Life Sucks

Eating disorders suck and so does my life! I want to be skinny and pretty and happy and sucessful but I am NONE OF THOSE THINGS! I'm alone, fat and a failure. My own therapist lies to me! Why would she do that? The only legitimate reason I can think of, is because I'm a pain in the ass. I'm not important to anyone. I'm difficult. I'm a leech. I'm someone people "put up with." How did I get to be such an ass hole? Why can't I change? I'm always in some kind of pain or dealing with some kind of trauma. I really don't deserve to live, nor do I want to anymore. I can't even have a successful eating disorder. I went about a week and a half restricting about 50% of my food and I didn't lose any weight. I couldn't do it anymore. I've eaten soooooooo much food today! I truly hate myself. I'm a fighter and a survivor but I just don't care anymore. The people that are closest to me have betrayed me. I don't like anything in my life.

Games

I just wish I could take all my past, all my hurts, all my memories and scrape them out of my brain.  I want to be simple instead of complicated.  I want easy, denial, fun, carefree.  I’m not those things.  I seem to be so tired lately from everything.  I’m heavy and burdened and sad.  I’m confused and guilty so often. I sense there are a lot of parts activated.  I really WANT to do part work with my therapist Wednesday but I'm not sure if I'm stable enough. I want to address how I relate to other people because I feel like I might be hurting myself and others (mentally). I don't seem to be able to "play nice" lately (internally and externally).  I seem to find myself stuck in games that I didn't know I started with rules that I can't figure out and I really feel crazy.... Is that blending? I have done this for almost as long as I can remember. I play games with people but they aren't the fun kind. There is this intricate level system of tests but there is never any way to win. I never win and the other person never does either. I never understand the rules but I think it all centers around one question: Can I REALLY trust them?

Enough

I'm truly drowning!  I can't pack anything else into my schedule and now a friend I haven't seen in years wants to stop by for the night.  I want to see her but I can't help wonder "why now!"  I've invited her multiple times before and now that she has a work trip here, she suddenly needs a place to crash!  NO!  But I said "maybe... if it's an emergency."  The problem is, I would like to see her.  I know this has "healthy boundaries exercise" written all over it.  I'm just so tired of saying no to things I WANT to do because I HAVE to say yes to things I DON'T want to do.  I just don't want to grow up! I do not feel in control of my life right now.  I don't enjoy things anymore.  Work, Family, Friends, Home, Cats, Me, Exercise, Food, Church, Vacation, Interviews ... it all seems like work!  Nothing is exciting.  I'm struggling with depression, for real.  I know it, I feel it and I just don't want to deal with it! It's too late right now and I still have a chapter to read for church with questions, clothes to pack for tomorrow and a testimony to write.... ha ha!  I'm going to bed! Screw it!  Oh, and I have to be at work early.  Something's gotta give or soon it's gunna be me! Enough!

