“I had more friends when I hated myself!”
I proclaimed the statement above during an exasperated, confused, rejected moment of my last week. I’ve come a long way on my road to recovery from an eating disorder but now I’m fighting a new demon. My current burdens are related to relationships.

I have a theory (as I usually do) about my current struggles. When I was stuck in my eating disorder, that is all I knew, all I cared for, all I focused on. People were an afterthought. I struggled with relationships while in my eating disorder as well, but I let nothing stand in the way of ED and I. My relationship with ED was the only one I allotted any effort. I was the perfect Juliet, ready to kill myself in order to be with my Romeo (ED).

My eating disorder is now gone and I’m left to face real people. I never learned how to have true adult relationships. My eating disorder started at a young age (sometimes I think as early as two years old). By the time I was 18 it was in full swing; threatening to take my life. My relationship with ED was NOT a healthy, adult relationship. It was dripping with neglect, distain, malice, manipulation and fear.

Now, when faced with the ups, downs, conflict and compromise of real relationships I am at a loss! I’m 29 years old and don’t know how to navigate a safe, balanced friendship. Romantic relationships aren’t even “on the menu.” I learned from an early age to depend on one thing and one thing only! ED was ALL that mattered. ED gave me everything and took everything away. ED was my God. When I banished ED from my life I needed to find a way to fill the hole left behind.

At first, I filled it with activities. Staying busy helped for awhile but in the end left me burnt out and just as empty. I began filling the void with people. People are fun and caring. Relationships are an important part of life. It seemed to work until I found myself in a cycle of disappointment and abandonment, losing one friend after another. I was depending on them too much. I expected my friends to be my everything. The problem with making someone my savior is that people are intrinsically flawed. People will NEVER fill me up.

I am thrilled to be where I am today in recovery from my eating disorder. I have freedom from food, weight and obsessive exercise. I no longer look towards binging, purging or starving to make me feel worthy. I truly love myself. My struggles today are with feelings of loneliness. I believe complete recovery is a journey through many stages of growth. This must be my next phase. I accept the challenge. I look forward to the day I can reflect and say, “I used to struggle with having normal relationships but today I am secure and enjoy healthy relationships with friends, family and myself.” Until that day, I focus on staying present in the moment and learning more about my path to complete recovery.

Recovery Again

So I'm back in recovery. I'm NOT thrilled about it though. I'm still very much on the fence and there is a strong pull to restrict. I ate 2 desserts yesterday and literally hated myself for it! I went to bed wishing I would die because of what I ate. I didn't purge it because I know ED is still running the show. I'm trying to separate and disobey his commands.

I have been eating disorder symptom free for almost 3 days.

My greatest fear is still that I will be alone forever. I was reading TIME Magazine today. The entire magazine is about Mother Teresa. I am fascinated by this woman. It says that she was not "called to be a wife." Maybe she was happy about that but what about me? I know God doesn't call us all to marriage but I want it soooooooooooo badly. But I often don't know why I want it.

My therapist asked me if I could be in a relationship while still in a relationship with ED? I don't know. The books and professionals say that you can't but empirical data has proven otherwise. Many of my friends with ED have been in good supportive relationships. What do you think? Can someone have a healthy romantic relationship while engaging in an eating disorder? Why or why not?

Spaghetti Dinner

Somehow I found the motivation to exercise at home after missing my class at the gym due to traffic! After my exercising, I had to make dinner. I've had a plan to cook spaghetti with meat sauce for several days now and have just been too tired.

I made a great salad (which is saying a lot since I don't normally like salad) and my spaghetti dinner. I enjoyed making it, despite how tired I usually am at the end of the day. I haven't cooked this dinner in probably a year but it has such a family feel to it. I was pleased with my effort to cook a balanced meal and take care of myself. I sat down (on the couch with the TV on) to eat my salad and already shut off. I didn't taste it. I didn't smell it. I didn't even realize I was almost done with my salad (that I had actually been craving for about a week). I started to feel cheated! I felt like someone had stolen that salad from me. I turned off the TV and told myself that if I wanted to enjoy my meal I was going to have to enjoy myself as company. I knew this was fairly uncharted territory and had lead to trouble in the past but took the chance.

