I've been toying with the idea of "taking time off from therapy." It sort of popped into my head and now I can't get rid of it. I can't tell if it's a healthy thought or not. I often run from situations when I'm just about to make or have just made some good progress. My therapist can't help me make this decision either.
It all boils down to money. I want to have some money to get stuff done in my house so I can stop feeling like such a failure. I can't do both. My therapist and nutritionist cost almost $500 a month.
It's such a different thought than I was having a week ago. A week ago, I was thinking about spending MORE time and money on recovery. This is why I feel so segmented. It's so much unlike where I was only a few days ago. It's like I switched my thinking entirely.
What do you think I should do?
Subscribe To People.Personalities.Parts
Posts
All Comments
Showing posts with label Therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Therapy. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Shutdown
I often find myself completely shut down. I can't do much more than sit and stare. Today, I hit the shut down. My therapist and I also call this a "freeze." It used to only happen when I was in some sort of traumatic situation but now it happens at least once a week, generally more. Time is sort of distorted during these shutdowns.
I guess it's my way of taking a break when things get overwhelming. I really wish I could just get up and clean my house! That's when I wish Victoria would take over. She's the one that gets things done. She's a good one to be in public. It's safe when she's the one operating. It's not always good though. She can tend to offend people I think, because of her lack of empathy and compassion or simple regard for other people. She's what you would call a severe type A personality.
I've pretty much come to grips with the fact that I'm not getting anything done today. :( I'm still not happy about it though. My head is killing me and I know I need to eat but don't want to get up.
I guess it's my way of taking a break when things get overwhelming. I really wish I could just get up and clean my house! That's when I wish Victoria would take over. She's the one that gets things done. She's a good one to be in public. It's safe when she's the one operating. It's not always good though. She can tend to offend people I think, because of her lack of empathy and compassion or simple regard for other people. She's what you would call a severe type A personality.
I've pretty much come to grips with the fact that I'm not getting anything done today. :( I'm still not happy about it though. My head is killing me and I know I need to eat but don't want to get up.
People.Personalities.Parts
Hello Readers:
FIRST A LITTLE ABOUT ME
I'm an Engineer in my late 20's. Since April of 2001 I have had an active eating disorder. It's laid dormant for short periods of time but never gone away. I'm currently in a better place but have slips every now and then. My eating disorder (often referred to as ED) is not the only mental issue I deal with, nor has it been the hardest to overcome. I've been treated for a myriad of disorders, including but not limited to: Adjustment Disorder, PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Disorder, Bi-Polar 2 Disorder. I've been Baker Acted, admitted into an Inpatient Treatment Center, enrolled in an Intensive Outpatient Treatment Program, undergone countless hours of therapy and seen Nutritionists.
The biggest thing you should know about me is that I WILL NOT GIVE UP on having a good life. I AM A SURVIVOR. I've fought to live too many times to believe that I don't have a purpose to fulfill here on earth. While many of my friends and treatment acquaintances have left the Recovery path, I continue on. It's not fun but it's the only worthy option for me. Do I struggle, slip and even fall? OF COURSE!
The second thing you should know about me is that I am a Christian (at least most of me is --- more on that later). I believe what the Bible says. I want and need my relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. The triune God is who continues to save me and protect me as a whole. I have plenty of struggles with faith as well, though.
PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG
I have found myself needing to "unload" often. As I am now entering into a great period of self discovery, I need to share it with someone. I don't want to burden my friends, family and other support groups all the time. I hope you will give me feedback and comment on my blogs. Me and my parts need to know we are not alone.
I've also seen much benefit in listening to other people's stories. I hope my blog can give you hope, comfort and validation.
MY RULES
I will not disclose my name or specific details about myself. I will not have pictures of myself on this blog. (I will also not use real names of people or have pictures of other people, as to protect identities as much as possible.) The names and specifics are not important. The feelings and issues are important. I need this to remain anonymous. I'm sure some people out there will want to find me and I haven't gone to huge lengths to keep that from happening but I ask for anonymity. With anonymity I can be honest which will make this blog much more powerful and useful.
I will not post anything I do not believe to be true. With that said, I do not claim to be an expert on everything, so I may believe something that is untrue myself. I will not lie to you though. I HATE it when people lie to me. I often find myself needing an uplifting story but cannot believe what someone is telling me. You can believe what I write. I would rather tell the truth then tell you something that sounds good.
WHAT IS THE INTERNAL FAMILY SYSTEM (IFS) MODEL
I cannot describe it in clinical terms but here is my best understanding. IFS is a therapeutic tool for learning about how one's self behaves, reacts and relates to her world. It can sound a bit crazy and I have many times wondered if I'm crazy. However, I've seen so much progress come out of it. If you want to find out more about it, the best website I know is actually a treatment center website. It's the website for Castlewood Treatment Center: http://castlewoodtc.com. Mark and Richard Schwartz have made huge strides in IFS. They may have started it. I know very little about IFS technically but intuitively I know it's powerful.
