Black Swan

I just saw the movie Black Swan. My mind is racing. I have to wonder if I'm slightly similar to the Nina in the movie. Are my parts slowly driving me mad?

Swan Lake has always been my favorite ballet. The music, the movement, the story ... it's beautiful. But it's pretty twisted when we really analyze it.....

Basic plot:

Young, innocent, beautiful girl is put under a spell by an evil wizard so that he can control her. She's only allowed to take human form at night, while by day she's a swan. She falls in love with a prince who "mistakenly" pledges his love to the evil wizard's daughter. The girl then commits suicide to avoid the tragedy of his "mistake."

In the movie I just saw with Natalie Portman, she gets the staring role in the ballet and basically goes crazy. She cannot handle the duality of the role as she has to tap into her "dark side." I am always wondering what I will discover as I get to know more of my parts, especially the scary ones. Will they overtake me? Am I really me? What do they know that I don't?

I've been working a lot with my little parts lately and it's very painful. The deep hurt they feel is hard to bare. Something came up recently about my old therapist. I was so attached to her, the Little Ones were so attached. I can hardly stand to hear her name. I don't know how to get her out of my head and now she's infiltrated my dreams. When will it stop?!?!

Fairy Tales?

What are fairy tales today? I've been trying to come up with a grown up / mental health fairy tale for months. I can lay the ground work for the beginning... abuse, neglect, abandon, betrayal, control but how does it end? There's no good ending. Any way I spin it the story doesn't work. It either ends realistically, which means loss and struggle or ends in a fairy tale format which only furthers the disappointment that fantasies never happen.

I wanted to come up with a story to give hope but be realistic. I can't do that. I wanted to come up with a story with a lesson of "Bad things happen but it's okay, they can turn out right." I wanted to write an adult fairy tale that explains mental illness to adults and children with the message that it will be okay.

As I sit in my lonely, gloomy condo, crying on Christmas Eve, I realized there is no good ending. I'm contemplating the next 48 hours I will be spending with my family and dreading it. Why do I hate them so much? I love them...

I just ate my breakfast and want to throw it up. I haven't purged in 7 weeks but it's getting harder and harder. Especially, when I add the fact that I am in some manner nauseous or having acid reflux all the time.

I have so much to do. I have to wrap all these Christmas presents and clean my house and about 100 other things but all I want to do is curl up and disappear.

My whole system is hurting. I worked with my therapist to try to prepare but it's not working. My parts are all enmeshed and in panic. This is the worst I have felt near Christmas, ever. What's so different this time? Why so much pain this time?