Flirting and Parts

I had so much happen this week.  I went through a whole progression that I didn't quite know I had in me and am still trying to figure. Something happened with a man on a work trip was inappropriate.  He said something that insinuated a risqué sexual interaction between the two of us. I've suffered some trauma in this field so I freaked out.  I was torn by my parts, who all got activated immediately.   I had parts feeling ALL different kinds of things! Someone I trust mentioned that feelings of attraction are normal and natural. I wondered if all my parts were able to hear that statement.  I'm pretty sure they got the point.  At first I reacted mostly in fear, disgust and embarrassment.   I am still pretty confused.  I don't want to be with this man but I think there are parts of me that don't know that, don't care or don't know the difference.   I somehow went from feeling only bad things to something else.  I don't know what happened.  I suspect that I felt in control and my defenses were decreased.  I'm not entirely sure how that happened though.  Maybe it was the conversation with my parts.  I hope it was.  That would mean they are starting to trust me. Thursday, I was slightly mischievous.  I was "playful."  (I'm wondering if I was inappropriate... I hope I was professional.  I fear that everyone saw me and judged me.) I had fun.  The two of us sort of joked around.  He kind of made fun of me for a couple things.... I put my tennis shoes on and forgot my badge so he poked fun at me.  He was making fun of a couple guys in the plant with us too, but only so I could hear.  It was "our secret" sort of thing.  It was kind of like flirtation, I think but I don't understand....I knew there was nothing that would come of it but also felt myself wanting and liking the attention.  At times I still felt panicked, disgusted, embarrassed and guilty.   He decided he wouldn't go to dinner with us, which was an activity I was afraid of because there would be drinking and lowering of walls, so I felt safer.  But then I caught myself wanting him there.  I felt crazy!  I knew I would look good and knew he would comment on my appearance.  I wanted that.  I wanted him there to banter.   At dinner that night, one of the guys started talking about a woman he knows who wears 4 inch heals.  (FYI - I was the only woman... I was ALWAYS the only woman, even when the group was up to 20 people.) He said something to the affect of "Why would women wear heals like that?"  I said "Depends on if she's single."  It kind of just popped out of my mouth and that opened up an entire conversation about my dating life.  (I don't think of myself as witty or funny but I have been getting better at that and every now and then find people laughing at what I say.) The conversation was interesting.  It was fun (for a bit) to be the center of attention of all these men.  The only semi-inappropriate thing that was said.... I SAID!  I wished the other guy was there.  I thought it would have made it more lively.  I don't know what it is about him.  At the same moment I was glad he wasn't there too.  It might have gone a little too far.  In general I stayed in control of the situation.  I painted the picture I wanted for the group and then when the questions got too personal, I stopped it (it took two tries but I did).  I can't believe I was able to do that and not be traumatized!  It was great! Friday, the guy was back at work.  I walked into work Friday feeling different.  I felt confident, interesting and normal... maybe even cocky.   I caught myself behaving differently.  I don't think I ever thought he was terribly unattractive but I noticed (or changed my thoughts) that he is more attractive than not.  He's still too old and doesn't fit me well but I wanted to attract him.  I was taking my glasses off because I think I'm prettier without them. I was more aware of how I looked, careful not to slouch or put my hair up.  I had an urge to lean against him, as in sort of put my head on his chest. (which would have been TOTALLY inappropriate so I didn't but I was closer to him)  I wanted..... some kind of contact.  I wanted acceptance.  I think we were flirting. REALLY!  I could barely believe myself but it was FUN!  LOTS OF FUN! He would kind of push me over while were were walking down the hall. I would hit him back.  He would tease me.  I would give it back to him.  At one point, he asked me why I hadn't brought him coffee.  I playfully said, "I'm busy." The way my mom does with my step dad sometimes.  He said, "Well, get to it; two creams and two sugars; and look good doing it."  I said, "You got half that." I smiled.  He laughed and we continued on to the meeting.  Later, he got himself some coffee and I asked him where mine was.  He offered to get me some.  I said I was just joking but the point is he was paying attention.  I liked it. I'm still confused though and feel a lot of other things too... more negative things.  I am worried I behaved inappropriately.  Will I be seen as "girly" instead of professional?   Later in the day, I'm pretty sure I heard him talking to his girlfriend, fiancé or wife... although there was no ring.  It was even more confusing then. And a bit freed, knowing he had no intention with me. I don't think I was necessary attracted to him but something is waking up even more with the experience of flirting.  It's frightening though.  I caught myself fantasizing. Not just with him... maybe not at all with him but probably some. I don't know if it's him as much as me though.  It was like I remembered (without completely freaking out) how good flirting, relationships, men, and sensuality can feel.  It's exciting!  I want more of that.  I want to try.  I want to experience kissing, touching, hand holding.  There are parts of me that are REALLY sad that I don't have that.  Sometimes in a snuggly manner and sometimes in a sexual manner.   I'm a little freaked out but more just curious and excited but there ARE parts of me definitely freaked out.  Is there something wrong with the fact that this man is older, nothing like me and in general NOT FOR ME and yet, I feel like this.  Am I gross or sick?  Parts of me feel I am.  I'm conflicted. I'm working through a lot to parts, feelings, thoughts.  I feel like I need some help here.....  I'm going to attempt to dialogue more but I feel pretty blended at times... or maybe more like a tennis match, which I see as kind of the extreme version of blending. After all of that though, I had other thoughts.  I feel like his attention was pity or boredom or trying to be nice.  I feel like this kind of man (one who is completely wrong for me) is the only person who will pay attention.  I'm not pretty, good or interesting.  I must be skinny to get this kind of reaction from a "better" man. hhhhmmmm, I think my brain is done switching ... I'm exhausted!

