I'm not doing well right now. If ne1 reads this I would like to hear from u. I'm in a really hard place now. I feel like I'm in a hamster wheel lined with nails

Victoria

Victoria came through very strongly for me today. We'd had enough in this one meeting. Two co-workers were actually mocking me! How childish!

(I work in a terrible environment where no one works together. I HATE it! As an example of how high stress this job is, we hired someone to be the Executive Office Assistant this week. She started Monday and then never came back from lunch on Tuesday! No call or anything. Just decided it was too much for her.)

So... In this meeting where once again, I'm getting my tasks reprioritized and given more work to do then humanly possible with NO appreciation for what I AM and HAVE been doing. When they started making fun of me I was shocked. I didn't even understand what they were doing at first because it was so off the wall.

I got so frustrated I almost started to cry. I left the meeting and tried to calm down but was so angry I was shaking. That's when Victoria stepped in. She REALLY CAN be scary sometimes. She's completely ruthless. She has no time for fuck ups or wishy wasby delays. She MOVES. She thinks faster, walks faster, talks faster.... She's VERY much in control and has no fear. She's how I made it through today.

The Ghost and The Monster

I wrote something at work in the "midst" of this really intense feeling I get. I was trying to figure out what's going on with myself. (All names have been changed or taken out.) It's kind of a "stream of consciousness" piece so may be hard to follow.
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The Ghost and The Monster


This haunting feeling I get is seeping in several times a day. It’s now been attached to my therapist. I HATE it! It’s one of those emotions that stops me. But it’s not the emotion. It’s got to be covering something else up. I really want it to step aside. I don’t understand it and it’s not useful. I think it’s mainly attached to things that are related to recovery.

A therapist I saw years ago who I tried to be friends with
Old EDA Sponsor, Old EDA Sponsee and AA or EDA meeting
A Friend who "dropped" me
The therapist I saw before my current one - who was "difficult"
A therapist I saw a couple times, related to the last one
My nutritionist (less so --- wish I knew why)
My current therapist
Renfrew (people and place)
New Beginnings (old building)
Anyone I was in groups with
Certain websites (Castlewood, Renfrew, Pro-Ana / Mia)
Sometimes a certain co-worker
Starbucks
Book stores
Church --- some places inside the buildings (one office, the cry room, sometimes the book store, eating lunch at Nature’s Table, GriefShare, etc.) and people (bookstore volunteers)
Money

I’m really worried because it’s reached my current therapist to the point that I’m checking my e-mail every 5 minutes and trying to guess her schedule to see if I will “get” to see her longer on Friday. Do I need to see her longer? Yes / No. Do I need therapy at all? No ---- no one NEEDS therapy. It’s a luxury. But I DO feel like I NEED it. That’s a problem! I feel like The Ghost / Monster needs to be stopped, leashed, caged, taught a lesson or just killed!

It happens every time. I used to think it was my neediness and dependence on someone. Is it the attachment issues? It’s obsessive and ugly! It’s black and huge! It’s gaining strength and power. It seeps into almost every aspect of my life.

It seems to be some sort of projection or transference. I’m sorry to the people it lands on. I know it doesn’t have anything to do with them.

It starts in my abdomen but radiates all over my body. It’s very similar to anxiety and when it starts I think that’s what it is until it grows big again. It eats me up. I start by trying to calm down, sort my thoughts out and other things that generally work for anxiety but it never works. It grows to the point that I feel my heart beating, my limbs become cold, my breathing is shallow (quick or slow) and I’m obsessed with two thoughts. The first usually settles on something to do with wanting to leave / run from whatever I’m doing and live at a treatment center or do some sort of intensive treatment without having to work. The second thought is basically, “We’re Fucked!” because that can never happen again. Somewhere mixed in, is a thought that knows it wouldn’t work anyway. (It never has.) I end up frozen, eyes glazed over, with that rocking sensation and my mind wonders, spins, stops, takes on a life of it’s own. I am desperate and hopeless.

Is this my way of saying I don’t want to grow up? Am I really just that immature?

I’m soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. I’m losing.
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(that was the end of my thoughts then a couple parts came out)


A little part said in response: Please don’t attack The Monster --- I hate it but … better not to be provoked. I don’t know how to make it go away though. I don’t know how to ask you to deal with it b/c it’s too much for me. I’m VERY afraid of this part (I guess it’s a part...). It’s RUINED so many things in our life. Please make it go away. Please! Please help us escape it! Help!


The Facilitator: I know we have to deal with this. Leaving it alone and running from it is only giving it more space. It’s like the abuser who sleeps. I have concern for the little ones. (We haven’t distinguished the different little parts much at this point.) Whether it goes away or becomes something else or calms down is irrelevant. We know it has to do something but are very conflicted on what or how. All we know is that it hurts us. We trust you, my Therapist. You need to be careful though because it’s getting bigger and has shadowed you. We thank you for ALL you do, even the boundaries you put in place that we don’t like – and may not admit again any time soon (That last part was from Mae). We know that broken boundaries fuel what has now gone from The Ghost to The Monster. I am not sure how or why we know that but it’s true. The Monster is very much enmeshed with most of us.

