Yoga Class?

I’ve had an interesting dialogue of emotions over something that should be fairly simple and benign over the past months. I’m not necessarily worried about it so maybe that means I am operating in Self… or it’s just not an extreme response. I find it amusing. Each time I read the yoga schedule published by a local recovery center, I have a similar thought process… in parts it goes something like this: Pseudo-self: Oh, look, they are having yoga classes! The Dreamer: Oooooo, cool, can we go? That would be so much fun! All that time of loving our body and taking the chance to feel into how great our life is and will be! Pleeeeeaaaaaassssseeeee! It’s going to be awesome! Yay! Victoria: Let’s see what fits into our schedule. With all the running we are doing we need to be doing yoga. It will be good for injury prevention so we can continue to run. It’s good for developing other muscles and working our arms. Our arms need work. We need to make this fit into our schedule. (Then I look at the schedule and pretty much realize there is only one time that works well for me. I do this at least once a week! It’s as if I believe if I look at the schedule enough times it will change or I will magically see one that works when it didn’t before. The only feasible time is generally a Plus Sized Yoga Class. Thus starts the really interesting dialogue….) People Pleaser: PLUS SIZE!!!! We can’t do that! Logic: But I AM plus sized. Size 14 is technically a plus size and we are a 14 or 16. Amy: Oh my God! I’m still so huge! I’ve been running my ass off for months but it’s not GOING anywhere! I’m such a failure! I have to stop eating so much! I’m so ashamed. This is why we don’t have a boyfriend! People Pleaser: No, I might be plus sized but people don’t see me that way. Remember the woman at Macy’s. She tried to get us to leave the women’s department because she didn’t believe I was a size 14 / 16. Amy: Why is that? WE TOTALLY LOOK BIGGER! Restrict! Restrict! Restrict! Rapunzel: Should we gain some weight? I really liked what The Dreamer said. I want to go too. Angel Baby: But I want to be loved. Amy says that gaining weight is bad because then people don’t want to be around me. People Pleaser: Everyone, you don’t understand! If we go to the class we will be seen the way that Macy’s lady saw us. We will be a TRIGGER and INSULT to the REST of the class, similar to when we are around a bunch of obviously anorexic / underweight people who think they are fat. Don’t you remember, our therapist told us this could happen once, too. They will resent us then internalize their anger and start to feel guilty or ashamed themselves. I would HATE it if we hurt someone else. We CANNOT go! Rapunzel: Oh, I wouldn’t want to do that either! I didn’t know. We want everyone to have a good class and be happy and healthy. The Dreamer: But I still want to go… Victoria: This wouldn’t be good yoga anyway! It will be like the yoga I did in treatment which didn’t have any actual physical improvement or benefit. We will find a more challenging class. Self: We will go if we want to and the time works. It’s like a sit-com in here sometimes! I am actually getting “triggered” by the THOUGHT of a therapy yoga class. However, I want to say… I truly LOVE The Dreamer!!!!