I ate the rest of the salad and tasted it well enough. There were only a couple bites left. I was still eating sort of fast though (which may be slow for other people). I got my spaghetti with meat sauce. I ended up getting about 2 helpings worth b/c I REALLY don't know how to gauge the right amount of pasta. I ended up only eating about half so it turned out okay.

While eating though, it was definitely a rocky path. I had to turn on music because the quiet was too much but all was good at first. It tasted good. It was exactly what I wanted. Then I started to hear the sound that pasta makes and it started to gross me out. I tried not to listen. I also realized that I was trying to "eat perfectly." (You know, like a good little girl with perfect manners, a pink bow, white lace socks and rosy cheeks would eat. The little girl my Granny raised. I call her the Doll and she's never done anything wrong.) I had been taking the perfect proportion of sauce to noodle in each bite. I had been taking a bite of bread every 2nd or 3rd bite but never more. I had been drinking my milk between every 2nd or 3rd bite as well. So I, rather spitefully and rebelliously, took a bite of only the meat sauce and then only the spaghetti and then a giant bite of the MIDDLE of the bread (no crust). I'd like to say then I smiled but I really felt a little silly and a little "in trouble."

I started to hear the sound I was making while eating, similar to the sound of the noodles. (Is it common for people with ED to be grossed out by the sounds of eating?) Then I started to hear all the "voices" in my head. The spaghetti meals past with family and old friends played in my head. I had to close my eyes at times to try and focus on things like smell, taste, texture and even knowing I was eating. Feeling things like chewing and swallowing. How can I be soooooo easily disconnected from these things? I never realized how VERY unaware and not present I am while eating until recently. I had a newspaper sitting on the couch beside me so I picked up the funny section and started to read while eating. I almost gave up and turned the TV on at one point but decided to test my "distress tolerance" level. The anxiety continued to build as I ate and tried to stay connected while focusing my mind on specific topics. I wanted to keep out the bad thoughts. I started to notice that I was making those big sighs... you know how people who are full sigh. I was much less connected at this point to myself but hanging on for dear life. I had to stop between bites a couple times to try and listen to my body. I figured I was at about a 7 on the hunger / satiety scale and remembered my nutritionist saying an 8 is a good ending point. I ate a couple more bites and waited to see "where I was." I decided a couple more bites and I would be done. I wanted the garlic bread I had made so I ate that and finished.

By the time I was done, the bad thoughts were too close for comfort. I sat for a moment in near panic as my mind scanned the time I had swallowed half a bottle of advil. My motivation to do it again was confusing. How could a GOOD meal cause these thoughts? Self harm was not an option so ED jumped in and yelled "COOKIES, WE NEED COOKIES!!!!!" Someone inside knew that was wrong too. I was having a huge war over trying to keep this meal for me versus giving it up to ED to destroy with binging or purging. I needed distraction. I had spent enough time connected. I called a friend. She wasn't there. I dared to call someone that I've just recently met. I needed to do the dishes and stay distracted. This friend was there. We chatted with small talk but I don't think she'll ever know how much she saved me tonight with simple conversations about TV shows and children and cleaning.

Sadness and Taste

I had a session with my therapist then my nutritionist today. I had about an hour between sessions so I went to get some coffee down the street. My therapist challenged me to drink it “mindfully.” I figured… no problem, I like my coffee.

While at Starbucks I got something to eat as well, one of those breakfast wraps they are selling now. I hadn’t had breakfast and always feel compelled to eat well on days I see “my people” – meaning therapist and nutritionist.

I was running short on time so I started to eat in the car on the way back to the office. The first couple bites were fairly good. Then I had this sad thought, sort of out of nowhere. I don’t remember the thought and it was gone almost as quickly as it occurred. I know it had something to do with missing people that are no longer in my life.

