to mind with the visit of my dad.... She holds the rape in that box. I don't think my dad ever hurt me like that. But why is Pandora younger than I was when that incident took place? Why is she more of a zombie than a person? Why don't I trust any men? Is that true?

I'm so confused! I think my dad may have put me in an attic once, when he kidnapped me.... maybe that's her connection. I wish I could remember that time when he kept me from my mom. It's such a mystery in the family. It's such a cover up and not talked about. I have no recall of it. How could I have said I was kept in an attic but then find out that house had no attic?

I wonder if hypnosis would help us share all the thoughts and memories among my parts.

Too many questions for 12:33 am. God, please take it away for tonight. Give us rest and energy to clean the house tomorrow!