Part Led Travel

I'm currently on a business trip that is NOT going well.  I wouldn't say "everything has gone wrong" but I WOULD say something has gone wrong in every part of my life. Travel in general leads to temptation with my eating disorder.  Travel for work is even worse.  I, almost immediately, felt the all to familiar pull to binging and purging as I sat alone in my hotel room. I unconsciously returned to food rules that I never even knew I had.  I started with obsessively drinking water. Then forced myself to go to the gym every day.  I then began compensating for snacks.  (You see, on these trips, the host company feeds us constantly!  Every time I would snack, no matter if I was hungry or not, I would force myself to remove something from my next meal.... I have "made it all up" and then some by the end of the day, though.) And I must must MUST eat less than the men I'm traveling with.  None of these thoughts are remotely consistent with all the work I have done to eat intuitively.  I feel like I've regressed.  I should know better!  I have parts that are telling me I'm doing very poorly at recovery! I did not REALLY WANT to go to the gym tonight.  I wanted to chill out in my hotel room, do some writing and get a good night sleep.  I couldn't give myself permission to do that.  I tried and all kinds of my parts "puffed up."  Some were scared. Some were mad.  Some were relieved (fewer).  Some were confused.  Some were sad.  Some were hurt.  So I went to the gym and am up WAY too late again (not to metion, I have to be up in less than 6 hours to get tomorrow's gym time in). I feel completely led by these parts right now.  I feel like the victim on a runaway train.  I am ENTIRELY unable to do what I want to do.  I feel the trap of the eating disorder closing in around me.  All I can do right now is pray that it does not go past normal eating / exercising (as of now the issue is in my head but not showing up on my plate to any degree of alarm) and that it will go away once I get back into my safe environment.

Sex and Attraction

I've been running from anything to do with sex for years. I was raped twice in college and never had a healthy outlook on sex growing up in the first place. Most of the time I waver between a general unawareness of anything sexual and lack of desire to absolute disgust and terror about anything remotely sexual in nature. I am sad and disappointed that I do not get the priviledge of any kind of sexual contact. I haven't been on a date in about 8 to 10 years. I mourn this loss. I'm in the most exciting part of my life. All my friends are dating, getting married and having babies. I want those things but I cannot get there. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't even get asked out and rarely get any attention from men. My parts have a multitude of thoughts and fears about this topic. Some are terrified of attention from men. Others are curious. Others condemn the system for not being more social and dating. Others long for human contact and any acceptance from a man. Why don't men even like me? I've recently found myself attracted to men again. It was an amazing discovery! It was one of the best moments I've ever experienced in a therapy setting. I thought that "part" of me was dead; never to resurface again. I figured I would go through life with NO labido and NO interest in men. I had been hiding from myself the fact that I AM attracted to a man. It is scary but okay. He's not going to hurt me. I bairly even talk to him anyway so nothing is going to happen. He's not my type and would not be a good fit for me. None the less, I found myself actually attracted to him. I can't even tell you what this means because I am very blocked off from these feelings. To me it feels more like a general curiousity about him, awareness when he's around and slight nervousness. That's really it, but it's more than I've had in a LONG TIME. Even more recently, there is a SECOND man who has perked my interests. I have no idea what to do about this man. He seems to be a better fit for me so it's even more frightening! Again, I bairly talk to him and have NO CLUE how to move things along. I'm confused. My parts are very triggered. This is uncharted terretory. I'm reminded of the common phrase that used to be placed on maps when the world was still undiscovered and believed to be flat. At the edge of the map the phase "Here There Be Monsters" would basically indicate the unknown... that's dating and men and relationships for me! I found myself sitting next to him today. I was attempting to flirt with him but feeling very awkward and embaressed. One of my parts told me, "Why bother?! He's not going to like you anyway. He's so out of your league! You are fat and weird." I believe her. :( HELP!

Overwhelmed

I find myself endlessly tired and constantly overwhelmed. I don't know how it's possible but I don't ever seem to get a break. I don't understand. I'm learning to say no to invitations and I'm growing better boundaries. It seems like no matter how hard I try to get calm, clear moments, they just slip away into the chaos. Anyone else feel like this? I feel like the only way to live without crazy stuff going on, is to be completely reclusive. Here's an example so you can have something tangible: I run a group for women with eating disorders. I stopped some of the other groups and such. I've just been focusing on being a good leader for this group. In the past two weeks, I've had to deal with some tough situations there. One member of the group's health care provider asked the member to sign a consent agreement so the provider could talk to me..... Let that sink in..... I'm no more than a volunteer who runs a 12 step group. What do I say to a health care provider? I know this provider so I'm not so much worried about this particular incident but what if it was a provider I don't know? Another group member is dong so poorly, she may not make it. I don't like holding on to such a terrible reality. Yet I definatly feel led to help people recovery from eating disorders. This is only one example but there are at least 10 more that have happened over the past two weeks like this. What does it mean? Why can't I get a break? Am I doing this to myself? I'm personally, dangerously close to a relapse and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone or do anything. My stress is OFF THE CHARTS. This long weekend may have helped a little but I'm getting very depressed and not sure how much I can hang on. I've reached 18 months without using my eating disorder. I am feeling the pull to be skinnier again and I don't really want to go back.