Once that thought occurred, I lost all taste. I could no longer taste the wrap. As I continued to eat it (because that’s what us eating disordered patients have to do in order to live) the taste was not only non-existent but the texture started to gross me out. As I ate more and more of it, the wrap became disgusting. I also was hyper-aware of the sound my throat made as I swallowed, to the point that I would cringe when I had to swallow. (I was only able to finish about 2/3 of it.)

What does all that mean? Is my ED that connected to sadness? It’s as if the sadness was taken away and replaced by an aversion to eating. Does this make sense with anyone else? Am I a freak!?

I was able to process it with my nutritionist, who said that it’s all kind of connected. She said that connecting to the eating process means having to connect to the sadness as well. By “checking out” of the emotion, I also shut off all my food enjoyment capabilities.

Thinking back, it’s as if The Monster had swooped in and gave me some sadness but ED pushed it aside.

My homework is to stay a bit more connected to everything without letting it take over. Is it possible to pick one thing rather than EVERYTHING! That seems like a lot of feeling for someone who generally stays cut off from the neck down… how do I keep all that emotion and observation from overtaking me?

Fun

I've been tasked with having fun this weekend. It sounds simple and easy enough. Who knew fun was so subjective!

I was in my therapist's office yesterday, who gave me the "assignment," and I had trouble with it even before I left the office. Is TV fun? Is taking down wallpaper fun? Is finshing paperwork that's been looming over me fun? Is seeing a ballet fun?



I don't even know what FUN is anymore? How can that be? Everything has been distorted. It's just like food. One cookie is okay: tastes good, provides some enjoyment, etc. Twenty cookies bring on emotional and physical pain. This would lead me to believe balance is key. Balance is NO EASY feat. I kept asking my therapist what could be considered fun? I used TV as the example. I often feel like TV is a waste but I spend so much time in front of it. TV provides a much needed break at times, as well as some entertainment but when I've been sitting there for hours I feel physical and emotional pain.

I ended up going to the ballet last night. I enjoyed it but for me it's like an alcoholic taking the first drink. One is never enough. I always want more. I miss dancing more than any other loss in my life. Watching ballet leads me to want to dance again and then I can never get enough. But it IS fun.

Today I slept VERY late, mostly because I was up surfing the web about dancing. I decided to watch "a little" TV before getting my day started. That was almost 6 hours ago and now I've given up. I have soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much I need to do. It's another wasted weekend. Mom wants me to come over for dinner but I don't feel like I deserve it. I feel fat, useless, unworthy, tired, gross.

The need to not feel like this drives me to constantly go, go, go. Then I get overly tired and back to this spot or I give up entirely because I can't seem to make any difference anyway.

I'm in a very sad place right now. I am having immense trouble with my parts, relationships, ED. I don't want to promote this pain to anyone reading. The goal of this blog and in my life is recovery, health, balance. I'm struggling with all that myself right now though.

Castlewood Treatment Center

I'm drawn to Castlewood Treatment Center. I can't help it! I hate this desire but it seems like such a haven for us. My parts need help! They are a mess and so new at all this. I feel so chaotic most of the time.

I KNOW I would learn soooooooo much from time spent there but treatment is ubber expensive and then there are all the bills I would still have to pay while away. I have the urge to MAKE my eating disorder (ED) REALLY bad so that I would HAVE to go into treatment. I know that's probably telling me something else about my stress level or some other part needing to talk but I really just want to go. I actually have dreams of just jumping in my car and driving to Castlewood.

I'm not eating dinner!

What would that really do though? All my problems would be here when I get back. Not to mention bank foreclosure, collections and no job. I'm just about to pay off my other two treatment centers that did nothing for me. The only way I could convince myself to go is if I was dangerously ill. I'm not, though. Damn!

I'm hurting a lot today. I'm frozen. I need to do so many things but my options seem to be: act out on my ED, go to bed or blog...