An observer type part or reporter: The work bell rang and I slipped right into, Mae. Bubbly, helpful, productive, friendly, brilliant…. I’m very distanced from her though. She’s like a mask. She acts rather independently and pretty “mechanical.” She’s got to be a performer. I like her a lot but with her often follows numbness or emptiness and more of that rocking / tingly sensation. (It’s similar to the headaches I get that don’t have the pain.)

It’s actually kind of nice to be able to see them (my parts) again. When Dad was here I couldn’t tell. I have no idea if knowing them is good or bad or helpful or hurtful in my mental health recovery stuff but this is just how we work.

TV Time

I'm feeling the desire to get rid of my cable. I waste sooooooo much time zoning out in front of the TV!

Seem's so familiar!

I know it's sort of one of my coping mechanisms when things get crazy though.... I really want to be more productive and hope that if I don't have TV then I won't waste so much time. I would read more, work on my house more, etc..... At this point it's only in the contemplative stage but moving up in the process quickly.

I could save a little money a month, too. I would want to learn how to download certain shows though, too....

Sunday

Today, is full of more restless-ness. I had a slip and I'm not sure what to think about it. I'm getting ready to listen to Jen Nardozzi from Renfrew on the radio so I guess I'm not ready to give up.

I really hate it when my dad visits.... :(

Restless

It's late and I'm restless. I know this feeling. It's my parts all fighting for the front. Why do I have to DEAL with this? Why can't my thoughts just be my own? Why must they come from different faces, voices and attitudes? I like being able to get different perspectives of myself but it's exhausting! I just want to be able to function and have one voice in my head.... one opinion, one attitude, one self! I want to be able to make decisions without thinking in 100 different directions. I want to be able to have balanced emotion, reactions and energy levels. I want normalcy. YES! I want to be normal, even if normal means cookie cutter and the SAME as everyone else! I used to like being different and wanting attention for my uniqueness but not now! Not when it means I'm up at 12:11am because pieces of me are arguing in some far off imaginary place of my psyche so loudly that I can do nothing but stare into space and let them go at it. I'm wired! I have too much potential energy without any kinetic energy.

In physics, Potential energy is energy stored within a physical system as a result of the position or configuration of the different parts of that system. It has the potential to be converted into other forms of energy, such as kinetic energy, and to do work in the process.

The above definition came from Logic, I think. Or another part that strives to be perfect and precise.

I'm scared to let them all talk for some reason. I think that might help them feel heard and understood but I just don't have the energy to listen. I REALLY want to ignore them but how can I? They are me..... and if they ARE me why don't we all think the same? What will they show me? When will I get help understanding them? Who can actually help me in this journey?

Now I'm just babbling. I am going to try to turn off by listening to some music. It's too late to open all this up.

Speaking of opening up stuff... Pandora just slid into my head. Have I told you about her? She holds her box in the attic of my life. Is it possible that she only exists to hold that box shut? What have I done by taking it away from her? Where my other parts really trying to help her by sharing the load? She's a bit panicked and wants to go back to the way it was. Could her creation also coincide with her "death?" What if she has no other function? I know what's in the box and don't know why she's coming to mind with the visit of my dad.... She holds the rape in that box. I don't think my dad ever hurt me like that. But why is Pandora younger than I was when that incident took place? Why is she more of a zombie than a person? Why don't I trust any men? Is that true?

I'm so confused! I think my dad may have put me in an attic once, when he kidnapped me.... maybe that's her connection. I wish I could remember that time when he kept me from my mom. It's such a mystery in the family. It's such a cover up and not talked about. I have no recall of it. How could I have said I was kept in an attic but then find out that house had no attic?

I wonder if hypnosis would help us share all the thoughts and memories among my parts.

Too many questions for 12:33 am. God, please take it away for tonight. Give us rest and energy to clean the house tomorrow!

We're Back

My father left town yesterday night.... it made an entire week he was here visiting. It was getting pretty bad. He's a VERY odd man! He's manipulative, immature, irresponsible and just plain out of touch with reality.

I have lived with the FEAR of having to support him in the near future since I was 10 years old. I really don't know another option, since he is not married, has no other children and absolutely NO savings. Just in the last week, he turned my life upside down. How can I possibly have him live with me for good!

My house is still a disaster from his stay here but I haven't had the energy to clean up. I keep looking around and reliving all the crazy shit he said or did. I REALLY need to clean it all up. How is it that a grown man can't clean up after himself? I mean... TRASH is everywhere! Who can't even throw TRASH away?

My parts were not safe with him here. I tried to bring Logic out to deal with his illogical-ness but despite her strength in supporting my other parts, she's not a "front runner." The stronger parts (Victoria, The Protector, etc.) will take cues from her but they are the real ones in control. This past week though, I have not really been able to differentiate between my parts. There has been this general haze of dissociation surrounding all my thoughts. (My therapist believes that is probably a good thing right now.) I've been very robotic and "fenced." One might call that closed off but it's a little different. I've been in survival mode and whatever part or parts that operate there just kind of put the other ones in a cage and set them to sleep so we don't get hurt. Can anyone relate to what I'm saying?

