What are fairy tales today? I've been trying to come up with a grown up / mental health fairy tale for months. I can lay the ground work for the beginning... abuse, neglect, abandon, betrayal, control but how does it end? There's no good ending. Any way I spin it the story doesn't work. It either ends realistically, which means loss and struggle or ends in a fairy tale format which only furthers the disappointment that fantasies never happen.
I wanted to come up with a story to give hope but be realistic. I can't do that. I wanted to come up with a story with a lesson of "Bad things happen but it's okay, they can turn out right." I wanted to write an adult fairy tale that explains mental illness to adults and children with the message that it will be okay.
As I sit in my lonely, gloomy condo, crying on Christmas Eve, I realized there is no good ending. I'm contemplating the next 48 hours I will be spending with my family and dreading it. Why do I hate them so much? I love them...
I just ate my breakfast and want to throw it up. I haven't purged in 7 weeks but it's getting harder and harder. Especially, when I add the fact that I am in some manner nauseous or having acid reflux all the time.
I have so much to do. I have to wrap all these Christmas presents and clean my house and about 100 other things but all I want to do is curl up and disappear.
My whole system is hurting. I worked with my therapist to try to prepare but it's not working. My parts are all enmeshed and in panic. This is the worst I have felt near Christmas, ever. What's so different this time? Why so much pain this time?
This blog is to help navigate pieces of myself. I've struggled for 10 yrs in therapy for numerous "disorders." I've found an intuitive approach to myself in a technique called the Internal Family System Model. Under no circumstances do I claim to be a therapist or provide internet therapy. This blog is for me and my "parts" to speak, express and gather feedback / validation. I no longer want to burden other people but need a place to release. I hope you find help or comfort in my experiences.
Friday, December 24, 2010
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