It basically says that we all have multiplicity, different parts of our self. Think about it.... are you different at work than with friends or with friends than with family or at church, the grocery or a night club? This is NOT Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) (also known as Multiple Personality Disorder) but I feel like it's related, almost a lesser version. I have lots of parts and I'm just now beginning to understand what they do for me. The first part that "came out" with a name and spoke to someone else was Victoria, hence my name in this blog. I don't know how many more there will be or if any more of them will "speak" to someone without me. One of the main differences I see with IFS versus DID, is the amnesia. I fully remember what Victoria said and how she acts. I believe people with DID have no or very little recollection of what their other parts do, at least at first. It sounds a bit science fiction at times but I've decided to accept it as me and work with what I can learn from these parts.
Please join me in this journey.
Let's Go,
Victoria 1st
FIRST A LITTLE ABOUT ME
I'm an Engineer in my late 20's. Since April of 2001 I have had an active eating disorder. It's laid dormant for short periods of time but never gone away. I'm currently in a better place but have slips every now and then. My eating disorder (often referred to as ED) is not the only mental issue I deal with, nor has it been the hardest to overcome. I've been treated for a myriad of disorders, including but not limited to: Adjustment Disorder, PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Disorder, Bi-Polar 2 Disorder. I've been Baker Acted, admitted into an Inpatient Treatment Center, enrolled in an Intensive Outpatient Treatment Program, undergone countless hours of therapy and seen Nutritionists.
The biggest thing you should know about me is that I WILL NOT GIVE UP on having a good life. I AM A SURVIVOR. I've fought to live too many times to believe that I don't have a purpose to fulfill here on earth. While many of my friends and treatment acquaintances have left the Recovery path, I continue on. It's not fun but it's the only worthy option for me. Do I struggle, slip and even fall? OF COURSE!
The second thing you should know about me is that I am a Christian (at least most of me is --- more on that later). I believe what the Bible says. I want and need my relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. The triune God is who continues to save me and protect me as a whole. I have plenty of struggles with faith as well, though.
PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG
I have found myself needing to "unload" often. As I am now entering into a great period of self discovery, I need to share it with someone. I don't want to burden my friends, family and other support groups all the time. I hope you will give me feedback and comment on my blogs. Me and my parts need to know we are not alone.
I've also seen much benefit in listening to other people's stories. I hope my blog can give you hope, comfort and validation.
MY RULES
I will not disclose my name or specific details about myself. I will not have pictures of myself on this blog. (I will also not use real names of people or have pictures of other people, as to protect identities as much as possible.) The names and specifics are not important. The feelings and issues are important. I need this to remain anonymous. I'm sure some people out there will want to find me and I haven't gone to huge lengths to keep that from happening but I ask for anonymity. With anonymity I can be honest which will make this blog much more powerful and useful.
I will not post anything I do not believe to be true. With that said, I do not claim to be an expert on everything, so I may believe something that is untrue myself. I will not lie to you though. I HATE it when people lie to me. I often find myself needing an uplifting story but cannot believe what someone is telling me. You can believe what I write. I would rather tell the truth then tell you something that sounds good.
WHAT IS THE INTERNAL FAMILY SYSTEM (IFS) MODEL
I cannot describe it in clinical terms but here is my best understanding. IFS is a therapeutic tool for learning about how one's self behaves, reacts and relates to her world. It can sound a bit crazy and I have many times wondered if I'm crazy. However, I've seen so much progress come out of it. If you want to find out more about it, the best website I know is actually a treatment center website. It's the website for Castlewood Treatment Center: http://castlewoodtc.com. Mark and Richard Schwartz have made huge strides in IFS. They may have started it. I know very little about IFS technically but intuitively I know it's powerful.
It basically says that we all have multiplicity, different parts of our self. Think about it.... are you different at work than with friends or with friends than with family or at church, the grocery or a night club? This is NOT Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) (also known as Multiple Personality Disorder) but I feel like it's related, almost a lesser version. I have lots of parts and I'm just now beginning to understand what they do for me. The first part that "came out" with a name and spoke to someone else was Victoria, hence my name in this blog. I don't know how many more there will be or if any more of them will "speak" to someone without me. One of the main differences I see with IFS versus DID, is the amnesia. I fully remember what Victoria said and how she acts. I believe people with DID have no or very little recollection of what their other parts do, at least at first. It sounds a bit science fiction at times but I've decided to accept it as me and work with what I can learn from these parts.
Please join me in this journey.
Let's Go,
Victoria 1st
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)