I've felt much chaos among myself and my parts. The parts that are easily hurt couldn't be fully protected in that cage so they would randomly awaken and cry out from the sting of my father's actions and words. That's when the system would go into panic and safety mode. A couple times the system wasn't ready for Dad's blow and the angry parts would retaliate. The anger is getting stronger. I can tell because I would never have talked back to my dad before. Or maybe the moderator is getting more tired or some part has decided not to close the anger off. Either way, there were at least 3 times that I YELLED at my dad. Then the guilt sets in.

As far as my ED symptoms go, I gave in a few times. It was very impulsive. When I found myself with a moment to purge (when dad was far enough away to not hear) I did. I felt better. It intensified the fog of numbness and that was okay for then. It was not a good time to FEEL. I'm not happy with these slips but I understand the need my system had to numb out.

Three incidents stick out in my mind from his visit. They were all small and seemingly insignificant by my brain has decided to recall them over and other. The Car, The Restroom and The Irritation.

The Car:
I was driving in a parking lot of a big store (it may have been Target). My dad was sitting next to me. (First mistake.... apparently my dad is the best driver in the world so he feels the need to critique... I mean teach... me how to drive.) ;) I am not a confident driver. I hesitate and wait much more than just going for it. I had come to the end of a lane and was trying to pull out and drive to the right. A large truck had decided to turn into the lane I was pulling out of. That moment happened when neither driver could decide if we would both fit without hurting the other car. I stopped. The truck stopped. My dad yelled! He said, "Go go go go go, you need to go, go go go, he wants you to go first. You can't stop like that. GO!!!" I froze. My dad's relentless words and demands had caused my system to panic. Someone inside me yelled, "STOP DOING THAT! DON'T TELL ME HOW TO DRIVE. DO YOU WANT TO DRIVE?" My dad said nothing. I drove on. We were both silent. I don't remember where we went next but it was awkward. We both acted like it hadn't happened. After that he was less opinionated on my driving for about 2 days.... a lot of good that outburst did me!

The Restroom:
First, I had been driving my dad around all day and most of the week, as he did not know the area. We got to Walmart, which is NOT my favorite place to go, simply due to the crowds I generally encounter. (There always seem to be people in my way or people I am in the way of and they aren't generally nice about it.) We had to return a couple items. As we stood in line at customer service, I decided to go to the restroom. It was about 5 feet from where we stood. I told my dad I would be right back. He said, "Well, where will I meet you? I'll be done here in a few minutes and it will take you at least 10 minutes, probably more, before you get back." I thought, REALLY? Are you kidding? You can't let me pee, while we've been doing EVERYTHING you want to do? Instead I said, "We can just meet right here." He said, "But I could go ahead and get a few things instead of wait. What if you can't find me?" I thought, What!? Can't you stand still for 5 minutes? Are you completely disregarding my request to meet here? Instead I said, "If you get done before me and I can't find you. I'll just wait here." How disrespectful! I think the emotion I felt was hurt and maybe unappreciated.

The Irritation:
Driving, yet again. (You should probably know that I really don't like to drive in general. I avoid it whenever I can. My dream is to have a chauffeur.) I also had not eaten even close to enough food for my day up to that point. It was 3pm and I had only had a cliff bar. That's about 2 meals less than my body needs at that time of day. (My father doesn't eat.... Or rather, he eats almost nothing all day until he binges at night.) I had been craving Taco Bell (a guilty pleasure). I had just driven my dad to THREE places to try and find these special oranges that he likes. We struck out every time. I was on my way to Taco Bell at this point. I had already started planning a binge / purge and was plenty anxious about having to do that in front of my dad or figuring out how to hide it. I got in this tangled mess of driving where I had to make about 3 u-turns (something that totally pisses me off when driving). Due to my blood sugar extreme low, I got VERY irritated. I was on the edge of completely blowing up. I was talking about what was irritating me, I think, but I don't remember what I said. Then my dad said, "You know if you would breath more you wouldn't get so angry. Just a couple deep breaths and it will all just melt away." I thought, Is this really the time for that dad!? You had to bring that up now!? I'm actually irritated because you haven't let me eat all day and by blood sugar is dangerously low for the exercising and activity of carting your ass around all day. That's like telling a person in the midst of a heart attack they should exercise more instead of calling 911!!!!! I said nothing. I continued on my drive to Taco Bell. As the planning of my binge became entirely impossible with my Dad right there, I got even more irritated. I said, "I don't want Taco Bell anymore." I turned around and drove home. In silence. I made something at home to eat then fell asleep. I let dad pack up and do what he needed to do without my help.

I've made the choice to love my dad and continue in relationship with him but days like yesterday really make me re-evaluate.

Sorry if I have any readers that have been waiting for more information. Thank you for your patience.