Abuse?

I've been dreading seeing my step father. Today the feeling is more intense since I have to see him tonight. I generally always dread seeing him but it's been much worse in the past couple months.

It seems like every time I've seen him in the past couple months, he's done something to hurt me or the family. Examples: hit my sister just walking by because she didn't read his mind and do his job, refuse to see any of us because his pride was hurt, insult my mom multiple times, belittle my brother, cuss us all out....

Why would I want to spend any time with him?

I just got the "warning" call from my mom. I get them often. They always have the same basic script. "You should come over a little later than originally planned because something happened to piss him off and now he's in an even worse mood than normal." This is my mother's speak for 'I'm trying to minimize the pain he will inflict on you and get you prepared to deal with the hell that's about to ensue.' I'm not sure if she consciously knows that's what she's saying but she delivers the message well.

I'm honestly glad to have the extra 30 minutes or so to prepare but who should ever have to PREPARE to see their step father. I appreciate the information but at the same time it's almost not worth it. It just builds the anxiety and I usually end the call with asking if mom is okay.... Codependent, much? You see these messages from my mom never include the option to just not come or the glimpse of hope that she's actually told him what an ass he is and won't put up with it anymore.

Is this abuse?

Castlewood Treatment Center

I'm drawn to Castlewood Treatment Center. I can't help it! I hate this desire but it seems like such a haven for us. My parts need help! They are a mess and so new at all this. I feel so chaotic most of the time.

I KNOW I would learn soooooooo much from time spent there but treatment is ubber expensive and then there are all the bills I would still have to pay while away. I have the urge to MAKE my eating disorder (ED) REALLY bad so that I would HAVE to go into treatment. I know that's probably telling me something else about my stress level or some other part needing to talk but I really just want to go. I actually have dreams of just jumping in my car and driving to Castlewood.

I'm not eating dinner!

What would that really do though? All my problems would be here when I get back. Not to mention bank foreclosure, collections and no job. I'm just about to pay off my other two treatment centers that did nothing for me. The only way I could convince myself to go is if I was dangerously ill. I'm not, though. Damn!

I'm hurting a lot today. I'm frozen. I need to do so many things but my options seem to be: act out on my ED, go to bed or blog...