The Ghost and The Monster

I wrote something at work in the "midst" of this really intense feeling I get. I was trying to figure out what's going on with myself. (All names have been changed or taken out.) It's kind of a "stream of consciousness" piece so may be hard to follow.
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The Ghost and The Monster


This haunting feeling I get is seeping in several times a day. It’s now been attached to my therapist. I HATE it! It’s one of those emotions that stops me. But it’s not the emotion. It’s got to be covering something else up. I really want it to step aside. I don’t understand it and it’s not useful. I think it’s mainly attached to things that are related to recovery.

A therapist I saw years ago who I tried to be friends with
Old EDA Sponsor, Old EDA Sponsee and AA or EDA meeting
A Friend who "dropped" me
The therapist I saw before my current one - who was "difficult"
A therapist I saw a couple times, related to the last one
My nutritionist (less so --- wish I knew why)
My current therapist
Renfrew (people and place)
New Beginnings (old building)
Anyone I was in groups with
Certain websites (Castlewood, Renfrew, Pro-Ana / Mia)
Sometimes a certain co-worker
Starbucks
Book stores
Church --- some places inside the buildings (one office, the cry room, sometimes the book store, eating lunch at Nature’s Table, GriefShare, etc.) and people (bookstore volunteers)
Money

I’m really worried because it’s reached my current therapist to the point that I’m checking my e-mail every 5 minutes and trying to guess her schedule to see if I will “get” to see her longer on Friday. Do I need to see her longer? Yes / No. Do I need therapy at all? No ---- no one NEEDS therapy. It’s a luxury. But I DO feel like I NEED it. That’s a problem! I feel like The Ghost / Monster needs to be stopped, leashed, caged, taught a lesson or just killed!

It happens every time. I used to think it was my neediness and dependence on someone. Is it the attachment issues? It’s obsessive and ugly! It’s black and huge! It’s gaining strength and power. It seeps into almost every aspect of my life.

It seems to be some sort of projection or transference. I’m sorry to the people it lands on. I know it doesn’t have anything to do with them.

It starts in my abdomen but radiates all over my body. It’s very similar to anxiety and when it starts I think that’s what it is until it grows big again. It eats me up. I start by trying to calm down, sort my thoughts out and other things that generally work for anxiety but it never works. It grows to the point that I feel my heart beating, my limbs become cold, my breathing is shallow (quick or slow) and I’m obsessed with two thoughts. The first usually settles on something to do with wanting to leave / run from whatever I’m doing and live at a treatment center or do some sort of intensive treatment without having to work. The second thought is basically, “We’re Fucked!” because that can never happen again. Somewhere mixed in, is a thought that knows it wouldn’t work anyway. (It never has.) I end up frozen, eyes glazed over, with that rocking sensation and my mind wonders, spins, stops, takes on a life of it’s own. I am desperate and hopeless.

Is this my way of saying I don’t want to grow up? Am I really just that immature?

I’m soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. I’m losing.
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(that was the end of my thoughts then a couple parts came out)


A little part said in response: Please don’t attack The Monster --- I hate it but … better not to be provoked. I don’t know how to make it go away though. I don’t know how to ask you to deal with it b/c it’s too much for me. I’m VERY afraid of this part (I guess it’s a part...). It’s RUINED so many things in our life. Please make it go away. Please! Please help us escape it! Help!


The Facilitator: I know we have to deal with this. Leaving it alone and running from it is only giving it more space. It’s like the abuser who sleeps. I have concern for the little ones. (We haven’t distinguished the different little parts much at this point.) Whether it goes away or becomes something else or calms down is irrelevant. We know it has to do something but are very conflicted on what or how. All we know is that it hurts us. We trust you, my Therapist. You need to be careful though because it’s getting bigger and has shadowed you. We thank you for ALL you do, even the boundaries you put in place that we don’t like – and may not admit again any time soon (That last part was from Mae). We know that broken boundaries fuel what has now gone from The Ghost to The Monster. I am not sure how or why we know that but it’s true. The Monster is very much enmeshed with most of us.

An observer type part or reporter: The work bell rang and I slipped right into, Mae. Bubbly, helpful, productive, friendly, brilliant…. I’m very distanced from her though. She’s like a mask. She acts rather independently and pretty “mechanical.” She’s got to be a performer. I like her a lot but with her often follows numbness or emptiness and more of that rocking / tingly sensation. (It’s similar to the headaches I get that don’t have the pain.)

It’s actually kind of nice to be able to see them (my parts) again. When Dad was here I couldn’t tell. I have no idea if knowing them is good or bad or helpful or hurtful in my mental health recovery stuff but this is just how we work.

MAE

The craziest thing happened today. I recently got a hair cut. Not your average trim, either. I got 12 inches cut off and donated it to locks of love. So everyone at work is shocked. It doesn't seem to have phased me. It's actually hard for me to understand why people are freaking out so much. When Victoria is present, she totally doesn't get it and has said a couple cold things to people. She's relying on other parts to respond to the emotion of a hair cut....

So I was sitting in this meeting today. I wasn't prepared with my normal reports at all because there is nothing going on with the program right now. I walked in late, with no computer, clip board or even a pen. I sat down, reclined a bit and just observed. Victoria is generally the part that works in this meeting.... very organized, prepared, hard nosed, lay it on the line kind of personality. EVERYONE NOTICED THE CHANGE! Someone commented on my hair again and said something about how it's a new me. Then they started talking about how different I was and in what way. Then they gave me a new name. Now, it was all in good fun and joking around but they couldn't have been more right!

It WAS a VERY different part of me. They all decided to give me the name Mae (pronounced May). I think it's suiting for this part. I'll stick with it. Here are some of Mae's character traits:

-She's relaxed but poised.
-She's a good business woman and still very much in control and in charge on the things she knows best.
-She's smart and contemplative but also quick with decisions and opinions, like Victoria.
-She's observant and quiet.
-She's extremely confident but not cocky (like Victoria can be).
-She doesn't take shit from people and deflects insults with sarcasm instead of anger or other insults.
-She can laugh and has a great sense of humour.
-Everyone liked her ... much more than a couple other parts that have been in that meeting before.

She's AWESOME! I don't operate from her much but I wish I did. How did she get to be so calm and collected? She would be GREAT in social settings.

Who would have thought that my co-workers (who nothing about my parts or issues) would give one of them a name ... and such a fitting name! I want more of her around!

The oldest memory I have of this part is probably from around high school age (17ish). When I would visit my Dad in another state, I would sort of turn into someone else. These are the times I had a good deal of fun and people were attracted to me much more than other parts.